Children's book illustrated!!!

Many friends and family may not know this, but a few years ago I worte a children's book. It has been sitting in a closet waiting for me to have the courage to do something about finding an agent, get an illustrator... get my act together.

As part of my "Observational Drawing" class, we have a final project due... 8-10 'storyboard' sketches and a final pencil rendering... which takes hours. Let's just say, I already had the idea floating around, and this week I have finally done illustrations to put with it!! It is amazing, if I do say so myself, to see how much progress I have made this quarter, alone, in my drawing ability. I am really happy. When I get the opportunity, and the scanner is working properly, I will share a couple of my drawings. Of course, I won't give away the story... you'll have to wait until it gets published to read the whole thing!!! (I did draw a VERY realistic killer whale, if that helps at all?!)

Unashamed of the truth

Again, I have had another week full of reflection. So many people have been asking me what's wrong. I have really been struggling, and I guess it's time to admit it. I know I have told a few close friends, but I want to open my heart to everyone.

It's the holiday season. I know the spiritual focus is on Christ and family... but the commercial focus is on children and presents and family.

Since our adoption fell through in September, my heart has been aching. I have been enjoying school and new friends... but nothing can replace the void I am feeling in my life. After twelve and a half years of being married, we were going to finally have a baby. I know time heals all things, it's just very difficult for me right now... especially seing all the young families.

To add to that, I want to be a little more open about Thanksgiving. I asked the question "What's missing from the stuffing?" and the reply was my sibling's bi-polar tyrade. (That's an actual diagnosis, not my opinion. You can ask that sibling if you know them, but I almost guarantee they will not tell you the truth about it.) My dad blamed me for the situation in the heat of the moment, and was angry that I would ask a question like that- to "poke" at that sibling. Truthfully, it was an honest question. There was something different than usual, and I was honestly wondering what it was.

Because of the reaction of said sibiling, my nephew reacted in a way that shows he has seen a lof of emotional distress. (I have been a foster parent of negledted/abused children, have taken many classes about how to recognize and help traumatized children.) My sibling and their spouse have had many fights, and their spouse in now on probation for domestic violence in front of a child with the
State of Utah. No child deserves to live is a situation where there is constant bickering and fighting.

In Utah, if you are aware of child abuse or neglect, and do not report it, you are breaking the law. (I am married to a police officer, I know these things. It's a misdemeanor, but still, it's the law.) For the second time, I called DCFS on my sibling. (I know they think I have called more than that, but I have not.) Every time the police have been called on them for domestic violence reports, I am pretty sure they have also called DCFS (That is the law, and the police can't igonre it). I pray someday someone will stand up and protect that little boy. He deserves a better life than the one he is living right now. Any child does.

So here I am. Finals time at school, Christmas, an empty home, a sibling who is emotionally affecting their child in a very negative way, (and pulling the family apart by their behavior on Thanksgiving). I am on sebatical from my family right now. I have told my parents I refuse to allow that sibling to abuse me any longer (since I am usually the target of their bi-polar hate and anger tyrades), and have stood up and walked away. I have also told them I do not approve of their enabling that sibling to treat the family the way they do. I no longer accept "that's just the way things are". Having a mental illness does not mean someone is not accountable for their behavior.

I know we must have opposition in all things- can we truly be happy if we never understand the sad? But I feel, sometimes, as if the whole world is crashing down on me. I guess today is one of those days. I am going to finish my school paper, go to sacrament meeting, then the National Guard with Zane- to help in the Family Readiness Group (FRG) this afternoon. Hopefully my heart will find some of the peace it is seeking!

Reflections

For the past 2 weeks, I have done a lot of reflecting on my life. My homework assignments have been to do things such as self-portraits (photography) and also an autobiography. It's interesting when you are asked to get up in front of classmates (mostly considered strangers) and share things about yourself. What do you say, how much do you tell people, what do you want to share, and what do you not want to share. But then again... if you don't share certain things, are you being honest about who you are? In all this reflecting, I have come to understand many things.

One important thing I have really taken to heart (thanks to a dear friend who let me cry on their shoulder last night) is that we truly do teach people how to treat us.

People who know me well will tell you I am a very loving, giving person. As a matter of fact, I will give until my "giving account" in my heart is empty. I also have always done my best to keep the peace among the company I am keeping. It has cost me a lot personally and emotionally, especially in my family. I want to share.

At the Tanksgiving table, I asked an innocent question. It was not meant as an insult or a jab at anyone- just a simple question. A member of my family took it as a personal insult, and World War III broke out over it. This family member (full grown adult) threw a temper tantrum that lasted for the next hour. I understand that I cannot control how someone will react to what I say. However, another family member told me I was in "denial" that I had done anything wrong. Zane and I have talked about it... and how can asking a question be wrong? Do I have to guard everything I say around my family? How is it MY fault how someone reacts to what I say... isn't every person accountable for their own emotions and reactions?

As I sat at the table alone- my parents taking care of the tantruming family member, and my husband in the other room for a moment, I realized that for my entire life, I have allowed my parents to blame me for how this other family member acts or reacts to something. If we teach others how to treat us, this is a very true statement. I will no longer take responsibility, nor will I allow my parents to try to place that responsibility on my shoulders. I have had enough of the blame game. I also hope and pray there comes a day when my parents can see and understand what they have done for so long. Each person is accountable for themselves. If I stood before God today and had to report to Him about what happened at that table, I would be able to honestly say "I have no idea. I asked an innocent question and someone else was offended by it, choosing to cause anger and hatred among family members, for which I was blamed."

I know there will be fall-out from what I am writing on my blog (for which I am not responsible). I also know I am writing from my heart, and I am writing truth. I will live in truth- I will no longer feel guilty or take the blame for someone else's emotional instability. I am who I am. I am a daughter of God and He loves me. He has given me a heart, a mind of my own and a life to live in the manner I see proper. I choose to live life in truth. I know God knows my heart. He understands and knows me better than any person on this earth. I am grateful to understand who I am, to know the strength I have and the opportunity to stand as a solid witness of God in my life. I am greateful to friends who love me and know my heart well. I count you as great blessings in my life- gifts sent from my Father in Heaven.

This week I am starting a new adventure. I am sure I will write about it soon- just not today. I am really looking forward to moving on to this new stage of my life!!!

SCHOOL!!!

Who would have thought that jumping in, both feet first,could be so much work?! I have 4 fabulous classes- and each of them is an immense amount of homework!! I love my photography class- I am finally getting the opportunity to learn Photoshop, and that is GREAT alongside a teacher who is a professional photographer. To top it off, he uses a Nikon camera... the same brand I prefer, and it's great to have him share his knowledge! I have taken some great pictures this week- our photo assignment was "portaits" of people with things that interest them. I thought I would share a couple of my favorites... so far!!! Ok... so maybe technology isn't my friend right now- I can't get blogger to post my pictures. Sad. I will try again later.

It's been amazing to learn the things I have been learning! I have met some great people, and am really enjoying doing what I am doing!!! I look forward to class every day- just not necessarily the homework. Most of the time I feel like the "old lady" in the class... but I am ok with that. There is so much homework... sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode ~ But I somehow manage to get it all done, every week. This is a good thing.

Well, break over. Time to start up the homework machine again- and hopefully get in bed early tonight!!!

Every day a new day

I started school this week! It feels so good to be back in class, striving for a goal. My degree will be in digital photography- something I have alway loved- photography. For over 20 years, I have been behind the camera taking pictures. It's amazing to see the world through a camera- I have the ability to see small details that others may not.

The classes I am taking this quarter are: obeservational drawing, basics of photography, speech and communication and computer literacy. It may sound strange, but the observational drawing is the most difficult class for me so far! Our homework this week is to draw 80 5 minute sketches. For the othe students in my class that isn't all that difficult- I am guessing a lot of them have been artists their entire lives. The girl who sat across the table from me Thursday was sitting sketching people- and she was really good! I haven't really taken the opportunity in my life to draw things, and this is a difficult class for me.

I did manage to draw a pretty life-like apple the other day, and was pretty impressed with it!

So what have I learned this week... other than not to let my perfectionism get in the way of accomplishing my goals? One line at a time- one mark at a time- a pencil creates the picture you guide it to create. Every day, one act at a time, one decision at a time... our lives are created. All I have to say is... thank goodness for erasers!!!

Pick your angle!

The angle at which you approach something is exactly how you see it.

Have you ever noticed that when you approach a situation, the angle makes a complete difference on how it plays out? If you enter angry... more anger tends to grow. If you come at it from a place of peace, or being willing to "work things out" then usually things go peacefully? Of course, if there is another person involved, that can also affect the outcome, depending on their agle as well.

My camera taught me this profound truth this week, as I was attempting to take a picture. Things just weren't working the way I wanted them to, and I was getting horribly frustrated. I took 2 steps to the right, and realized I had simply been looking at the picture from the wrong angle.

What a profound lesson - and one I will always keep in my heart!

Tender Mercies

Twice a year, my church has a "General Conference" which is shown world wide via staelite. In April of 2005, David A. Bednar, one of the speakers for that conference spoke on the tender mercies of the Lord. He said, "... I believe I have come to better understand that the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ."

(Sunset near Zion National Park)

I know many people have been praying for Zane and I. I know our friends have all been sad and grieved with us over this lost opportunity to be parents. I know our family has also been very saddened by everything that has happened. There is no possible way to express in words the experience we have had.

(Duck Creek)

(Mirror Lake at Duck Creek)

As you know, we took some time as a couple to be together and take a short trip. It was wonderful.

(Bryce Canyon)

To me, there is nothing more healing than to be able to go to nature. The Lord truly has blessed our lives with tender mercies... through the peace we have felt in our home, the thoughts and warm feelings and love we have been expressed through our friends and family... in so many ways, our lives are being truly blessed.

Our hearts have felt immense sorrow this week, this is true. Our hearts have also felt peace, comfort, and even joy. We may not know what is coming around the corner, but every new day brings the dawn of hope - as long as we choose it to be so.

We are well. There is peace in our home and in our hearts. We know the Lord is blessing us with many kind and tender mercies. We are truly grateful for the love that has been expressed, the prayers and thoughts on our behalf... thank you for your love.

Finding peace

Have you ever sat and wondered what it is you have to offer the world? Or why you are here? I will be honest, this has been a week full of reflections, tears of joy, tears of pain, little sleep, worry, hiking... and sitting and communing with God. Why me? Who hasn't asked that question at least once in their lifetime?

Last night, Zane and I sat on the side of the road in Snow Canyon State Park in St George UT- one of the places I go when I am seeking solace. The sky was filled with stars. It was a warm desert night, and there were crickets chirping... and all kinds of things happening around us. It was amazing to sit and listen and ponder. I could feel an amazing peace as I thought about my week, and all it has brought for me.

This week has been an emotional roller-coaster, there is just no other possible way to describe it. One day I am preparing to be a mother, and the next I find out "not this week". How do you begin to understand? How do you sort through those emotions, pick up the pieces and move forward? The answer... I truly do not know.

We know we have many friends and family members praying for Zane and I... for which we are truly grateful. Your prayers are sustaining us, thank you.

I know everything will be ok. I can't really define what "ok" means, because I really don't know, but I do know that everything will turn out ok. How do I know this? I know that through the love of my Savior, and His power to heal, my heart will be ok. He will bless us to be able to pick up the pieces of our lives and move forward- stronger and more full of faith. We have come to understand more fully the scripture "Come unto me all ye that labour an are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me, and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

This week, he has surely made our burden lighter, and we have found some rest along the way. our hearts still ache- but not as much has they did just a few short days ago. For that I am truly grateful.

I know we will continue being guided as we seek to know what we need to do with our lives. I am looking for a venue to begin selling my photography, and Zane is hoping to be accepted in to law school... these are two of our next steps. Goals are important- they will help us continue looking toward the future instead of reflecting on the past.

Thank you for all your love, support and prayers.

The Lord opens a window...

"The Sound of Music" is one of my favorite musicals. In it, there is a line... "When the Lord closes the door, somewhere he opens a window."

We got the word today that this birth mother is not going to place her child with us to adopt.

Does my heart ache? More than you can possibly imagine. I have wanted to be a mother more than anything in this world for as long as I can remember. Have I had the opportunity to look at myself, grow, and come to a deeper understanding of God's love? Absolutely. Does all that make it any easier for my hurting heart? Maybe.

Zane and I are going to take a short trip- to Zion National Park- my favorite place on earth!!! We will be leaving in the morning.

There are so many people who have been praying with us, and I also know you will be aching with us as well. When I am stronger emotionally, I will be able to talk about it. Right now, please respect that we are grieving the loss of a child. We need a little time to heal the hurting inside. Thank you for being so wonderful. We truly appreciate everything everyone has done for us!!

"When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window..." we have the hope to be able to adopt at a future date. We are now completely prepared!! What could be better? (It's always a good thing to look on the bright side... or so I am told.)

Please continue to pray for us. That will give us the strength to carry on!!

Hope

Since last Thursday, I haven't heard anything from our birth mother. She was supposed to be induced yesterday, but as of last Thursday, she told me that had been changed. I don't know what the new date is, and I haven't heard anything from her. As you can imagine, my emotions are everywhere.

There is another family she had been considering placing her baby with. I have been wondering about that family this week.

I am holding out hope. We have waited to be parents for over 12 years now, and it is so close. Our birth mom is an amazing woman, and I know she is going through a very difficult time. We are praying for her. Only she can make the dscision of who to place her baby with. Of course, as you can imagine, we hope it is us.

Hope, prayers and faith. What more can one do?

Today is an amazing day. I have a good friend who is making a very difficult decision, and I can say I can relate in a small way with the struggle, but not with the choices she is having to make. This a friend whom I love dearly. As I have become better friends with her over the past while, I have seen so many amazing qualities in her that I admire. I have come to see her more as a siser than a friend.

She is a strong woman who knows what it takes to do things on her own.... and she has done it. She is a single mother of amazing children- who have been guided and taught by her example and love. Her heart is good, and she always wants the very best for her family. Sometimes, that means a struggle in her heart between one choice and another. She has the amazing capacity to make friends, and is completely genuine. I am honored to call her friend.

If she reads what I write here (which I really don't know if she will or not) I want her to know I love her dearly. Her decision is a difficult one, and I know her heart is struggling. I wish there was something I could do to help lift that burden. I am praying for her - so she will be able to know the best decision to make. Only she can know what is the right choice for her is. I don't want to make that decision for her... it's not my place. I don't want to make her feel that I am trying to influence her, either.

Wonderful friend, follow your heart. Ask God for guidance. Listen, in those quiet moments, to the answers you feel inside your heart. I will always be here, a phone call away, willing to listen. I know you will make the right decision. I love you with all my heart!

How is he 2 already?

How is it that my cute little nephew has already turned 2 years old?! They really do grow up so fast. Happy birthday little guy!!We had a gread day at Wheeler Historic Farm celebrating his special day! Who knew you could get so close to the geese?! What a great time we had!!!

How perfect is this little pony? All the kids were able to have a couple rides, and we had a great time!!!!

Miracles every day

Yesterday was amazing. I got to go to an appointment with our baby's birth mom and see my little boy on an ultrasound. I got to hear his heart beat, watch it on the monitor... see his fingers and toes. Wow. I watched him move around in his birth mom's belly. It is so amazing to me that she is so willing to let me be a part of this incredible miracle.

After 12 years of wondering if this would ever happen, my heart is so full. How can I possibly explain the love I feel for this little one? His name is Samuel Joseph.

We are getting his nursery started this week-painting and decorating. Saturday we are going to put together his crib and put everything in order...

It truly almost seems like I am dreaming. If I am, I would rather not wake up!

Week full of blessings

It never ceases to amaze me the goodness in people's hearts. My friends and neighbors, after hearing about this young mother in a car accident last week, have really opened their hearts in order to help her. I am so grateful! When I took her 4 beautiful children back to her- living in a motel for now until they find a place- I was able to take her clothing and toys for each of the children, as well as some clothing for her. Her boyfriend was also living with her at the time and has lost a lot of his belongings- so he is also being lend a hand.

There are programs in the state where they can all be helped, and as far as I know right now, there are people from the state helping this young family as they are struggling and trying to get their feet back on the ground. Workforce servies is helping her find employment, there is counseling offered fort he children... all the things this family will need. They have a marvelous bishop who is doing his best to help as well.

I am so grateful to have been able to be there, help where I was needed, and have good friends and neighbors willing to help me help her. What an incredible experience this has been for everyone involved! I hope and pray I will always be willing and able to be the Lord's hands when and where He needs me.

Miracles never cease!

I know that God is a God of miracles. Yesterday, I brough 4 beautiful children in to my home who needed a place to go. Bit by bit, I have been learning about them. They are 2, 3, 5 and 6 years old. The 3 year old has autism, and the 5 year old has very angry, compulsive behaviors. The 6 year old feel responsible for the safety of all the others, and the 2 year old just wants to be reassured and held. Too much to handle for a woman who has no children? Maybe... unless Alicia and Emily spent the ENTIRE day with me, and Lorena spent the evening. These 3 incredible teen age girls have made all the difference in the world.

Neighbors and friends have brought things to my home for the kids- books, clothes, toys... anything you can think of. Complete strangers have brought clothing they have gone and purchased for this very reason. Each of the 4 kids have enough clothes for at least a week- if not more!

Their mother had surgery today on her hand. The doctors weren't sure what was going to happen... and thought they were going to have to perform multiple surgeries- and were prety sure they wouldn't be able to save her whole hand. Today, after about 6 hours of surgery, all went well. Her hand is repaired- she may not regain complete mobility of her wrist, and one of her fingers had to be fused... but she will have her hand.

I know that God is our Father, and He is aware of everything that is happening in our lives. He watches over us and protects us. There is a country song that says, "I believe there are angels among us" and I have to say, I have seen and felt those angels as they have come to my home to love this family. I know they were sent in to my life to remind me of the many blesings I have... where much is given, much is expected.

Following your heart

Have you ever followed your heart, then stopeed to think hmmmmmmmmmmm.... I should have thought this through a little more than I did? I have a miracle to share.

Tuesday night, Zane and I were on the way to a parenting class. Just as we were getting off the exit, we noticed there was a vehicle overturned blocking traffic. There were already cars stopped ahead of us, so Zane jumped out of the car and starting directing traffic and calling Highway Patrol (as an officer, he knows just what to tell them) while others on the scene began to pull a mother and her 4 young children from the vehicle. I pulled off to the side of the road and approached the scene cautiously... finding 4 very frightened children, and a youth group (from my old ward!) there helping as best they could. I sat on the side of the road holding an amazingly brave 6 year old as his mother was life-flighted to the hospital. All the children were also taken to the hospital. I remember this little boy being terrified, and I asked him to be a soldier for me. He told me he couldn't be a soldier because soldiers aren't scared. I assured him that soldiers can be brave and scared at the same time- as fireman Sam strapped him to a backboard and wheeled him away.

I couldn't sleep Tuesday night, and I was pretty sure all the emotion had also impacted the youth that were on the scene as well. Wednesday, I called all the hospitals looking for my brave soldier. No one had him. I called around looking for the mom... and because of HIPPA laws, I was not able to find out anything. Finally, a nurse took compassion on me when I told her I had been there and I only wanted to know if she was ok. She placed me on hold, came back and assured me the mother was fine. I left my phone number and asked to have a member of the family call me. Within 45 minutes, the mother called.

This woman has seen her share of trials. Recently, she was homeless with her 4 beautiful children. She moved in to an apartment last Wednesday... to have it burn to the ground Friday. She was traveling with her kids- and new clothing that had been donated to her- when she had this accident on Tuesday. She had just found out her left wrist and hand were crushed so badly the doctors were going to amputate it. What a place to be. Thanks to my friend Tammy, we were able to make and take her a dinner in the hotel she is staying in... thanks to the Red Cross. I thought the kids would likd to know what happened, so I called Zac, one of the teen age boys that was on the scene. Immediately, this young man took action and began preparing a service project to help this single mother and her children... gathering school supplies, clothing... and the project has grown to un-imagineable proportions.

Today I called her again to see how things are going. The mother told me that she was going to meet with DCFS and her friend who was taking care of her children... but that the friend could no longer care for these 4 traumatized kids- it was too much for her. They would all become wards of the state, unless she could find someone to take care of them- and she has no friends and family in Utah.

The point of the story? Tonight, I have 4 beautiful children staying in my home. I have an army of wonderful neighbors, friends and complete strangers who have come from everywhere to donate things children need- tooth brushes, toys, clothes, pajamas, socks, food... you name it. My home has been innundated with goodness. Zac and his sister, as well as 2 other young women came to my hopme and played with the kids as we prepared placed to sleep and food to eat.

I believe there are no coincidences in life. The Lord puts us where he needs us... when he needs us. I am so grateful to all the hearts that have been open, the love that has been shared, and the compassion of friends and neighbors who had never before even met this family. I am eternally grateful for the outpouring of love. I am also overwhelmed and grateful that the Lord has allowed me to be a part of this experience.

Relay for Life

This year marks the 25th annual American Cancer Society's "Relay for Life". It was, for Riverton, the 2nd annual event. I was involved on the committe in Riverton, along with my friend Tammy. We were in charge of the entertainment portion of the night.

A lot of people have asked me what the Relay for Life is... So I would like to share a little bit. It is a fund-raiser for the American Cancer society, getting funds for cancer research. Team captains find teams, and they get involved in fund-raising, as well as walking an actual relay. There is a track, and each member of the team is asked to walk the track... enough times so there is someone walking at all hours of the night. Cancer survivors are invited to come share this event, and share their stories and strength with others. Teams pitch tents and take time sleeping through the night. Local businesses can donate to the cause, and we had many there... Stefano's Gelatto, Water Mart, and others donated items that participants could purchase with the proceeds going to the American Cancer Society. There were also games for the kids to play and a midnight movie!

Our Relay was last Friday, and we had a great time! Interestingly enough, just 24 hours previous to the event, all but 2 of our entertainment options for the evening called and let us know they would be unable to make it. I was in somewhat of a panic as I called a band, Molly Drive, at 9:45 PM the night before our event. Wes was the member of the band I spoke with, and he performed a miracle for us. Molly Drive came and performed for the majority of the event. Thank you guys, for being our miracle!!!

Zane helped out with the flag ceremony- which was a life saver!!



Luminaries are placed around the track, and lit at night after dark, symbolizing the light of hope. The first lap of the Relay is walked by cancer survivors. They carry banners, helping everyone remember the purpose of the Relay. The second lap is completed by survivors and caregivers, and the third lap is walked by everyone present.

At our Relay, cancer survivors wore purple shirts. Commitee members wore blue, team captains yellow, and team members white. It was amazing to see the strngth and support of families and friends as each family member, team member and friend walked hand in hand in support of their loved one fighting/facing cancer.

I look forward to participating in next year's event!!

Miracles

"Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles." -Mike Greenberg. I have thought about miracles a lot recently, and have begun to wonder is there truly such a thing as a tiny miracle?

In our life right now, Zane and I are living in the midst of miracles. Every day we feel and know of the marvelous things happening in our lives, for which we are truly, truly grateful.

The past 8 weeks have changed our lives forever. The Sunday before Father's Day, we made an amazing new friend. This beautiful young lady has been through many different experiences in her life that have taught her so many lessons. It has been a joy and a privelege getting to know her and her family.

Something that has really touched me, since the first day we met, is that she is expecting a baby, and had decided she wanted him to live in a home with a mother and a father...to give him the best possible opportunities in this life time. She is a single mother of 3 incredible children, and she strongly believed she was not able to give this new little boy the life she wanted for him. She made the decision to place him for adoption.

For 12 years now, Zane and I have wanted to be parents. We have prayed and prayed... and there were some days, honestly, I wondered if there was anyone listening to our prayers. Our hearts have been broken through my body's inability to carry a pregnancy- and there have been times I have been completely discouraged.

The miracle in our life right now is that our beautiful new friend wants to place her baby in our home for us to adopt him. Zane and I are blessed to become parents!!! September 17th, she will be induced, and we will bring him home just as soon after that as we can. 6 short weeks from now, our baby will be born!

Words cannot possibly express the way I am feeling tonight, as I sit here and try to share this incredible miracle! I went to her check-up appointment this week, and saw my baby's ultrasound- and heard his little heart beat. It completely took my breath away! I could not stop the tears from flowing as we saw his hands, feet, face, watched the heart beating... I knew it was real- this is a miracle.

How do you possibly thank someone who is giving you the most precious gift anyone could give you? How do you express gratitude for something so miraculous? I am so grateful for her ability to love and trust us to raise this beautiful little boy. I am so gratful to my Heavenly Father for having one of our friends be a the right place at the right time to get to know this amazing birth mother. I am overwhelmingly grateful for the answers to our prayers. I am grateful to my parents for their love and support as we face the newly discovered challenges in our lives. I am grateful to other family and friends for their love, support and understanding.

Miracles happen every day. I am grateful for every one of the miracles in my life!!

Every New Day

Every day there is excitement. There are times when it's hard to believe something is really happening in my life right now- it seems too extraordinary to believe. I am not casting doubt, in any way, shape or form- it just is so surreal to me I don't quite know how to comprehend it all. Sometimes when we receive blessings, it's not in the way we expect, look for, or even dream of. Such is the situation I am living right now. I don't want to divulge a whole lot of details at this moment, so anyone reading this will just have to be patient and understand there will be more details in the near-ish future.

I am so greateful to know that I have a Heavenly Father who hears and answers my prayers. There have been many nights where I have wondered if anyone was really listening- and all was in vain. What I have come to understand is that the answers to our prayers aren't always "yes" ...or exactly the answers when and where we are seeking them. He does hear, yet allows us the freedom to make choices that will affect our own lives. He doesn't put a stumbling block in front of us- He simply allows us to create the challenges for ourselves that will stretch our faith and allow us to grow.

What challenges have I created for myself? I have the opportunity to make a new choice about that challenge and create a new outcome. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to live, love, and learn!

Moment of truth

Something has been on my mind lately, and I want to share it. More than anything, I really want to get it out- so people know the truth about some things that I have maybe not been "quite so honest"about... and it's about time! First let me start with a little background.

I know a person who lives their life in a way that I don't understand. When something happens to them, they tell a different version of the story to everyone they meet- including their family members. Story to story, un-truth to un-truth, I have come to realize that I can't necessarily trust that person's verson of anything they tell me. I feel sad for them, as their life is difficult- and if they had told the truth each time, instead of telling the version of the story they thought the person listening wanted to hear... things would be much simpler for them. After all, if you tell a story to a particular person, you have to remember who you told what- and pretty soon, you can get caught in your own web of deceit. Friends and family begin to not trust you... and then where do you stand?

Well, here is my moment of truth. I know it sounds silly, but I really have the desire to share. Many of you know that I have been quite heavy at one point and time. I have said I weighed "about 300 pounds" and this is actually quite true. I want to come clean with everyone who knows me. At one point, I weighed 310 pounds. Today, I weigh 219. That extra 10 pounds may seem like not a lot... but imagine carrying around a 10 pound bag of sugar all the time... day and night. 10 pounds is 10 pounds!

I am on a journey of discovery- discovering who I am, and what I am capable of. I am absolutely capable of living my life in truth. The truth is- weight loss is difficult. Anyone who has tried knows!

I have so many wonderful friends, and family members who have supported me for a very long time. I have a goal to continue working in weight loss, and especially in the next 8 weeks, in a way that has integrity and honesty. Every day I am eating proper foods and doing the exercises that will help me gain the strength I need.

Every day is a challenge. I have to be honest with myself, and in keeping a journal of the things I eat. It's really ok for me to have a bowl of ice cream now and then... as long as I keep an honest record.

I have also decided to be completely honest with those around me. Why keep inside how I am truly feeling? Sometimes, in the past, I have not expressed my point of view for fear of how others might react to me. Isn't the same as doing what my friend mentioned above has done?

After all... "Honesty is the best policy!"

A sunset... on the old me!!!

Patriotism on my mind

I had an experience today I would like to share.

At church, someone was playing prelude music for everyone to listen to as the meeting was getting started. Usually, people simply talk over the music- it's more of a background than much else- and that's pretty ok with me. What happened, though, is the National Anthem was being played as prelude. As a military wife, I immediately stood and placed my hand over my heart- along with a friend sitting next to me. One other person in the room did the same. Out of respect for our country... and those who have fought and lived, as well as fought and died, it has always been my understanding you stand while the Star Spangled Banner is played. I know many people were looking at us- wondering why we were doing what we were doing- but that was perfectly fine with me. less than 5 minutes later, the Star Spangled Banner was played again, and the same 3 of us stood. I closed my eyes and thought of the words- my heart was deeply touched.

Many people don't understand the story of the National Anthem. I have heard the story told a few times... and it truly moves me. The hymn was written during the war of 1812, when Francess Scott Key was a negotiatior, sent to negotiate the release of American prisoners. Once he reached the ship in the harbor, however, he was taken captive. The Americans had been told if the flag stood in the morning, it would be considered that the Americans were victorious in the battle. Through the night, the British focused all their firepower directly on our flag pole. Brave soldiers rushed to our country's aid, holding the flag erect through the night. In the morning, as Francess looked over the harbor, he was unable to see for all the smoke that filled the air. He wrote the Star Spangled Banner as a prayer from his heart... can the flag be seen- are we victorious? And there it was, leaning heavily to one side... yet standing. America was victorious! The price? The brave men who rushed to hold up the flag during the night... many of them perished. It was their bodies the flag pole was leaning on, standing where it could be seen through the thick morning smoke.

So when the Star Spangled Banner is playing, I will stand. I will not talk - must people usually do not talk through a prayer - and I will remember those who have lived and died to give me the freedoms I now enjoy. I am so grateful to live in this great land. I am deeply grateful to those who have paid the utimate price so that I may live free.

Thank you to all the families of miltary personel - past, present, and future, for allowing your loved one to serve our country in a way few people can, or will. May the Lord bless you every day for your great sacrifice.

Independence Day

I was just refelcting on what Independence Day means to me. I know as Americans, we all enjoy the fireworks, the BBQs and picnics, the parades and swimming... but there is more to it than parties and pomp & circumstance.

What of those who have given us our freedoms? What of those families who send loved oned overseas- to have them return changed... or not return at all? I know we hear frequently that "freedom isn't free" but what does that truly mean?

For me, personally, it meant months of sleepless nights, worrying, praying. Watching a friend struggle when her husband was killed. Gathering with families of military serving over seas... just to know there was someone else in the world feeling the same way I was. Trying to explain to darling children where their favorite uncle Zane was... and taking the Zane-bear to girls camp, family reunions, youth outings, and to bed with me at night. It meant crying when I had to hang up the phone, hanging on to every word spoken- not knowing if it would be the last I heard for him. Wondering for weeks on end when he might be able to call, when a mission would end. It meant nights of staring at the phone and wishful thinking when awakening from a dream finding the phone really hadn't waken me from the slumber. It meant talking all night to him- and sleeping all day. It meant bursting in to tears for no apparent reason- and often cring myself to sleep at night. It meant being without someone I love.

Don't get me wrong. I love the parades. I love the fireworks and grilled chicken sandwich- I love the patriotic music... I love the celebrations we have! My perspective is just different than most, and I wanted to share it while it was fresh in my mind.

Happy Independence Day. This is a day I will always hold dear to my heart.

Family

It's been a long, full week... with rain, gardening, organizing, learning... after a wonderful father's day last Sunday. I wanted to share a picture of my family... in my parent's yard. It's amazing to think of all the things my dad has taught me through the years. Thanks, dad, for everthing you have done for me!!!

Baptism day!

Two weeks ago we had a very special baptism day! I can hardly believe this wonderful little boy has alreaday turned 8 years old... where has the time gone?

It was wonderful to be together- as many of the family members as could make it- to celebrate this very special day.
What an incredible family. I feel so blessed to be a part of their lives. My niece and nephews are such a joy to me. I really love spending time with them. I'd keep them... but I think their mom and dad might complain.

Father and son. What an amazing day!

Piano recital!

It's hard to believe that it has been 10 and a half years since she was born in to our family! My cute niece had a piano recital this week... and we had the honor of hearing her play a duet. She is very gifted with music- and you can really tell she loves playing. Wow, how time flies! I still remember her first day of preschool... ((sigh))

Great lesson learned today

For my elements of Design class, I am supposed to write a paper about an artist or field of art that is of interest to us. I have always like Ansel Adam's photography, so I decided to research morea bout his life and his work. I have watched a few interviews with him on the internet- and have come to realize I have some things in common with him. I had never considered that before! I love what he said... he simply finds the right subject- then waits 10-15 minutes for the right shot... not for hours.

People have often asked him to explain his photography to them... what he was seeing and feeling in the moment that he took a photograph. His response? "The element of verbalisation, of explaining what's in the picture, what you feel about it, it's very futile, because if it isn't in the picture... what are you talking about? I can never put in to words the feelings of that particular moment." When he talks about one of his pictures he said, "I just happened to see an extraordinary moment."

Isn't that what life is about?

For me, my photography is about seeing a beauty in something that I can share with others. My goal is to share with the world a "perfectly" captured moment that helps someone stop, take a breath, and ponder on the beauty of the earth around them... the beauty that God has created for each of us to enjoy.

I know I feel at peace while I am in nature... and I hope I can share a part of that moment with those who may not have the same opportunities that I have been given.

Good Morning Saturday!!!

Today is a beautiful day! As I sit at my computer and look through the french doors in to the back yard, I feel so peaceful. Along the fence is my honeysuckle vine blooming, grandpa's white roses, as well as purple roses and clematis. My hummingbird feeder has been extremely busy this morning, and it has been a joy to watch my little friends zip in and out of my yard.

I know there is a lot of work to get done- but for me, I am grateful for the small moment to sit and reflect on the beauty just outside my window. I should do this more often!

Quite the week...

It's only Wednesday, and it has been quite the week so far. Sunday I woke up woth an extreme stiff neck, unable to sit up long enough to sit through church... not my idea of fun. I waited anxiously for something to happen Sunday night ~ which didn't. (I understand there are things that are out of our control at times...) I love the thunderstorms- but how can I week my yard and pick the already bright red strawberries? Tuesday I was hoping for a little emotional help at school... and ended up being the one doing the helping. Today at school when I turned in my collage, the response was "This is a good effort, I would like to see you try it again." That's not quite what I was expecting... to say the least! Then I discovered that the project that is due on Friday- I have done wrong. After 10 hours of art work... time to start over. Hmmmmmmmm...

So what do you do? I guess dig in my heels and get to work!!

This is a picture I took earlier this week... and I thought I would share!!

Peaceful Drive

As a surprise, Zane took me for a drive yesterday- to take pictures of wildflowers! I know sooooooo many people would be shocked to hear this... I took over 250. I love having the ability to capture a moment in time- whether it be a smile on a niece or nephew's face, a happy dance... or a single flower blowing in the wind.

I have a final project that I am doing for my design class- creating a collage of my pictures and arranging them in a way that is "properly" designed. I had been thinking about arranging pictures from Zane's deployment to Afghanistan, but have since changed my mind. I am going to make a collage of my pictures of nature. I have to bas the project around a single word, and the word I have chosen is serenity. For me, there is no place more serene than to be in nature- surrounded by God's beautiful creations! When I finish the project, I will put a picture on my blog- but for now, this is just a seed of an idea in my mind just starting to grow. I am really excited for the challenge!

I did want to share a few pictures from this weekend (of course) and some of the spectacular views I was witness to! I love how my heart feels when I can pause for a moment and reflect on every blessing I have in my life. I know I am truly blessed, and for that I am eternally grateful!

Life Lessons

How do you react when a friend who is younger than you tells you he just purchased his wife's burial plot- she is dying of cancer. What do you do when you are with a friend who is allergic to nuts- and she unknowingly eats them and has a severe reaction- and you are the only one around? Or how about the police officer husband who is supposed to be home at 10:30 who doesn't return until 4 hours after that... having an "interesting night" playing cops and robbers? And what if all of this happened within 24 hours?!

I have had an incredibly peaceful weekend. Friday night, talking to my friend who will be burying his beautiful wife soon, I learned a great truth. I have never met her, but I know her spirit and her beauty. As we were talking, I was attempting to comfort him, and it was very difficult. I found myself crying with him- and that was an amazing experience. "...Mourn with those that mourn..."

My friend with the nut allergy? We left an event, came home and took care of her through allergy medication and rest. She kept telling me she could stay then go home an hour later... and I know that would have been a poor choice, as her airways were shutting off. I stayed home for concern there could be a more serious reaction "...comfort those that stand in need of comfort..."

And the cop husband? "...Stand as a witness of God in all times and in all things, and in all places..." He was arresting people and doing what is right , to keep the community a safer place to live. I felt in my heart that he was really ok... even though he was many hours late coming home. There was a peace that told me everything would be fine, and it was.

Alma 18:9 is a great scripture from the Book of Mormon- it's where all the quotes from above came from.

I am grateful for the experiences I had this weekend. There are moments when it is clear to me that Heavenly Father has had a hand in my life... and this is one of those moments. Through each of these experiences I have had a peace with me that is impossible to describe. I have been given words to say that I know are not my own. I have been guided in what to do. I have been watched over and blessed with peace. I am so grateful!

The bus ride

For an emotional healing class I am taking right now, I am reading the book "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" by Debbie Ford. The sub-title of the book is "Reclaiming your power, creativity, brilliance, and dreams". This book is absolutely incredible! I highly recommend it.



There is one chapter in particular that has really moved me to see myself more clearly. I feel like in order to fully understand the meaning there, you need to read all the previous chapters- so I won't tell you which one it is- but I want to share the ideas learned that have helped me see myself more clearly. I believe this meditation would help anyone.



Debbie talks in her book about the fact there are aspect of ourselves that we either don't like, or we try to ignore and set aside. I absolutely can see some of those aspects of myself- some of them clear as day. I know others can see them too. She suggests a meditation in which we can face those aspects, see what we can learn from them, and learn to accept the face that whether we like it or not, we have that particular trait within us... and we have the ability to embrace it rather than run from it.



She suggests doing a meditation- sitting in a quiet place and visualizing yourself getting on a bus. Sit somewhere near the middle as the bus begins its journey. The bus is full of people- old, young, thin, not-so-thin, beautiful, not-so-beautiful... all types of people. There may even be animals on the bus- let nothing come as a surprise there. As you look at the other passengers on the bus, you realize each of them is an aspect of you- who you are. Continuing the meditation, looking around, you see a passenger that would like to talk with you one-on-one. Imagine the bus stopping, and the 2 of you getting off, going somewhere to talk. That passenger will either have a name- or you can help them find a name- and you spend time finding out what it is that personality trait has taught you in your life. You then, once the conversation is complete, re-embark the bus with that passenger, and continue that journey. Doing the meditation more than once, you can learn many things from many other personality traits within you.



I recently did this visualization. I was astounded! The passenger who wanted to speak with me was Fat Freddie- a passenger who seemed larger than any of the people I have even seen compete on "The Biggest Loser". He was huge- and very sad. Our conversation was very interesting. I asked him, first of all why he was sad. The reason he told me was "Because you don't accept yourself how you are. It doesn't matter what you look like, although being healthy is much better for you than what I am like, I am sad that you hate yourself. I feel sad for you that you don't understand what a beautiful person you really are." Wow. He continued, "You have learned so much in your life. Part of the reason you have so much compassion for others is that you have had such a deep struggle within. It would be wonderful for you to accept yourself as you truly are, let your light shine, and stop beating yourself up over small choices you make." When he was done talking to me, we were at a park in my mind, I sat there and cried. He was right! We re-joined the other passengers on the bus. I embraced him, then left the bus to end the meditation. There are many other passengers waiting for their opportunity to do the same thing as Freddie.



Many people have known me for a long time. I have tried, unsuccessfully at times I am sure, to hide my insecurity over my weight. I also have allowed my weight at times to become an excuse as to why I was unable to participate in certain activities... and there are activities that my weight has caused me to not be able to participate in. I have the desire to no longer struggle with any of that. Today is a new day in my life!



Debbie says in her book "If we don't shift our perception of our true selves, we'll be stuck repeating our past behavior". Isn't that profound? By talking with the passengers on my personal bus journey, I am sure I will learn many new things about myself. I am excited for the bus ride!

Blow Flowers

Yesterday I took my nephew to a field full of dandelion puffs. I explained to him they are flowers you blow- and now we have "Blow flowers!" We spent nearly an hour in that field blowing, running through, laying in... dandelion puffs. What better free entertainment could we have had?! Love those memories!!!

Moab Sites!

Last week, Zane and I went to Moab with my brother and his family. I thought I would share a few of the incredible sights!

Oh, and of course, some of the cutest kids on the planet!

Our camp site was infested with caterpillars... there were thousands of them everywhere!They were making cocoons in the chairs, coolers, tires... we brought a few home as unexpected souveniers!

This poor little guy got sick on our first day there.

Kung Fu in the river... and 3 heart-shaped rocks were found that day!

Zane checking out his girlish figure!

We had a great time! I hope there will be more trips like this one in the future!