The naked truth

Wow, has it been a long time. Over 2 years. Today, this post is a little scary. Just a few weeks ago, I was realizing I had turned 40 last November, and I was thinking about what I have made of my life. Am I where I thought I would be? Do I have the friends I thought I would have? Am I doing the things I love to do? Am I happy? The answer to those questions, for the most part, is no. But why? I have lived with a belief that I needed to be what others wanted me to be- in order to be a good person. With one friend I am a certain way, with another friend, another way- not causing waves, stating my opinion (I didn't believe it mattered) or sharing what was important to me. If you know me personally, think about it... what is it I like to do? (Usually whatever it is YOU like to do!) One particular friend finally noticed when she shares her opinions I say "I never thought of it that way..." I don't have to agree or disagree with her. Who does that make me? Is that who I want to be? Not really. I want to matter. I want my opinions to be heard, interests shared, and to be the strong person I KNOW I am inside! 6 years ago, my husband came home from his deployment to Afghanistan. During the year he was gone I managed to drop 80 pounds. It was difficult, but so worth it!!! (You can google me, the article is online still, somewhere.) I weighed less than 200 pounds for the first time in nearly 20 years! Well... since then, I have had a baby, and by my own design, gained all my weight back. I weigh nearly 290, and am miserable. I have battled my weight since I was 16 (yes, that's 24 YEARS of weight struggles). I have counted points, done liquid diets, grapefruit diets... you name it, I have tried it. I'm not sharing this so people feel bad for me. I am sharing because for the first time in my entire life, I want to be completely open and honest. This blog may be something public others can read, but it's really, for me, a journal of this journey I am beginning today. I have 140 pounds to lose- that is more that an average teen-age girl weighs. I carry around the weight of an entire extra person, every day, 24 hours a day 7 days a week. My body is tired. I love the outdoors. I love to hike, camp, do photography, and be in nature. Right now, with the amount of pain my body is in, I can't do any of those things. What's worse, I feel in so many ways, like a failure as a mother. I can't share the things I love with my son... It's difficult enough for me to walk around the house and clean up or cook a dinner- by the end of the day, I can only sit. Sitting is fine- I love to read to him- but right now I want to give him so much more! Growing up, I was taught when you are serving others, you are serving God. It sounds strange, but I got so good at serving neighbors or friends that I forgot that I am a person too. I have winderful ideas, but never follow through. I have difficulty doing something for myself, not taking into account that I am a child of God just as much as anyone else I know. I know how to lose weight. I've done it. I have enlisted the help of a friend to help me be acountable for my choices. I am working with a massage therapist, doctor, physical therapist, life coach, therapist, and nutritional counselor. For the first time in my life, I am doing this for me. I am losing weight because I want to feel better. It's not about "what will my husband think when he gets off the plane?" or expectations of others for me to "be healthier" or "be thinner" this is about me, doing what is best for me. I like me. As I travel this path, I hope to get to know me even better. I think I am a pretty good person- I try to do good everywhere I go. I volunteer in the community, go to church, play with children, and try to be positive in all I do. Now it's my turn. I want love me. This is the beginning of a path- where I am not sure where it will end. There will be twists and turns- dark sections and ah-ha moments, I am sure. I want a record of everything. Tonight as I write, I am honestly feeling numb and nervous. This is me, this afternoon. I want to see the difference as I journey. Here begins the journey of a lifetime!