A new angle

Have you ever put someone else's glasses? Or a pair of sunglasses? Things look different through different types of lenses. Sometimes, things get out of focus, clearer, or even appear a different color. This has been my life experience. I have been thinking about writing this post for about 2 weeks now, but it is so personal, I have been afraid to. Why afraid? Well, this hits me to the very core of who I am, and in all honesty, it is embarrasing to admit. I want to get it written down and off my chest though, so here goes...

We see life through our own experiences, our own "lenses". As we live through these experiences, we create beliefs about ourselves. My "experience lenses" as far back as about 10 years old have told me something that was untrue, but I chose to see it as truth. The belief I created was "I am not worthy to be loved. No one likes me." If you know me that may sounds strange, but think about this: as your friend, does it seem like I am always giving something to someone? Doing something for someone- maybe even you? I have believed I had to "earn" friends, and the best way to do that is serving, giving, sharing. Not bad attributes to have, honestly, but exhausting to someone who feels that is the only way they will have friends!

For 7 years, I have gone to dinner with a military wife group. I was invited by one of the cute ladies when Zane left for Afghanistan, and we have continued our gatherings since then. Most of their husbands have made the military their career- captains, lieutenants, etc. Zane has tried, but has been "stuck" as a sergeant since I have known them. It's been interesting to hear about their experiences, but every time we have gone out, I have been the quiet one, not sharing but listening to the group. I talk when I felt I could add, but haven't usually said much. I felt I was invited because these amazing women felt sorry for me. It didn't occur to me until just 2 days before our last gathering (2 weeks ago...) that these women ACTUALLY LIKE ME. Why would they? I didn't even like myself.

So... people have asked me how the weight loss is going. My scale has stayed the same. HOWEVER, I rode my bike a couple days ago, my clothes fit differently, my feet and back hurt less. This isn't a journey about seeing the numbers get smaller, necessarily, but of feeling better. I am feeling better! I know the numbers on the scale will follow eventually.

And on a personal note, I am seeing my friends in a new light. I used to say "those who can see my heart will be my friends" and "those who can't see past all the fat aren't worth having as friends". There are some friends I have believed have stayed around because I do things for them... but I have come to the realization that there are people out there who genuinely just like me. I don't think even I have liked me- so looking through those lenses, that is what I was seeing. How sad. My life could have been so different. When I needed help, I didn't feel I could reach out to anyone- because I was afraid they wouldn't like me. I spent a lot of time alone when I could have actually had friends to help... things are different now.

It starts with me changing perspective. "The angle at which you approach something is exactly how you see it." That's a quote that came to me a few years ago as I was struggling through some depression. I was alone, looking through the lens of my camera and was inspired to try a different angle. The picture turned out amazingly, and I am going to take this lesson to heart.

New agnle. New belief. New me.