Tender Mercies

Twice a year, my church has a "General Conference" which is shown world wide via staelite. In April of 2005, David A. Bednar, one of the speakers for that conference spoke on the tender mercies of the Lord. He said, "... I believe I have come to better understand that the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ."

(Sunset near Zion National Park)

I know many people have been praying for Zane and I. I know our friends have all been sad and grieved with us over this lost opportunity to be parents. I know our family has also been very saddened by everything that has happened. There is no possible way to express in words the experience we have had.

(Duck Creek)

(Mirror Lake at Duck Creek)

As you know, we took some time as a couple to be together and take a short trip. It was wonderful.

(Bryce Canyon)

To me, there is nothing more healing than to be able to go to nature. The Lord truly has blessed our lives with tender mercies... through the peace we have felt in our home, the thoughts and warm feelings and love we have been expressed through our friends and family... in so many ways, our lives are being truly blessed.

Our hearts have felt immense sorrow this week, this is true. Our hearts have also felt peace, comfort, and even joy. We may not know what is coming around the corner, but every new day brings the dawn of hope - as long as we choose it to be so.

We are well. There is peace in our home and in our hearts. We know the Lord is blessing us with many kind and tender mercies. We are truly grateful for the love that has been expressed, the prayers and thoughts on our behalf... thank you for your love.

Finding peace

Have you ever sat and wondered what it is you have to offer the world? Or why you are here? I will be honest, this has been a week full of reflections, tears of joy, tears of pain, little sleep, worry, hiking... and sitting and communing with God. Why me? Who hasn't asked that question at least once in their lifetime?

Last night, Zane and I sat on the side of the road in Snow Canyon State Park in St George UT- one of the places I go when I am seeking solace. The sky was filled with stars. It was a warm desert night, and there were crickets chirping... and all kinds of things happening around us. It was amazing to sit and listen and ponder. I could feel an amazing peace as I thought about my week, and all it has brought for me.

This week has been an emotional roller-coaster, there is just no other possible way to describe it. One day I am preparing to be a mother, and the next I find out "not this week". How do you begin to understand? How do you sort through those emotions, pick up the pieces and move forward? The answer... I truly do not know.

We know we have many friends and family members praying for Zane and I... for which we are truly grateful. Your prayers are sustaining us, thank you.

I know everything will be ok. I can't really define what "ok" means, because I really don't know, but I do know that everything will turn out ok. How do I know this? I know that through the love of my Savior, and His power to heal, my heart will be ok. He will bless us to be able to pick up the pieces of our lives and move forward- stronger and more full of faith. We have come to understand more fully the scripture "Come unto me all ye that labour an are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me, and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

This week, he has surely made our burden lighter, and we have found some rest along the way. our hearts still ache- but not as much has they did just a few short days ago. For that I am truly grateful.

I know we will continue being guided as we seek to know what we need to do with our lives. I am looking for a venue to begin selling my photography, and Zane is hoping to be accepted in to law school... these are two of our next steps. Goals are important- they will help us continue looking toward the future instead of reflecting on the past.

Thank you for all your love, support and prayers.

The Lord opens a window...

"The Sound of Music" is one of my favorite musicals. In it, there is a line... "When the Lord closes the door, somewhere he opens a window."

We got the word today that this birth mother is not going to place her child with us to adopt.

Does my heart ache? More than you can possibly imagine. I have wanted to be a mother more than anything in this world for as long as I can remember. Have I had the opportunity to look at myself, grow, and come to a deeper understanding of God's love? Absolutely. Does all that make it any easier for my hurting heart? Maybe.

Zane and I are going to take a short trip- to Zion National Park- my favorite place on earth!!! We will be leaving in the morning.

There are so many people who have been praying with us, and I also know you will be aching with us as well. When I am stronger emotionally, I will be able to talk about it. Right now, please respect that we are grieving the loss of a child. We need a little time to heal the hurting inside. Thank you for being so wonderful. We truly appreciate everything everyone has done for us!!

"When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window..." we have the hope to be able to adopt at a future date. We are now completely prepared!! What could be better? (It's always a good thing to look on the bright side... or so I am told.)

Please continue to pray for us. That will give us the strength to carry on!!

Hope

Since last Thursday, I haven't heard anything from our birth mother. She was supposed to be induced yesterday, but as of last Thursday, she told me that had been changed. I don't know what the new date is, and I haven't heard anything from her. As you can imagine, my emotions are everywhere.

There is another family she had been considering placing her baby with. I have been wondering about that family this week.

I am holding out hope. We have waited to be parents for over 12 years now, and it is so close. Our birth mom is an amazing woman, and I know she is going through a very difficult time. We are praying for her. Only she can make the dscision of who to place her baby with. Of course, as you can imagine, we hope it is us.

Hope, prayers and faith. What more can one do?

Today is an amazing day. I have a good friend who is making a very difficult decision, and I can say I can relate in a small way with the struggle, but not with the choices she is having to make. This a friend whom I love dearly. As I have become better friends with her over the past while, I have seen so many amazing qualities in her that I admire. I have come to see her more as a siser than a friend.

She is a strong woman who knows what it takes to do things on her own.... and she has done it. She is a single mother of amazing children- who have been guided and taught by her example and love. Her heart is good, and she always wants the very best for her family. Sometimes, that means a struggle in her heart between one choice and another. She has the amazing capacity to make friends, and is completely genuine. I am honored to call her friend.

If she reads what I write here (which I really don't know if she will or not) I want her to know I love her dearly. Her decision is a difficult one, and I know her heart is struggling. I wish there was something I could do to help lift that burden. I am praying for her - so she will be able to know the best decision to make. Only she can know what is the right choice for her is. I don't want to make that decision for her... it's not my place. I don't want to make her feel that I am trying to influence her, either.

Wonderful friend, follow your heart. Ask God for guidance. Listen, in those quiet moments, to the answers you feel inside your heart. I will always be here, a phone call away, willing to listen. I know you will make the right decision. I love you with all my heart!