Reflections

For the past 2 weeks, I have done a lot of reflecting on my life. My homework assignments have been to do things such as self-portraits (photography) and also an autobiography. It's interesting when you are asked to get up in front of classmates (mostly considered strangers) and share things about yourself. What do you say, how much do you tell people, what do you want to share, and what do you not want to share. But then again... if you don't share certain things, are you being honest about who you are? In all this reflecting, I have come to understand many things.

One important thing I have really taken to heart (thanks to a dear friend who let me cry on their shoulder last night) is that we truly do teach people how to treat us.

People who know me well will tell you I am a very loving, giving person. As a matter of fact, I will give until my "giving account" in my heart is empty. I also have always done my best to keep the peace among the company I am keeping. It has cost me a lot personally and emotionally, especially in my family. I want to share.

At the Tanksgiving table, I asked an innocent question. It was not meant as an insult or a jab at anyone- just a simple question. A member of my family took it as a personal insult, and World War III broke out over it. This family member (full grown adult) threw a temper tantrum that lasted for the next hour. I understand that I cannot control how someone will react to what I say. However, another family member told me I was in "denial" that I had done anything wrong. Zane and I have talked about it... and how can asking a question be wrong? Do I have to guard everything I say around my family? How is it MY fault how someone reacts to what I say... isn't every person accountable for their own emotions and reactions?

As I sat at the table alone- my parents taking care of the tantruming family member, and my husband in the other room for a moment, I realized that for my entire life, I have allowed my parents to blame me for how this other family member acts or reacts to something. If we teach others how to treat us, this is a very true statement. I will no longer take responsibility, nor will I allow my parents to try to place that responsibility on my shoulders. I have had enough of the blame game. I also hope and pray there comes a day when my parents can see and understand what they have done for so long. Each person is accountable for themselves. If I stood before God today and had to report to Him about what happened at that table, I would be able to honestly say "I have no idea. I asked an innocent question and someone else was offended by it, choosing to cause anger and hatred among family members, for which I was blamed."

I know there will be fall-out from what I am writing on my blog (for which I am not responsible). I also know I am writing from my heart, and I am writing truth. I will live in truth- I will no longer feel guilty or take the blame for someone else's emotional instability. I am who I am. I am a daughter of God and He loves me. He has given me a heart, a mind of my own and a life to live in the manner I see proper. I choose to live life in truth. I know God knows my heart. He understands and knows me better than any person on this earth. I am grateful to understand who I am, to know the strength I have and the opportunity to stand as a solid witness of God in my life. I am greateful to friends who love me and know my heart well. I count you as great blessings in my life- gifts sent from my Father in Heaven.

This week I am starting a new adventure. I am sure I will write about it soon- just not today. I am really looking forward to moving on to this new stage of my life!!!