Our miracle!

2 months ago today, our little Walter was born. I have wanted to write something profound to share- and have discovered that in waiting for "profoundness" to come, little moments have slipped away in to the night.

We are so very truly blessed to have been given the miracle of having our son, Walter Russell. Our lives have been forever changed! He is an amazing soul who brings peace and love with him frmo his Heavenly Father, and shares it with all those around him. As his 3 year old cousin constantly reminds us "He's so cute. Look at those tiny fingers..."

I am so grateful to know I have a Father in Heaven. There are struggles being a new mom, and I am so grateful to know I can go to my knees asking for his help. I have so many friends & family who have become like guardian angels for me- I know I don't say 'thank you' often enough for all you do.

I pray I can be the kind of mom this young man needs me to be!

WOW!

I took a parenting class once, and the teacher taught that sometimes the only word to describe something is... wow. You can say in in sooooo many tones- to imply surprise, disdain, happiness, compassion... one little word, so many meanings!

I find myself saying wow a lot recently. This is a good wow... just wow. After struggling with so much emotion for so man years of not being a mother, there are times my heart is so full that my eyes just can't stop leaking! I have tried to express it in words in my personal journal, and in my blog, and talking to friends... but quite frankly, there are no words to express the feeling.

I feel my Heavenly Father so close to me. I am constantly protected and watched over. I have been very blessed with an amazing pregnancy- and with amazing friends, doctors and others to bless this journey. It is overwhelming at times.

I can tell the time is coming soon when Walter will be born. We are naming our little boy Walter Russell- after 2 of his great-grandfathers... both amazing and honorable men. I pray we can raise him well, honoring his name sakes, instilling in him the importance of honesty, integrity, service, repsect, love of God, love of country, love of family, being trustworthy, giving, loyal... it all happens a day at a time I know- and they grow up so fast.

Just thinking about it all makes me say... WOW. (And my eyes are leaking again...)

July 17th already?

It is so hard to believe that yesterday was my original due date... boy, how time flies. Because of measurements in ultrasound, the due date has been pushed back to August 16th- but that seems so close!

When you stop to think about it, there is so much to be done in preparing for a baby to come... washing clothes, preparing a place for him to sleep, cleaning the house... It seems as if I have DEFINATELY procrastinated long enough, and I have a lot of work ahead of me. Today is "Tackle the laundry and figure out where it all goes" day. I have never had to organize a little person before- they certainly need a lot of things! Diapers, wipes, clothes... it seems to be a mountain.

I know I can get it all done though- one minute of the day at a time.

I cannot begin to express the gratitude I feel toward my Heavenly Father. I know He is a God of miracles. Sometimes things happen in life that are difficult to experience, yet they teach us lessons that we would never have learned otherwise. I know He has watched over me throughout my life, in good times and in difficult ones, helping me along the way. I am grateful for every trial, every bump along the road, and every blessing I have been given. I am especially grateful to know, and to see, the love that my Heavenly Father has for each of His children.

Sleepless nights

It's a little after midnight, and I am unable to sleep. I realize there will be a lot more of these nights coming up with a precious baby coming in to our home, and I wanted to share a few of the things I have been feeling recently.

It's been a very long time Zane and I have been trying to start our family. There have been heartaches and disappointmens not shared - yet others that have been all too painfully public for friends and family to live through with us.

Recently, someone shared a qupte by Neal A. Maxwell that says "Faith in God includes faith in His timing". How true that is.

Each child is a miracle. I know that our son, who has waited so patiently all these years to come, has come at a time when his mother's heart needed healing the most. I had lost my faith in the opportunity to become a mother, and he has already begun teaching me... by not letting me give up on something that has been so important to my heart for my entire life. As I am writing tonight, he is practicing his "kung fu" kicks- and I hope he understands, and is prepared, for the world he is coming in to. He is a strong little man, and I pray I can do my best as his mother.

My husband is amazing. Zane works so hard to support our family. Recently, not only has he been working (it seems) day and night at his current job, but he is in the process of starting a new one. On top of that, he has had added responsibilites around the house- since I struggle physically getting some things done. I hope he knows just how much I love and appreciate him. I know I don't say it enough, and I hope he truly knows how I feel.

There are times I feel so overwhelmed - in a good way - at the blessings the Lord is sending my way. I have often wondered "who am I" that He would look down and smile on me, giving me so many incredible joys, blessings and treasures. I feel His love often, and am so blessed to be able to see, feel and experience the miracles in my life. They are countless!

Relay for Life!

A few of my friends are asking "What is the Relay for Life?" and I thought I would share a little about it. It's a fund-raiser for the American Cancer Society- a non-profit organization- to raise funds for cancer research.

There is a good chance you, or someone you know and love, has had their lives touched by cancer. Perhaps a grandparent, friend, parent, or a child fighting for their life as they battle breast cancer, leukemia, prostate cancer, brain cancer… More and more, we hear of the courageous efforts to survive. All too often we hear of battles lost by loved ones. This year alone I have lost an uncle as well as a friend to cancer.

In 1985, Dr. Gordy Klatt of Tacoma, WA, walked and ran around a track for 24 hours straight to raise money for the American Cancer Society. He ran for more than 83 miles. His friends, family, patients and co-workers donated $25 to run by his side for 30 minutes at a time raising over $20,000 to donate to the American Cancer Society for cancer research. This singular event has evolved to become a world-wide phenomenon, now known as the “Relay for Life”.

Each year, over 3.5 million people in 5,000 United States Cities, as well as 19 countries gather to walk or run a track for 24 hours. Efforts are made at each Relay to educate the community on cancer awareness, as well as to raise funds for cancer research. Lives of cancer survivors are celebrated, and lives of those who have lost the battle to cancer are commemorated. As communities gather, friendships are created that can last a lifetime.

Last year was the first year I was able to participate in a Relay, and it was an amazing experience! It is INCREDIBLE the feeling you have, gathered together for this event! Teams walk throughout the night. I see this as very symbolic- the sun setting, darkness falling, and hopes rising with the morning sun for a cure for cancer. I really look forward to the Relay this year- being held July 9th in Riverton.






If anyone is interested in knowing more, let me know. The bags you see lining the track are luminaria- they can be purchased in memory of someone who has lost their life to cancer, as well as in celebration for someone who has survived the fight. The goal is to line the entire track- to light the way for a cure.

Wow, where does time go? 24 weeks along now in my pregnancy, I am beginning to realize jsut how precious time can be. Each day I find myself wondering "have I accomplished anything today?" and honestly, sometimes the answer is: "I really don't know." What does it mean to "accomplish" something anyway?

Does helping a friend count? Writing a special note? Resting for an entire day?

I find myself concerned about not having my home ready for when little Walter Russell is born. Is my home in order? Yard? Life? Sometimes it gets so overwhelming to me I just don't know where to begin. Things seem a little more difficult (physically) to accomplish. How do I weed my yard?! Today, I have a few simple goals: 1. Go grocery shopping. 2. Do a load of laundry. 3. Weed 1 small section of yard. 4. Enjoy my afternoon with my nephews and niece.

I have come to determine that in my life there is a definate priority. If I pull weeds- there will be more tomorrow, and the day after that... it's an ongoing task. Yes it's important, and I am doing it. Most important to me, though, is for the people in my life to know how much they mean to me, how much I love them.

We have been married 13 years, and are expecting our first special miracle. Throughout those years, my brother and his wife have had 5 beautiful children who have greatly blessed my life. Each minute I have spent with them throughout the years has filled a very empty place in my heart, and I truly enjoy it!

The thought for me today is: don't worry about the "TO-DO" list. It will still be there tomorrow. Do a few things on it, but choose what you make a priority. Today, my priority is people- to let them know of my love for them. Tomorrow? Now that's a different story...

Just thinking...

Something suddenly struck me last night- the realization that next week is the 20th week of my pregnancy. It's funny how being pregnant, life just goes on as normal... I don't really stop and think about the life being created inside of me all that often.

Yesterday, I sat and help my 9 week old (WOW) nephew for a while. Has it really been that long? Time is going by so fast! How does one slow down time and have the opportunity to savor it more?

Sooner than we know it, our little boy will be born, and I know time will seem to just fly by as he grows. I know it's part of life, but we have waited so long, it's almost as if I want life to move in to a slow-motion pattern for me so I can really see and enjoy everything!

Just something I was thinking about recently...

An AMAZING update...

Long overdue is this update on my blog!

Zane and I will have been married for 13 years this coming April. Since day one of our marriage, we have had the hopes and dreams of becoming parents. As many can imagine, it has been quite the emotional roller-coaster ride as we have hoped, dreamed and prayed... and even tried to adopt. We have even joked with ourselves that we are the "boring old couple in the neighborhood with a cat" and the "Kool-Aid house" where all the kids gather and play in the yard. We have had a great marriage - even though we have both felt that something is missing.

Tomorrow morning at 8:30, we will be going to LDS hospital for an ultrasound of our very first child. I am pregnant, after so many years of waiting!

I thought I would share a little about how we found out:

Last fall, after our adoption fell through, I went back to school- more to occupy my time and mind than aything, but I was also very interesed in studying photography and learning more. I jumped in, both feet first, full time. THAT was difficult! After finals in December, I felt like I had completely wiped myself out, and had no more energy to go back to school in January- so I didn't. By mid January, Zane was off at military school, and I was still feeling completely worn down and unable to do much of anything... so I finally went in to the Dr's office asking for help. (Usually I avoid that at ALL costs!) We tested all my hormones, talked about depression, and the nurse practitioner I was seeing said "We have to rule out pregnncy." I just laughed at her and said "That's fine, we both know the test will turn out negative" and off I went to take a test. We were both completely floored when it came back positive! The only way my nurse practitioner can explain it? "A complete and total miracle. There is no other explination."

With Zane gone, I dialed his number and handed the phone to the practitioner... I couldn't talk! He didn't answer. I called 8 more times... he was in class and in military school, you just can't get up and leave class to answer your phone. I called my parents, and my dad answered. By now, I was in one of the exam rooms (thankfully they are carpeted) laying on the floor, bawling. I told my dad I was pregnant and his response was "I don't think I heard you right, let me get your mom." After talking to my parents, I kept calling Zane... until FINALLY he answered. His response? "That's not something to joke about, that's not funny." Of all the people in the WORLD, wouldn't you think I would know that's not something to joke about?!

So THAT being said. How do we feel? I cannot begin to express in words how blessed we feel, how overwhelmed, how loved. I, personally, had given up hope of ever being a mother. I knew I would never allow myself to go through the heartache I did last fall EVER again, and wasn't sure my body was capable of becoming pregnant.

I know God lives, and that He is a God of miracles. We see miracles around us every day - even though we may not recognize them... the flowers, blue sky - the wind as it tussles our hair... each day is a miracle. I know we are the recipients of an incredible miracle. This baby is truly a gift of God. I pray we are the kind of parents the Lord would have us be to this little soul coming to earth. I pray I can be the mother he or she deserves.

Miracles. They happen every day. I am grateful to the Lord for letting me experience this miracle.

And the journey begins...

How many people in this world have ever said "I need to lose weight"? How many have done so, and know what it takes? Who doesn't wish there was a magic pill that would just fix it all?!

To date, I have managed to lose 100 lbs. Admittedly, I have gained some of that weight back, but I am now on a losing journey again. This brings the whole school of thought- what is the best way to lose weight? HCG is popular, lap band, fad diets... which one has the magic? Here are my thoughts...

My body belongs to me. I only have one! I should be careful what I put in to it or do to it. There is a school of thought that says you shouldn't add hormones to your body. I have lived through an experience where I was trying to balance my already existing hormones, and it was miserable for me... why would I artificially add hormones as a means of weight loss? So then we come to the lap band. Did a little rubber band sit next to me all my life and feed the the wrong foods, forcing me to be sedentary so I would gain all my weight? For me, the answer there is simple also- surgery to put a rubber band inside me is not the answer to my dilemma. Fad diets? Done a lot of them... liquid diets, high protein... none are permanent.
So what works?

Eating right and hard work. I have done it before. Sometimes, as we know, we have habits that are difficult to overcome. I read a book once by Art Berg called "The Impossible Just Takes a Little Longer". One of my favorite quotes from him is "Some miracles just take time." How profound.

Is losing weight impossible? No. Do I need to take short cuts? No. Do I need assistance? Absolutely. Losing weight is a life altering event. It takes courage, strength, and sometimes a friend to satnd by and encourage you when you are feeling down. I have many friends who are there with me- and especially right now, I have my friend Emily. She is an amazing friend, mentor and guide. For the next 8 weeks, we will be working together on a life changing course. I am so grateful to her! So here it is... and the journey begins!

Another birthday!

Can you believe this sweet princess is 11 years old? It it so hard to believe it was that many year ago I held her in my arms as a little new-born niece. T, do you think you sould stop growing up so fast?! It was fun to have her birthday dinner at grandma's and grandpa's. Our familt tradition is that for your birthday you get to choose the menu for everyone to enjoy. This week? Lasagne, mini corn dogs and steak. It was definately quite a sight to see! We also had an ice cream cake from "Maggie Moos". Wow, this aunt is getting old. At least I have the young kids around to help me remember what it's like to be young and have fun!!! I love you T!