A little bit crazy...

So, it has been a couple days since I did something totally randon and crazy, but I wanted to share. Last Saturday there was an "open cast" call for Extreme Makeover Weight Loss edition here in Salt Lake City. My sister and I went. It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO nerve-wracking to do it, and now we have to wait and see if they like us, what the response will be, and if we get to be on the next season... This will be interesting! I certainly already have the goal and the drive to lose the weight, and I am CERTAIN I would be able to do it with the training and all the help... but in front of a national audience... ?



Here is the outfit I wore... I actually went shopping and bought cute new clothes. I haven't done that for a while! Sit back, hurry up and wait to see where this all goes!!!

A new angle

Have you ever put someone else's glasses? Or a pair of sunglasses? Things look different through different types of lenses. Sometimes, things get out of focus, clearer, or even appear a different color. This has been my life experience. I have been thinking about writing this post for about 2 weeks now, but it is so personal, I have been afraid to. Why afraid? Well, this hits me to the very core of who I am, and in all honesty, it is embarrasing to admit. I want to get it written down and off my chest though, so here goes...

We see life through our own experiences, our own "lenses". As we live through these experiences, we create beliefs about ourselves. My "experience lenses" as far back as about 10 years old have told me something that was untrue, but I chose to see it as truth. The belief I created was "I am not worthy to be loved. No one likes me." If you know me that may sounds strange, but think about this: as your friend, does it seem like I am always giving something to someone? Doing something for someone- maybe even you? I have believed I had to "earn" friends, and the best way to do that is serving, giving, sharing. Not bad attributes to have, honestly, but exhausting to someone who feels that is the only way they will have friends!

For 7 years, I have gone to dinner with a military wife group. I was invited by one of the cute ladies when Zane left for Afghanistan, and we have continued our gatherings since then. Most of their husbands have made the military their career- captains, lieutenants, etc. Zane has tried, but has been "stuck" as a sergeant since I have known them. It's been interesting to hear about their experiences, but every time we have gone out, I have been the quiet one, not sharing but listening to the group. I talk when I felt I could add, but haven't usually said much. I felt I was invited because these amazing women felt sorry for me. It didn't occur to me until just 2 days before our last gathering (2 weeks ago...) that these women ACTUALLY LIKE ME. Why would they? I didn't even like myself.

So... people have asked me how the weight loss is going. My scale has stayed the same. HOWEVER, I rode my bike a couple days ago, my clothes fit differently, my feet and back hurt less. This isn't a journey about seeing the numbers get smaller, necessarily, but of feeling better. I am feeling better! I know the numbers on the scale will follow eventually.

And on a personal note, I am seeing my friends in a new light. I used to say "those who can see my heart will be my friends" and "those who can't see past all the fat aren't worth having as friends". There are some friends I have believed have stayed around because I do things for them... but I have come to the realization that there are people out there who genuinely just like me. I don't think even I have liked me- so looking through those lenses, that is what I was seeing. How sad. My life could have been so different. When I needed help, I didn't feel I could reach out to anyone- because I was afraid they wouldn't like me. I spent a lot of time alone when I could have actually had friends to help... things are different now.

It starts with me changing perspective. "The angle at which you approach something is exactly how you see it." That's a quote that came to me a few years ago as I was struggling through some depression. I was alone, looking through the lens of my camera and was inspired to try a different angle. The picture turned out amazingly, and I am going to take this lesson to heart.

New agnle. New belief. New me.

I am perfect.

Almost 4 years ago, I walked over the finish line of a half marathon. I may not have RAN the half, but I completed it! I have hiked Angel's Landing in Zion National Park, and done many amazing things. Right now, the shape my body is in, I can barely get things done around my house on a daily basis. I have been quite discouraged. Physical pain is something brought on by my excessive weight, and that pain prevents me from being as fully active as I would like.

I started thinking about things. I have done incredible things in the past- and those things- hiking, running, gardening, etc, are all still a part of who I am. Physically, my body is in a difficult place, but I have the memories of fabulous experiences, and the hope for more to come!

Who am I? I am litterally a daughter of God. I started thinking yesterday about how I talk to myself... "That was dumb" or "Ya right, you can't do that" or "Whatever, just stop trying, you're never going to make it" seem to be common themes. WHY? Why let myself be down on myself? If I had a friend trying to accomplish the things I am, I would NEVER talk to them that way- I would be there for encouragement & strength, be their personal cheerleader!

God loves me. What would HE be telling me through all this? I have decided to look at myself through God's eyes. He must love me, and trust me- otherwise He would have never allowed me to come to earth and experience the things I am. He has faith in me to accomplish the things I need to- and help others along my journey.

I may not be able to hike 50 miles today (I would LOVE to some day...). I may not be able to run a mile. Honestly, I don't think walking a mile would be a good idea, it would put me out of comission for the rest of the day. So what can I do? I can love my son, make dinner for my husband, wash a load of laundry... and maybe even run the dishwasher. When I got out of be this morning, my body was in such pain, I just wanted to cry, roll over, and go back to sleep... and for me, the things listed above are extremely optimistic.

Where I am is perfect for me. Every day, I make progress. It may be slow. It may not seem measureable by others... and may not seem at all like I am accomplishing anything... but I am! I walked for 1 hour in the pool for exercise this morning, had a good time with my son, an now am going to get going for more daily activity.

I am what I am. I am who I am. I am doing all I can to be me. I am worth taking care of, and that is what I am doing- one day at a time, one step at a time. That's all I can do!



1 month ago today with my favorite Walty!

Just breathe and believe.

I don't know how this is possible, but if it can be done, apparently I have the capacity to do it. In my sleep last night, I pulled my collar bone out of place. Grimacing & driving through tearing eyes, I got to my chiropractor who helped me. I was back in his office a mere 3 hours later after having had my mom pick me upt and take me... and then 2 hours after that, in the office of my massage therapist. (I talked a little with my physical therapist too, as he was on the way out the door.) Anyway, this is not a boo-hoo cry for me blog entry tonight. This is a "What just happened?!" entry.

After I left the chiropractor's office, my son asked for chicken nuggets. It seemed like a really easy out (super healthy, I know...). We stopped & bought chicken stars, and I ordered myself a burger. As I sat waiting for my food I thought WHAT?! WAIT, WHY AM I HERE?! And then I paid the sum and drove off to the parking lot to arrange frenchfries and chicken nuggets for a 2 year old.

WHAT am I feeding my kid?! I have a son who will eat broccoli, almonds and apples... and I am feeding him chicken nuggets? Old habits die hard- but I also wasn't prepared. Tomorrow morning I am creating snack packs of nuts and raisins in the car (better than fries, anyway) so I am not tempted to drive through!

As for me, well, the day is over and the sun rises in the morning.

I believe there is a part of me fighting against me to try to not lose weight. (If that makes sense?) My sub-conscious is being not so subtle about its attempts to discourage me, to try to stay "comfortable" where I am and not stretch myself. Being passive-aggressive wasn't working, so it moved on to a not so subtle "I'm gonna make you hurt" maneuver. Shoulder & arm hurtnig or not, I am taking a step forward tomorrow.

Breathe. Believe.

Light

And now it's day 3. It's funny. I thought I would crave sugar or sweets, but I really don't. Once I made up my mind, it seems like my body has just followed right along. I am getting REALLY bad headaches though... probably because I am used to eating not very healthy things, and now that I am eating healthy my body is getting accustomed to it still? I am drinking TONS of water, and that usually seems to help, but I am also extremely tired- like my body needs me to rest so it can repair the damage I have done to it for so long now.



I have been thinking. In Matthew 5:15-16, it says... "Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." I always thought that meant don't hide your talents... like playing the piano, singing, acting, etc. I thought I was doing a pretty good job at sharing my talents with others- I love to play piano, sing, share, serve... what else could this mean? Well, what is a bushel? for fruit, it's a basket that you fill to carry it. To hide something under that bushel would mean to simply put that basket on top so others can't see what is underneath- to put a candle under a basket so the light is hidden. I have my own personal bushel. It's my weight.

For YEARS, I have struggled with my weight, and along with that, my self-esteem. I have said "If anyone is a true friend, they will see past the weight to my heart and get to know me. I do have true friends who have done just that. I have hidden who I truly am under layers and layers of who I am not. Because of hiding by becoming who I am not... I have become who I am not. My light is so hidden, even to myself, that sometimes when I see a glimmer, I think "Wow, I am amazing."

I have heard this quote before, but it never really hit home until this week. I thought I would put it along with one of the pictures I took. This picture is very significant to me- it's a sunrise on a day I was struggling with one of the biggest emotional struggles of my life. It seems appropriate.






The journey has begun. I am ready. Many more sunrises and sunsets will come and go... but in the meantime, I will be finding myself again, and that is all that matters.

The naked truth

Wow, has it been a long time. Over 2 years. Today, this post is a little scary. Just a few weeks ago, I was realizing I had turned 40 last November, and I was thinking about what I have made of my life. Am I where I thought I would be? Do I have the friends I thought I would have? Am I doing the things I love to do? Am I happy? The answer to those questions, for the most part, is no. But why? I have lived with a belief that I needed to be what others wanted me to be- in order to be a good person. With one friend I am a certain way, with another friend, another way- not causing waves, stating my opinion (I didn't believe it mattered) or sharing what was important to me. If you know me personally, think about it... what is it I like to do? (Usually whatever it is YOU like to do!) One particular friend finally noticed when she shares her opinions I say "I never thought of it that way..." I don't have to agree or disagree with her. Who does that make me? Is that who I want to be? Not really. I want to matter. I want my opinions to be heard, interests shared, and to be the strong person I KNOW I am inside! 6 years ago, my husband came home from his deployment to Afghanistan. During the year he was gone I managed to drop 80 pounds. It was difficult, but so worth it!!! (You can google me, the article is online still, somewhere.) I weighed less than 200 pounds for the first time in nearly 20 years! Well... since then, I have had a baby, and by my own design, gained all my weight back. I weigh nearly 290, and am miserable. I have battled my weight since I was 16 (yes, that's 24 YEARS of weight struggles). I have counted points, done liquid diets, grapefruit diets... you name it, I have tried it. I'm not sharing this so people feel bad for me. I am sharing because for the first time in my entire life, I want to be completely open and honest. This blog may be something public others can read, but it's really, for me, a journal of this journey I am beginning today. I have 140 pounds to lose- that is more that an average teen-age girl weighs. I carry around the weight of an entire extra person, every day, 24 hours a day 7 days a week. My body is tired. I love the outdoors. I love to hike, camp, do photography, and be in nature. Right now, with the amount of pain my body is in, I can't do any of those things. What's worse, I feel in so many ways, like a failure as a mother. I can't share the things I love with my son... It's difficult enough for me to walk around the house and clean up or cook a dinner- by the end of the day, I can only sit. Sitting is fine- I love to read to him- but right now I want to give him so much more! Growing up, I was taught when you are serving others, you are serving God. It sounds strange, but I got so good at serving neighbors or friends that I forgot that I am a person too. I have winderful ideas, but never follow through. I have difficulty doing something for myself, not taking into account that I am a child of God just as much as anyone else I know. I know how to lose weight. I've done it. I have enlisted the help of a friend to help me be acountable for my choices. I am working with a massage therapist, doctor, physical therapist, life coach, therapist, and nutritional counselor. For the first time in my life, I am doing this for me. I am losing weight because I want to feel better. It's not about "what will my husband think when he gets off the plane?" or expectations of others for me to "be healthier" or "be thinner" this is about me, doing what is best for me. I like me. As I travel this path, I hope to get to know me even better. I think I am a pretty good person- I try to do good everywhere I go. I volunteer in the community, go to church, play with children, and try to be positive in all I do. Now it's my turn. I want love me. This is the beginning of a path- where I am not sure where it will end. There will be twists and turns- dark sections and ah-ha moments, I am sure. I want a record of everything. Tonight as I write, I am honestly feeling numb and nervous. This is me, this afternoon. I want to see the difference as I journey. Here begins the journey of a lifetime!