Thursday, December 10, 2009

Children's book illustrated!!!

Many friends and family may not know this, but a few years ago I worte a children's book. It has been sitting in a closet waiting for me to have the courage to do something about finding an agent, get an illustrator... get my act together.

As part of my "Observational Drawing" class, we have a final project due... 8-10 'storyboard' sketches and a final pencil rendering... which takes hours. Let's just say, I already had the idea floating around, and this week I have finally done illustrations to put with it!! It is amazing, if I do say so myself, to see how much progress I have made this quarter, alone, in my drawing ability. I am really happy. When I get the opportunity, and the scanner is working properly, I will share a couple of my drawings. Of course, I won't give away the story... you'll have to wait until it gets published to read the whole thing!!! (I did draw a VERY realistic killer whale, if that helps at all?!)

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Unashamed of the truth

Again, I have had another week full of reflection. So many people have been asking me what's wrong. I have really been struggling, and I guess it's time to admit it. I know I have told a few close friends, but I want to open my heart to everyone.

It's the holiday season. I know the spiritual focus is on Christ and family... but the commercial focus is on children and presents and family.

Since our adoption fell through in September, my heart has been aching. I have been enjoying school and new friends... but nothing can replace the void I am feeling in my life. After twelve and a half years of being married, we were going to finally have a baby. I know time heals all things, it's just very difficult for me right now... especially seing all the young families.

To add to that, I want to be a little more open about Thanksgiving. I asked the question "What's missing from the stuffing?" and the reply was my sibling's bi-polar tyrade. (That's an actual diagnosis, not my opinion. You can ask that sibling if you know them, but I almost guarantee they will not tell you the truth about it.) My dad blamed me for the situation in the heat of the moment, and was angry that I would ask a question like that- to "poke" at that sibling. Truthfully, it was an honest question. There was something different than usual, and I was honestly wondering what it was.

Because of the reaction of said sibiling, my nephew reacted in a way that shows he has seen a lof of emotional distress. (I have been a foster parent of negledted/abused children, have taken many classes about how to recognize and help traumatized children.) My sibling and their spouse have had many fights, and their spouse in now on probation for domestic violence in front of a child with the
State of Utah. No child deserves to live is a situation where there is constant bickering and fighting.

In Utah, if you are aware of child abuse or neglect, and do not report it, you are breaking the law. (I am married to a police officer, I know these things. It's a misdemeanor, but still, it's the law.) For the second time, I called DCFS on my sibling. (I know they think I have called more than that, but I have not.) Every time the police have been called on them for domestic violence reports, I am pretty sure they have also called DCFS (That is the law, and the police can't igonre it). I pray someday someone will stand up and protect that little boy. He deserves a better life than the one he is living right now. Any child does.

So here I am. Finals time at school, Christmas, an empty home, a sibling who is emotionally affecting their child in a very negative way, (and pulling the family apart by their behavior on Thanksgiving). I am on sebatical from my family right now. I have told my parents I refuse to allow that sibling to abuse me any longer (since I am usually the target of their bi-polar hate and anger tyrades), and have stood up and walked away. I have also told them I do not approve of their enabling that sibling to treat the family the way they do. I no longer accept "that's just the way things are". Having a mental illness does not mean someone is not accountable for their behavior.

I know we must have opposition in all things- can we truly be happy if we never understand the sad? But I feel, sometimes, as if the whole world is crashing down on me. I guess today is one of those days. I am going to finish my school paper, go to sacrament meeting, then the National Guard with Zane- to help in the Family Readiness Group (FRG) this afternoon. Hopefully my heart will find some of the peace it is seeking!