And the journey begins...

How many people in this world have ever said "I need to lose weight"? How many have done so, and know what it takes? Who doesn't wish there was a magic pill that would just fix it all?!

To date, I have managed to lose 100 lbs. Admittedly, I have gained some of that weight back, but I am now on a losing journey again. This brings the whole school of thought- what is the best way to lose weight? HCG is popular, lap band, fad diets... which one has the magic? Here are my thoughts...

My body belongs to me. I only have one! I should be careful what I put in to it or do to it. There is a school of thought that says you shouldn't add hormones to your body. I have lived through an experience where I was trying to balance my already existing hormones, and it was miserable for me... why would I artificially add hormones as a means of weight loss? So then we come to the lap band. Did a little rubber band sit next to me all my life and feed the the wrong foods, forcing me to be sedentary so I would gain all my weight? For me, the answer there is simple also- surgery to put a rubber band inside me is not the answer to my dilemma. Fad diets? Done a lot of them... liquid diets, high protein... none are permanent.
So what works?

Eating right and hard work. I have done it before. Sometimes, as we know, we have habits that are difficult to overcome. I read a book once by Art Berg called "The Impossible Just Takes a Little Longer". One of my favorite quotes from him is "Some miracles just take time." How profound.

Is losing weight impossible? No. Do I need to take short cuts? No. Do I need assistance? Absolutely. Losing weight is a life altering event. It takes courage, strength, and sometimes a friend to satnd by and encourage you when you are feeling down. I have many friends who are there with me- and especially right now, I have my friend Emily. She is an amazing friend, mentor and guide. For the next 8 weeks, we will be working together on a life changing course. I am so grateful to her! So here it is... and the journey begins!

Another birthday!

Can you believe this sweet princess is 11 years old? It it so hard to believe it was that many year ago I held her in my arms as a little new-born niece. T, do you think you sould stop growing up so fast?! It was fun to have her birthday dinner at grandma's and grandpa's. Our familt tradition is that for your birthday you get to choose the menu for everyone to enjoy. This week? Lasagne, mini corn dogs and steak. It was definately quite a sight to see! We also had an ice cream cake from "Maggie Moos". Wow, this aunt is getting old. At least I have the young kids around to help me remember what it's like to be young and have fun!!! I love you T!

Children's book illustrated!!!

Many friends and family may not know this, but a few years ago I worte a children's book. It has been sitting in a closet waiting for me to have the courage to do something about finding an agent, get an illustrator... get my act together.

As part of my "Observational Drawing" class, we have a final project due... 8-10 'storyboard' sketches and a final pencil rendering... which takes hours. Let's just say, I already had the idea floating around, and this week I have finally done illustrations to put with it!! It is amazing, if I do say so myself, to see how much progress I have made this quarter, alone, in my drawing ability. I am really happy. When I get the opportunity, and the scanner is working properly, I will share a couple of my drawings. Of course, I won't give away the story... you'll have to wait until it gets published to read the whole thing!!! (I did draw a VERY realistic killer whale, if that helps at all?!)

Unashamed of the truth

Again, I have had another week full of reflection. So many people have been asking me what's wrong. I have really been struggling, and I guess it's time to admit it. I know I have told a few close friends, but I want to open my heart to everyone.

It's the holiday season. I know the spiritual focus is on Christ and family... but the commercial focus is on children and presents and family.

Since our adoption fell through in September, my heart has been aching. I have been enjoying school and new friends... but nothing can replace the void I am feeling in my life. After twelve and a half years of being married, we were going to finally have a baby. I know time heals all things, it's just very difficult for me right now... especially seing all the young families.

To add to that, I want to be a little more open about Thanksgiving. I asked the question "What's missing from the stuffing?" and the reply was my sibling's bi-polar tyrade. (That's an actual diagnosis, not my opinion. You can ask that sibling if you know them, but I almost guarantee they will not tell you the truth about it.) My dad blamed me for the situation in the heat of the moment, and was angry that I would ask a question like that- to "poke" at that sibling. Truthfully, it was an honest question. There was something different than usual, and I was honestly wondering what it was.

Because of the reaction of said sibiling, my nephew reacted in a way that shows he has seen a lof of emotional distress. (I have been a foster parent of negledted/abused children, have taken many classes about how to recognize and help traumatized children.) My sibling and their spouse have had many fights, and their spouse in now on probation for domestic violence in front of a child with the
State of Utah. No child deserves to live is a situation where there is constant bickering and fighting.

In Utah, if you are aware of child abuse or neglect, and do not report it, you are breaking the law. (I am married to a police officer, I know these things. It's a misdemeanor, but still, it's the law.) For the second time, I called DCFS on my sibling. (I know they think I have called more than that, but I have not.) Every time the police have been called on them for domestic violence reports, I am pretty sure they have also called DCFS (That is the law, and the police can't igonre it). I pray someday someone will stand up and protect that little boy. He deserves a better life than the one he is living right now. Any child does.

So here I am. Finals time at school, Christmas, an empty home, a sibling who is emotionally affecting their child in a very negative way, (and pulling the family apart by their behavior on Thanksgiving). I am on sebatical from my family right now. I have told my parents I refuse to allow that sibling to abuse me any longer (since I am usually the target of their bi-polar hate and anger tyrades), and have stood up and walked away. I have also told them I do not approve of their enabling that sibling to treat the family the way they do. I no longer accept "that's just the way things are". Having a mental illness does not mean someone is not accountable for their behavior.

I know we must have opposition in all things- can we truly be happy if we never understand the sad? But I feel, sometimes, as if the whole world is crashing down on me. I guess today is one of those days. I am going to finish my school paper, go to sacrament meeting, then the National Guard with Zane- to help in the Family Readiness Group (FRG) this afternoon. Hopefully my heart will find some of the peace it is seeking!

Reflections

For the past 2 weeks, I have done a lot of reflecting on my life. My homework assignments have been to do things such as self-portraits (photography) and also an autobiography. It's interesting when you are asked to get up in front of classmates (mostly considered strangers) and share things about yourself. What do you say, how much do you tell people, what do you want to share, and what do you not want to share. But then again... if you don't share certain things, are you being honest about who you are? In all this reflecting, I have come to understand many things.

One important thing I have really taken to heart (thanks to a dear friend who let me cry on their shoulder last night) is that we truly do teach people how to treat us.

People who know me well will tell you I am a very loving, giving person. As a matter of fact, I will give until my "giving account" in my heart is empty. I also have always done my best to keep the peace among the company I am keeping. It has cost me a lot personally and emotionally, especially in my family. I want to share.

At the Tanksgiving table, I asked an innocent question. It was not meant as an insult or a jab at anyone- just a simple question. A member of my family took it as a personal insult, and World War III broke out over it. This family member (full grown adult) threw a temper tantrum that lasted for the next hour. I understand that I cannot control how someone will react to what I say. However, another family member told me I was in "denial" that I had done anything wrong. Zane and I have talked about it... and how can asking a question be wrong? Do I have to guard everything I say around my family? How is it MY fault how someone reacts to what I say... isn't every person accountable for their own emotions and reactions?

As I sat at the table alone- my parents taking care of the tantruming family member, and my husband in the other room for a moment, I realized that for my entire life, I have allowed my parents to blame me for how this other family member acts or reacts to something. If we teach others how to treat us, this is a very true statement. I will no longer take responsibility, nor will I allow my parents to try to place that responsibility on my shoulders. I have had enough of the blame game. I also hope and pray there comes a day when my parents can see and understand what they have done for so long. Each person is accountable for themselves. If I stood before God today and had to report to Him about what happened at that table, I would be able to honestly say "I have no idea. I asked an innocent question and someone else was offended by it, choosing to cause anger and hatred among family members, for which I was blamed."

I know there will be fall-out from what I am writing on my blog (for which I am not responsible). I also know I am writing from my heart, and I am writing truth. I will live in truth- I will no longer feel guilty or take the blame for someone else's emotional instability. I am who I am. I am a daughter of God and He loves me. He has given me a heart, a mind of my own and a life to live in the manner I see proper. I choose to live life in truth. I know God knows my heart. He understands and knows me better than any person on this earth. I am grateful to understand who I am, to know the strength I have and the opportunity to stand as a solid witness of God in my life. I am greateful to friends who love me and know my heart well. I count you as great blessings in my life- gifts sent from my Father in Heaven.

This week I am starting a new adventure. I am sure I will write about it soon- just not today. I am really looking forward to moving on to this new stage of my life!!!

SCHOOL!!!

Who would have thought that jumping in, both feet first,could be so much work?! I have 4 fabulous classes- and each of them is an immense amount of homework!! I love my photography class- I am finally getting the opportunity to learn Photoshop, and that is GREAT alongside a teacher who is a professional photographer. To top it off, he uses a Nikon camera... the same brand I prefer, and it's great to have him share his knowledge! I have taken some great pictures this week- our photo assignment was "portaits" of people with things that interest them. I thought I would share a couple of my favorites... so far!!! Ok... so maybe technology isn't my friend right now- I can't get blogger to post my pictures. Sad. I will try again later.

It's been amazing to learn the things I have been learning! I have met some great people, and am really enjoying doing what I am doing!!! I look forward to class every day- just not necessarily the homework. Most of the time I feel like the "old lady" in the class... but I am ok with that. There is so much homework... sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode ~ But I somehow manage to get it all done, every week. This is a good thing.

Well, break over. Time to start up the homework machine again- and hopefully get in bed early tonight!!!

Every day a new day

I started school this week! It feels so good to be back in class, striving for a goal. My degree will be in digital photography- something I have alway loved- photography. For over 20 years, I have been behind the camera taking pictures. It's amazing to see the world through a camera- I have the ability to see small details that others may not.

The classes I am taking this quarter are: obeservational drawing, basics of photography, speech and communication and computer literacy. It may sound strange, but the observational drawing is the most difficult class for me so far! Our homework this week is to draw 80 5 minute sketches. For the othe students in my class that isn't all that difficult- I am guessing a lot of them have been artists their entire lives. The girl who sat across the table from me Thursday was sitting sketching people- and she was really good! I haven't really taken the opportunity in my life to draw things, and this is a difficult class for me.

I did manage to draw a pretty life-like apple the other day, and was pretty impressed with it!

So what have I learned this week... other than not to let my perfectionism get in the way of accomplishing my goals? One line at a time- one mark at a time- a pencil creates the picture you guide it to create. Every day, one act at a time, one decision at a time... our lives are created. All I have to say is... thank goodness for erasers!!!