Out with the Old...

Just as many people must be doing this evening, I am reflecting on this past year. Did I accomplish my goals? Have I become a better person? Have others been blessed because I am a part of their life? Have I done anything to change the world for the better?

I did accomplish many goals. I did set some goals I didn't accomplish... and one realization brought me to tears today, thinking about how poorly I have done recently at trying to achieve a specific goal. Tomorrow is always a new day: I will wake up and start again.

Have I become a better person? I believe I have. I know I have shortcomings - but I also have come to realize many of my strengths. Have others been blessed because I am a part of their life? I have many close friendships that have grown closer in the past year. Some friends have become so dear to me I consider them family.

Have I done anything to change the world for the better? That is a difficult question to answer. I have loved those who needed to be loved. I have shared my home. I have finished a race. I have made soap. I have begun serving a mission. I have been a visiting teacher. I have grown a garden and shared the produce. I have shared my photography, been a shoulder to cry on, visited friends in the hospital... Have I changed the world? Maybe not in a headline sort of way. I would like to believe that somewhere in the lives I have been blessed to be a part of, I have touched someone's heart. Changing a heart can change the world.

"The key to the ability to change is a changeless sense of who you are, what you are about, and what you value." Stephen R. Covey

My life is my own. I choose to be who I am - and no one else can make that decision for me. Some people may not like my decisions, but they are mine to make and mine to be accountable to the Lord for. I am grateful I have lived the life I have. I know it's not perfect, but it's mine. This year will bring so many changes... I look forward to being the best me I can be!!!

A New Entry...

Many of you will notice that a blog entry has been deleted... not because of what I wrote was untrue, but because my dad asked me to re-consider how others might feel about what I had written.

I have decided I am tired of all the hateful comments that are being made about me- on my own blog. Please, if you don't like what I put on my blog... don't read it. Or if you do, have the courtesey not to say hateful things. I don't do things out of hate or to cause hard feelings. That is not the kind of person I am. I write things that are true... and I write how it is for me.

I have especially felt under attack from Cambrey lately... and yes, I am going to write about it here on my blog. Yes, I called DCFS, and I know you have known that. I did it out of concern for Hayden, and as a law abiding citizen. I have taken the courses required to be a foster mother, and I am fully aware of what constitutes endangering a child. At the time I called, I felt your son was not safe. I am not the only one. Since then, you have threatened me with "legal injunctions" trying to force me to remove pictures of him from my blog. Not once have you asked politely. Not once have you ever had the decency to talk to me about it - you have threatened me through text messenging. And no, I will not. Just because you feel hate toward me... does not mean that I do not love him. I feel sorry for you that you feel the world needs to revolve around your demands. In the past I have given in. On this point, I will not.

I was told "you are not allowed to be at the birth of my son". That broke my heart... and Zane and I went on vacation that week specifically to obey your wishes. I will never again miss a part of your son's life because of your selfishness. I will be there, and I will have my camera as always. Pictures of him will continue to be part of my blog.

I don't understand all the chaos you feel necessary to have in your life, but I do not appreciate how you drag other people in to it. I am no longer a stranger sitting on the sideline wishing I was a member of the family. I am the oldest sibling. I have known for years that my opinion really didn't matter... so I chose not to voice it. Now I choose to say what I am thinking, and it sometimes ends up in a fight because my opinion doesn't always conform with what others "think is right". A quote I read once said "When you believe something you assume you are right, and you may even destroy relationships to defend your position." Plenty of relationships in this family have been destroyed. Some have never been allowed to form. I have a responsibility to be an example. I will live in the way I feel is best. Accept it or not.

So blessed!

Today, Zane and I attended 2 more family Christmas parties... the last 2 of the year. We have been so greatly blessed to have spent so much time with our family and friens this year. Christmas Eve alone, we went to three different gatherings! We are greatly blessed with wonderful friends. Thank you for being such an important part of our lives.

I am sad for those who do not have the kind of friends I do... someone to talk to when lonely, go out and have fun with - someone who will be there no matter the situation in life. I know there are many poeple who live a bitter and clsoed off life - by the choices they make - and I feel sad for them. However, I understand that they are choosing to remain miserable. I wish for them to find within themselves to find happiness.

I loved the Christmas party tonight... watch out Aunt Jo- you took my favorite gift tonight! ;) We always have white elephant gifts, and she took the gift I was most excited to have! I did come home with some really yummy hot cocoa and an amaryliss bulb though, so all is well!! I loved getting to know you better David... and Nicole, sorry about Zane's relentless teasing. Maybe next year will be a little better? Jayla, really, where was your earring after all that looking?! Did we really have to have death by chocolate cake? Karley... you didn't pop after all! I had a great night! I am grateful to have such a wonderful family!

A New Earth - book club

Recently, I have become a member of a book club. We are reading "A NewEarth" by Eckhart Tolle. Each week we gather and discuss a chapter, and the things that have made an impact in our lives. There are so many things that have really hit home for me. I have been reading and getting ready for next week's discussion - we are supposed to bring one or two things that really stand out in our minds.

As we just celebrated Christmas, something really touched me. We run from here to there gathering, buying, celebrating with each other. How many people did you see that were unhappy? Honestly, I saw a few... but not as many as usual. Eckhart says "Unhappiness or negativity is a disease on our planet." How true is that! I know so many people that all they seem to be able to do is live their live complaining... it's almost as if they don't have any other language. Why is that? It's like a small child throwing a temper tantrum... they learn at a young age they can mainpulate others -"the more unhappy I become, the more likely I am to get what I want." Does that really work as an adult? How many adults do you know that believe it does? From my life experience, it doesn't. It simply makes you more miserable.

When my husband was deployed, I could sit around and feel sorry for myself and all my problems - or I could stand up and take charge. When I weighed nearly 300 pounds, I could give up and pity myself, get surgey and complain about being fat... or I could eat right, get myself to the gym, and un-do what I did to myself. When I was wrongly accused of harming a foster child placed in my home, I could go in to a huge rage and depression, or I could stand up and do what I know is right, clearing my name of all accusations. When I am falsely accused of being a bad person, I could let it affect me... or I can choose to do what I know is right, stand up for those who are in need of my love, and continue to live my life as I know is best.

I know that God loves me. There are challenges I have been blessed with, trials that may seem insurmountable - but I know that the Lord will not give me any challenge I cannot overcome. I am so blessed to have a husband to whom I am married in the temple. I know we will be married for eternity. I am grateful we choose to work together and honor the covenants we have made. I am grateful to not have chaos in my relationship with him, as many people do in their relationships.

On page 65 of his book, Eckhart Tolle says, "There are many people who are always waiting for the next thing to react against, to feel annoyed or disturbrd about - and it never takes long before they find it. They are addicted to upset and anger as others are to a drug." I am sure almost everyone in the world knows someone like this. "Depression, breakdowns, and overreactions are common when unhappiness is covered up behind a smiling exterior and brilliant white teeth, when there is denial, sometimes even to one's self, that there is much unhappiness." (page 95) Why choose to be unhappy? I choose happiness and peace in my life.

So what have I learned in all of this? Why am I writing a blog about it? My life is changing. The storms may rage around me- false accusations, lies or constant chaos. I choose to not let that affect me. Psalms 46:10 says "Be still and know that I am God." As the Christmas season is now coming to an end, and the chaos of life is starting up again with the new year, I choose to be still. I will follow my heart. I will do what is right for me in my own life, and not let any other person's chaos change what I do. I am a daughter of God who loves me and will bless my life as I follow what is right. I am grateful to know who I am, where I am going in life, and the direction to turn to find peace and stillness in my heart.

Christmas!

Christmas morning, we woke to nearly 8 inches of snow over night! I would say we definately celebrated a white Christmas this year!

We don't have our own children, so today we borrowed our niece and nephews... and a few friends... and had a wonderful Christmas! There is nothing that compares to the magic of a child on Christmas morning. We are so grateful to those who love us so much. I wanted to share a (VERY) few pictures out of the 750 or so that I took today!!!!

My brother's house ~

Waiting for the kids...

Under our very own Christmas tree!

Our best friends we "borrowed" for Christmas!

Grandma and grandpa's tree...

This is the first year she got to help make hootennanny pancakes ~ our long time family tradition!

The beautiful spread for our traditional Christmas breakfast!

At the end of the day, I think we all felt this way!!

Christmas Gifts

Today, I was given a tremendous gift. I want to explain a little before I arrive at that gift.

My enire life, I have felt like serving others is thew way for me to feel good about myself. I have neglected myself fo so many years, that it seemed normal to overlook my needs and simply give and give.

I felt like people liked me because I am a nice person. I tend to avoid conflicts, keep my opinions to myself, and observe. I have many friends... but most of them will tell you they don't know all that much about me. I have spent years getting to know others likes and dislikes... that I have hardly paid any attention to my own, to be honest. I have lived a very "safe" life.

Today I went to a friend's home to take a family portrait of he and his family for Christmas. I almost felt like I was intruding there... so I wanted to get in, take the pictures and leave. He, however, had a different plan. After the pictures, he invited Zane and I to stay for their family Christmas Eve dinner. At first I was a little uncomfortable - but we stayed. And then, they asked us to stay for their family tradition of acting out the birth of the Savior. Members of the family dress as "characters" and re-inact the traveling to Bethlehem, etc. It was beautiful!

Afterwords, my friend other members of his family who have been to Jerusalem took turns telling the children how they had felt when the visited the spot they believe the Savior had been born. Some talked of the tomb where He was buried, and others spoke of the Hill where He was crucified. There was such a peaceful feeling there. It was one of the best Christmas gifts I have ever received - the reminder of why we celebrate Christmas in the first place, and to feel of he Savior's love. It was amazing!

The second gift I received was this: I realized that people genuinely liked me for who I am. 4 different people, today alone, told me how much they appreciate my friendship. I realized, for the first time ever, that I really am a good person, and I don't have to live up to any expectations, real or imagined, that anyone has. I am enough just being me. What better gifts could I have received this Christmas Eve?!

Truth?

I cannot fathom living in a world where it is acceptable to lie.

Someone who I implicitly trusted outright lied to me today. Part of the dilemma for me is that this lie actually puts her in jepardy.Finding out the truth to the situation nearly a half hour later, it physically hurt my heart. I understand she is young, but I still could not believe that such a close friend would betray my trust. I know this situation has nothing to do with me as a person... but it does have to do with my trust. In some ways, I wonder if I am too trusting. Should I have trusted this friend as much as I have? Should I trust all my other good friends as much as I do? How do I know?

What would you do? Of course, this situation will be resolved. I know that. I will sit down with this friend... who I love with all my heart... and talk to her. But how do I know they can be trusted again? OR... do I just completely open myself up for future possible disappointments? Any suggestions?

"You want to make your own decisions, but you ought to make those decisions with an eternal perspective. With age, experience, and faith, you will have the wisdom to make good decisions and also to make the right ones. I believe you young people know where to get the right answers." - James E. Faust

"Presumption of trust is not trust. It's blind hope. Trust is based on knowledge not presumption. Without knowledge you cannot have trust you can only have risk. You have no knowledge to base your trust when you presume. That is not trust, it is a gamble. Are you looking for a reason to trust, or not to trust?" -Unknown

My heart is torn, as you can tell!

Family Christmas party!

There is nothing better than getting together with family and friends at Christmas. Tonight, we had the family party on my dad's side... a huge tradition. After we eat together, we all gather around the piano and sing Christmas carols.

My grandpa taught me to play the piano. It is always a special thing to me to be able to play while everyone else sings. Usually, Uncle Roger directs the music, and tonight was no exception. We have a very musically gifted family, and it is always fun to me to hear everyone singing - always in 4 part harmony. I think if I stopped playing we could even do it acapella! I just want to put 1 or 2 pictures up... as a reminder (maybe to myself) that we may not be able to pick and choose our family, but our lives can be greatly enriched as we learn the things the Lord would have us learn from them. We can also make family members in to our friends (Whitney, Maria, Tori, Laikin, Andrea, Elaine, Karen, Jen, Josh, Blair... should I just name everyone?!) that can also help us learn many great lessons throughout our lives. I am so grateful for my family, and the marvelous relationship we have. I wish everyone in the world were so blessed!

P.S. If you are ever at the family party, watch for the dish that Jana brings. It always wins "first place" on the taste prize (Not that we really have one, but everyone loves it!)

Also. NO ONE can make cheesy potatoes like my mom!

Nutcracker Ballet

Whether you have ever seen the ballet or not, I know the music to "The Nutcracker" is familiar to almost everyone - whether the music is heard at Christmas or on cartoons, I know at some point in our lives we have heard the lively music of Peter Tchaicovsky - the "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" or the "Battle of the Toy Soldiers" there is some part of the music that has reached our ears.

My favorite Tarryn had the opportunity to dance in the Nutcracker this year, as part of the Mountain West Ballet. She is nearly 10, and has taken less that one year of ballet. She was a bon bon... for anyone who has seen the ballet and can't remember what that is, she was one of the children hiding under the huge skirt of a lady. She was actually one of the "main" bon bons, because she was one of the ones that lifted the skirt and let the others out. SHE WAS AMAZING! Because of copywright, we weren't allowed to take pictures during the performance... and we also weren't allowed to see her in her costume... but here are a couple pictures I took after the show.

As a tradition, we always go out to ice cream as a family after a performance. I can't really imagine why, but Uncle Zane didn't want to share his ice cream with my favorite bon bon!

Sweet 16!

Tonight we had a sweet 16 surprise party at our house. What could be any more fun than that?! I know a picture is worth a thousand words... so I will let these pictures speak for themselves!


What's a sweet 16 without candy? "I have never..."
"Spoons"
Dare you to sing a song! David Cook- too bad she's unhappy about the gift!

"Dark Knight"

Great friends are the best!

We sorta forgot to get candles... improvisation!

I want this sweetheart to know how much I love her. She has brought such joy into my life. I love her laugh, her fun personality, and her sensitivity. If I ever have the opportunity to be a mother, I hope I have a daughter just like her!

Piano Recital!

Monday night I went to my niece's first piano recital. She played "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and did such an awesome job. I am so proud of her! I know she practiced a lot - and it was awesome to watch her perform. I am sure there will be more performances this weekend... as she is in the Nutcracker and I get to go see her Saturday afternoon!!

Bikram Yoga

Ever imagined doing yoga, is a sauna? For the next month, I have an unlimited pass to try Bikram yoga... and today was my first day! I was pretty impressed, actually, at my strength. I wasn't sure I would be able to stay in the room the whole time, but I did! There were 26 poses that were practiced, and I was able to try 24 of them. At one point, I got so hot I had to lay down and rest- but I did well! I was happy!!!

What a great philosophy!

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read straight through -- you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do? The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are not second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners. Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier? The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care. 'Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. ' (Charles Schultz)

WOW!

I am on an email list from Carol Tuttle... author of "Remembering Wholeness". Tonight there were 2 quotes she sent that really touched my heart: (I love her book, by the way!)

Remember your life is a mirror. What you feel about others is really what you feel about yourself, otherwise you would not be able to feel it.

and

Remember, feeling your feelings is the most powerful gift you can give yourself. Just notice what you are feeling and feel it full out.

What kind of friend are you?

I have been thinking.

What kind of friend am I? How do I show others I care about them? With some friends, I am one way, and with others another. Why is that? Some friends I can be bold with, share the truth as it is - and know that no matter what, they will still be my friend. Others, I simply strive to keep the peace... and in doing so I have allowed my opinions and feelings not not count. (Is that really a friendship?)

A friend recently shared a quote with me: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter!"

Sometimes with friends, we have a falling out. Eckhart Tolle wrote in his book The New Earth "Whenever you are upset about an event, a person, or a situation, the real cause is not the event, person, or situation, but a loss of true perspective." How profound!


So who am I, really? A poem I wrote for a friend a while ago:

A true friend is someone who loves us for who we are -
Not that they can't see our faults,
But they refuse to define us by them.
A friend helps our heart feel happy
In moments of sadness-
Like spring warming the winter away.
True friends are eternal...
Tides may ebb and flow -
Yet a friend is strong and stays the course.
When sunshine drives storm clouds from the sky,
A friend will be there with a smile and say
"I knew this day would come."
Loyal, true, caring, sensitive, giving,
Gentle, teaching, funny, comforting...
Qualities searched for in a friend...
The qualities I found in you.

Just something to think about - the qualities I seek in a friend are qualities I should seek to instill in my own life. That way, I will always have a best friend! =)

Christmas Traditions

It is hard to believe that 24 years ago a Christams tradition began for me - and that I am actually old enought to remember it!

1984 is the year my family moved to the Worcester Massachusetts area, and I met Dick and Nelia Hopkins. The Hopkins family is one of the most musically gifted family I have ever met. Their tradition in our ward was to perform Handel's Messiah annually at Christmas. Not just the extremely well known "Hallelujah" ckorus, but many other choruses and solos. It was an amazing experience to learn such inspired music! To me Christmas simply is not Christmas without either singing in or attending a performance.

This past Sunday, Zane and I were blessed with the awesome opportunity to attend a performance of the Messiah - directed by Dick Hopkins! He and Nelia have moved to Utah - and we have been fortunate to be able to keep in touch. Clay Christiansen, the Tabernacle Organist, accompanied the choir along with a fabulous chamber orchestra. It was astounding!

We are hoping to attend another performance before Christmas. I hope we can find a sing along!

Just a silly little side note- my favorite number is 107. You may wonder why, and here is the story. The "Hallelujah" chorus is on page 107 in some additions of the Messiah score. My freind Jessica and I really wanted to sing it one day at a rehersal, so we sat and chanted under our breath "107, 107..." and that is the next song we sang. The things you remember!