Britter's blog

The priorities of life!

2011-01-24T01:56:00.003-07:00

It has been many months now, since I have sat down to share my thoughts. I have realized life has priorities- other than sharing my innermost thoughts with the world. Those priorities include snuggling, holding, kissing, feeding, bathing, loving... and so many wonderful other things! It's hard to believe that our little boy is 5 1/2 months old now- and growing so quickly! He can roll over (now and then... it's not an all the time event yet) and almost sit up. (He tends to tip to one side or the other.) But he can also smile- a smile that can light up any room! He loves to sing, and especally loves to play with his daddy. He has a few cousins nearby, and he certainly loves the time he gets to spend with them- they can make him laugh like no one else can!!

It seems as if life has come to a stand still for me, and I don't want to miss a single moment. I constantly want to take pictures- but I want him to recognize his mommy's face... not a camera!

the more I have thought about it, the more certain I am. I know God hears and answers prayers. He knows us individually. The answers we receive may not be what we are looking or hoping for... but are truly the things God knows we need. My philosophy this week has suddenly become "Life happens. If it doesn't kill me, it will make me stronger."

I heard once "God won't gove you trials you can't handle." I have to disagree with that statement. I believe "God won't give you trials you can't handle without His help." And to share a quote from a wonderful man, Art Berg: "Some miracles just take time. The impossible just takes a little longer."

And daily I take baby steps forward as a mother...

Our miracle!

2010-10-14T04:19:00.002-06:00

2 months ago today, our little Walter was born. I have wanted to write something profound to share- and have discovered that in waiting for "profoundness" to come, little moments have slipped away in to the night.

We are so very truly blessed to have been given the miracle of having our son, Walter Russell. Our lives have been forever changed! He is an amazing soul who brings peace and love with him frmo his Heavenly Father, and shares it with all those around him. As his 3 year old cousin constantly reminds us "He's so cute. Look at those tiny fingers..."

I am so grateful to know I have a Father in Heaven. There are struggles being a new mom, and I am so grateful to know I can go to my knees asking for his help. I have so many friends & family who have become like guardian angels for me- I know I don't say 'thank you' often enough for all you do.

I pray I can be the kind of mom this young man needs me to be!

WOW!

2010-08-04T04:07:00.002-06:00

I took a parenting class once, and the teacher taught that sometimes the only word to describe something is... wow. You can say in in sooooo many tones- to imply surprise, disdain, happiness, compassion... one little word, so many meanings!

I find myself saying wow a lot recently. This is a good wow... just wow. After struggling with so much emotion for so man years of not being a mother, there are times my heart is so full that my eyes just can't stop leaking! I have tried to express it in words in my personal journal, and in my blog, and talking to friends... but quite frankly, there are no words to express the feeling.

I feel my Heavenly Father so close to me. I am constantly protected and watched over. I have been very blessed with an amazing pregnancy- and with amazing friends, doctors and others to bless this journey. It is overwhelming at times.

I can tell the time is coming soon when Walter will be born. We are naming our little boy Walter Russell- after 2 of his great-grandfathers... both amazing and honorable men. I pray we can raise him well, honoring his name sakes, instilling in him the importance of honesty, integrity, service, repsect, love of God, love of country, love of family, being trustworthy, giving, loyal... it all happens a day at a time I know- and they grow up so fast.

Just thinking about it all makes me say... WOW. (And my eyes are leaking again...)

July 17th already?

2010-07-17T10:11:00.002-06:00

It is so hard to believe that yesterday was my original due date... boy, how time flies. Because of measurements in ultrasound, the due date has been pushed back to August 16th- but that seems so close!

When you stop to think about it, there is so much to be done in preparing for a baby to come... washing clothes, preparing a place for him to sleep, cleaning the house... It seems as if I have DEFINATELY procrastinated long enough, and I have a lot of work ahead of me. Today is "Tackle the laundry and figure out where it all goes" day. I have never had to organize a little person before- they certainly need a lot of things! Diapers, wipes, clothes... it seems to be a mountain.

I know I can get it all done though- one minute of the day at a time.

I cannot begin to express the gratitude I feel toward my Heavenly Father. I know He is a God of miracles. Sometimes things happen in life that are difficult to experience, yet they teach us lessons that we would never have learned otherwise. I know He has watched over me throughout my life, in good times and in difficult ones, helping me along the way. I am grateful for every trial, every bump along the road, and every blessing I have been given. I am especially grateful to know, and to see, the love that my Heavenly Father has for each of His children.

Sleepless nights

2010-06-29T00:16:00.002-06:00

It's a little after midnight, and I am unable to sleep. I realize there will be a lot more of these nights coming up with a precious baby coming in to our home, and I wanted to share a few of the things I have been feeling recently.

It's been a very long time Zane and I have been trying to start our family. There have been heartaches and disappointmens not shared - yet others that have been all too painfully public for friends and family to live through with us.

Recently, someone shared a qupte by Neal A. Maxwell that says "Faith in God includes faith in His timing". How true that is.

Each child is a miracle. I know that our son, who has waited so patiently all these years to come, has come at a time when his mother's heart needed healing the most. I had lost my faith in the opportunity to become a mother, and he has already begun teaching me... by not letting me give up on something that has been so important to my heart for my entire life. As I am writing tonight, he is practicing his "kung fu" kicks- and I hope he understands, and is prepared, for the world he is coming in to. He is a strong little man, and I pray I can do my best as his mother.

My husband is amazing. Zane works so hard to support our family. Recently, not only has he been working (it seems) day and night at his current job, but he is in the process of starting a new one. On top of that, he has had added responsibilites around the house- since I struggle physically getting some things done. I hope he knows just how much I love and appreciate him. I know I don't say it enough, and I hope he truly knows how I feel.

There are times I feel so overwhelmed - in a good way - at the blessings the Lord is sending my way. I have often wondered "who am I" that He would look down and smile on me, giving me so many incredible joys, blessings and treasures. I feel His love often, and am so blessed to be able to see, feel and experience the miracles in my life. They are countless!

Relay for Life!

2010-05-28T10:41:00.005-06:00

A few of my friends are asking "What is the Relay for Life?" and I thought I would share a little about it. It's a fund-raiser for the American Cancer Society- a non-profit organization- to raise funds for cancer research.

There is a good chance you, or someone you know and love, has had their lives touched by cancer. Perhaps a grandparent, friend, parent, or a child fighting for their life as they battle breast cancer, leukemia, prostate cancer, brain cancer… More and more, we hear of the courageous efforts to survive. All too often we hear of battles lost by loved ones. This year alone I have lost an uncle as well as a friend to cancer.

In 1985, Dr. Gordy Klatt of Tacoma, WA, walked and ran around a track for 24 hours straight to raise money for the American Cancer Society. He ran for more than 83 miles. His friends, family, patients and co-workers donated $25 to run by his side for 30 minutes at a time raising over $20,000 to donate to the American Cancer Society for cancer research. This singular event has evolved to become a world-wide phenomenon, now known as the “Relay for Life”.

Each year, over 3.5 million people in 5,000 United States Cities, as well as 19 countries gather to walk or run a track for 24 hours. Efforts are made at each Relay to educate the community on cancer awareness, as well as to raise funds for cancer research. Lives of cancer survivors are celebrated, and lives of those who have lost the battle to cancer are commemorated. As communities gather, friendships are created that can last a lifetime.

Last year was the first year I was able to participate in a Relay, and it was an amazing experience! It is INCREDIBLE the feeling you have, gathered together for this event! Teams walk throughout the night. I see this as very symbolic- the sun setting, darkness falling, and hopes rising with the morning sun for a cure for cancer. I really look forward to the Relay this year- being held July 9th in Riverton.

If anyone is interested in knowing more, let me know. The bags you see lining the track are luminaria- they can be purchased in memory of someone who has lost their life to cancer, as well as in celebration for someone who has survived the fight. The goal is to line the entire track- to light the way for a cure.

2010-04-27T09:02:00.002-06:00

Wow, where does time go? 24 weeks along now in my pregnancy, I am beginning to realize jsut how precious time can be. Each day I find myself wondering "have I accomplished anything today?" and honestly, sometimes the answer is: "I really don't know." What does it mean to "accomplish" something anyway?

Does helping a friend count? Writing a special note? Resting for an entire day?

I find myself concerned about not having my home ready for when little Walter Russell is born. Is my home in order? Yard? Life? Sometimes it gets so overwhelming to me I just don't know where to begin. Things seem a little more difficult (physically) to accomplish. How do I weed my yard?! Today, I have a few simple goals: 1. Go grocery shopping. 2. Do a load of laundry. 3. Weed 1 small section of yard. 4. Enjoy my afternoon with my nephews and niece.

I have come to determine that in my life there is a definate priority. If I pull weeds- there will be more tomorrow, and the day after that... it's an ongoing task. Yes it's important, and I am doing it. Most important to me, though, is for the people in my life to know how much they mean to me, how much I love them.

We have been married 13 years, and are expecting our first special miracle. Throughout those years, my brother and his wife have had 5 beautiful children who have greatly blessed my life. Each minute I have spent with them throughout the years has filled a very empty place in my heart, and I truly enjoy it!

The thought for me today is: don't worry about the "TO-DO" list. It will still be there tomorrow. Do a few things on it, but choose what you make a priority. Today, my priority is people- to let them know of my love for them. Tomorrow? Now that's a different story...

Just thinking...

2010-04-01T08:26:00.002-06:00

Something suddenly struck me last night- the realization that next week is the 20th week of my pregnancy. It's funny how being pregnant, life just goes on as normal... I don't really stop and think about the life being created inside of me all that often.

Yesterday, I sat and help my 9 week old (WOW) nephew for a while. Has it really been that long? Time is going by so fast! How does one slow down time and have the opportunity to savor it more?

Sooner than we know it, our little boy will be born, and I know time will seem to just fly by as he grows. I know it's part of life, but we have waited so long, it's almost as if I want life to move in to a slow-motion pattern for me so I can really see and enjoy everything!

Just something I was thinking about recently...

An AMAZING update...

2010-03-21T17:29:00.002-06:00

Long overdue is this update on my blog!

Zane and I will have been married for 13 years this coming April. Since day one of our marriage, we have had the hopes and dreams of becoming parents. As many can imagine, it has been quite the emotional roller-coaster ride as we have hoped, dreamed and prayed... and even tried to adopt. We have even joked with ourselves that we are the "boring old couple in the neighborhood with a cat" and the "Kool-Aid house" where all the kids gather and play in the yard. We have had a great marriage - even though we have both felt that something is missing.

Tomorrow morning at 8:30, we will be going to LDS hospital for an ultrasound of our very first child. I am pregnant, after so many years of waiting!

I thought I would share a little about how we found out:

Last fall, after our adoption fell through, I went back to school- more to occupy my time and mind than aything, but I was also very interesed in studying photography and learning more. I jumped in, both feet first, full time. THAT was difficult! After finals in December, I felt like I had completely wiped myself out, and had no more energy to go back to school in January- so I didn't. By mid January, Zane was off at military school, and I was still feeling completely worn down and unable to do much of anything... so I finally went in to the Dr's office asking for help. (Usually I avoid that at ALL costs!) We tested all my hormones, talked about depression, and the nurse practitioner I was seeing said "We have to rule out pregnncy." I just laughed at her and said "That's fine, we both know the test will turn out negative" and off I went to take a test. We were both completely floored when it came back positive! The only way my nurse practitioner can explain it? "A complete and total miracle. There is no other explination."

With Zane gone, I dialed his number and handed the phone to the practitioner... I couldn't talk! He didn't answer. I called 8 more times... he was in class and in military school, you just can't get up and leave class to answer your phone. I called my parents, and my dad answered. By now, I was in one of the exam rooms (thankfully they are carpeted) laying on the floor, bawling. I told my dad I was pregnant and his response was "I don't think I heard you right, let me get your mom." After talking to my parents, I kept calling Zane... until FINALLY he answered. His response? "That's not something to joke about, that's not funny." Of all the people in the WORLD, wouldn't you think I would know that's not something to joke about?!

So THAT being said. How do we feel? I cannot begin to express in words how blessed we feel, how overwhelmed, how loved. I, personally, had given up hope of ever being a mother. I knew I would never allow myself to go through the heartache I did last fall EVER again, and wasn't sure my body was capable of becoming pregnant.

I know God lives, and that He is a God of miracles. We see miracles around us every day - even though we may not recognize them... the flowers, blue sky - the wind as it tussles our hair... each day is a miracle. I know we are the recipients of an incredible miracle. This baby is truly a gift of God. I pray we are the kind of parents the Lord would have us be to this little soul coming to earth. I pray I can be the mother he or she deserves.

Miracles. They happen every day. I am grateful to the Lord for letting me experience this miracle.

And the journey begins...

2010-01-07T20:25:00.002-07:00

How many people in this world have ever said "I need to lose weight"? How many have done so, and know what it takes? Who doesn't wish there was a magic pill that would just fix it all?!

To date, I have managed to lose 100 lbs. Admittedly, I have gained some of that weight back, but I am now on a losing journey again. This brings the whole school of thought- what is the best way to lose weight? HCG is popular, lap band, fad diets... which one has the magic? Here are my thoughts...

My body belongs to me. I only have one! I should be careful what I put in to it or do to it. There is a school of thought that says you shouldn't add hormones to your body. I have lived through an experience where I was trying to balance my already existing hormones, and it was miserable for me... why would I artificially add hormones as a means of weight loss? So then we come to the lap band. Did a little rubber band sit next to me all my life and feed the the wrong foods, forcing me to be sedentary so I would gain all my weight? For me, the answer there is simple also- surgery to put a rubber band inside me is not the answer to my dilemma. Fad diets? Done a lot of them... liquid diets, high protein... none are permanent.
So what works?

Eating right and hard work. I have done it before. Sometimes, as we know, we have habits that are difficult to overcome. I read a book once by Art Berg called "The Impossible Just Takes a Little Longer". One of my favorite quotes from him is "Some miracles just take time." How profound.

Is losing weight impossible? No. Do I need to take short cuts? No. Do I need assistance? Absolutely. Losing weight is a life altering event. It takes courage, strength, and sometimes a friend to satnd by and encourage you when you are feeling down. I have many friends who are there with me- and especially right now, I have my friend Emily. She is an amazing friend, mentor and guide. For the next 8 weeks, we will be working together on a life changing course. I am so grateful to her! So here it is... and the journey begins!

Another birthday!

2010-01-07T20:10:00.003-07:00

Can you believe this sweet princess is 11 years old? It it so hard to believe it was that many year ago I held her in my arms as a little new-born niece. T, do you think you sould stop growing up so fast?! It was fun to have her birthday dinner at grandma's and grandpa's. Our familt tradition is that for your birthday you get to choose the menu for everyone to enjoy. This week? Lasagne, mini corn dogs and steak. It was definately quite a sight to see! We also had an ice cream cake from "Maggie Moos". Wow, this aunt is getting old. At least I have the young kids around to help me remember what it's like to be young and have fun!!! I love you T!

Children's book illustrated!!!

2009-12-10T00:10:00.002-07:00

Many friends and family may not know this, but a few years ago I worte a children's book. It has been sitting in a closet waiting for me to have the courage to do something about finding an agent, get an illustrator... get my act together.

As part of my "Observational Drawing" class, we have a final project due... 8-10 'storyboard' sketches and a final pencil rendering... which takes hours. Let's just say, I already had the idea floating around, and this week I have finally done illustrations to put with it!! It is amazing, if I do say so myself, to see how much progress I have made this quarter, alone, in my drawing ability. I am really happy. When I get the opportunity, and the scanner is working properly, I will share a couple of my drawings. Of course, I won't give away the story... you'll have to wait until it gets published to read the whole thing!!! (I did draw a VERY realistic killer whale, if that helps at all?!)

Unashamed of the truth

2009-12-06T08:34:00.002-07:00

Again, I have had another week full of reflection. So many people have been asking me what's wrong. I have really been struggling, and I guess it's time to admit it. I know I have told a few close friends, but I want to open my heart to everyone.

It's the holiday season. I know the spiritual focus is on Christ and family... but the commercial focus is on children and presents and family.

Since our adoption fell through in September, my heart has been aching. I have been enjoying school and new friends... but nothing can replace the void I am feeling in my life. After twelve and a half years of being married, we were going to finally have a baby. I know time heals all things, it's just very difficult for me right now... especially seing all the young families.

To add to that, I want to be a little more open about Thanksgiving. I asked the question "What's missing from the stuffing?" and the reply was my sibling's bi-polar tyrade. (That's an actual diagnosis, not my opinion. You can ask that sibling if you know them, but I almost guarantee they will not tell you the truth about it.) My dad blamed me for the situation in the heat of the moment, and was angry that I would ask a question like that- to "poke" at that sibling. Truthfully, it was an honest question. There was something different than usual, and I was honestly wondering what it was.

Because of the reaction of said sibiling, my nephew reacted in a way that shows he has seen a lof of emotional distress. (I have been a foster parent of negledted/abused children, have taken many classes about how to recognize and help traumatized children.) My sibling and their spouse have had many fights, and their spouse in now on probation for domestic violence in front of a child with the
State of Utah. No child deserves to live is a situation where there is constant bickering and fighting.

In Utah, if you are aware of child abuse or neglect, and do not report it, you are breaking the law. (I am married to a police officer, I know these things. It's a misdemeanor, but still, it's the law.) For the second time, I called DCFS on my sibling. (I know they think I have called more than that, but I have not.) Every time the police have been called on them for domestic violence reports, I am pretty sure they have also called DCFS (That is the law, and the police can't igonre it). I pray someday someone will stand up and protect that little boy. He deserves a better life than the one he is living right now. Any child does.

So here I am. Finals time at school, Christmas, an empty home, a sibling who is emotionally affecting their child in a very negative way, (and pulling the family apart by their behavior on Thanksgiving). I am on sebatical from my family right now. I have told my parents I refuse to allow that sibling to abuse me any longer (since I am usually the target of their bi-polar hate and anger tyrades), and have stood up and walked away. I have also told them I do not approve of their enabling that sibling to treat the family the way they do. I no longer accept "that's just the way things are". Having a mental illness does not mean someone is not accountable for their behavior.

I know we must have opposition in all things- can we truly be happy if we never understand the sad? But I feel, sometimes, as if the whole world is crashing down on me. I guess today is one of those days. I am going to finish my school paper, go to sacrament meeting, then the National Guard with Zane- to help in the Family Readiness Group (FRG) this afternoon. Hopefully my heart will find some of the peace it is seeking!

Reflections

2009-11-28T07:42:00.002-07:00

For the past 2 weeks, I have done a lot of reflecting on my life. My homework assignments have been to do things such as self-portraits (photography) and also an autobiography. It's interesting when you are asked to get up in front of classmates (mostly considered strangers) and share things about yourself. What do you say, how much do you tell people, what do you want to share, and what do you not want to share. But then again... if you don't share certain things, are you being honest about who you are? In all this reflecting, I have come to understand many things.

One important thing I have really taken to heart (thanks to a dear friend who let me cry on their shoulder last night) is that we truly do teach people how to treat us.

People who know me well will tell you I am a very loving, giving person. As a matter of fact, I will give until my "giving account" in my heart is empty. I also have always done my best to keep the peace among the company I am keeping. It has cost me a lot personally and emotionally, especially in my family. I want to share.

At the Tanksgiving table, I asked an innocent question. It was not meant as an insult or a jab at anyone- just a simple question. A member of my family took it as a personal insult, and World War III broke out over it. This family member (full grown adult) threw a temper tantrum that lasted for the next hour. I understand that I cannot control how someone will react to what I say. However, another family member told me I was in "denial" that I had done anything wrong. Zane and I have talked about it... and how can asking a question be wrong? Do I have to guard everything I say around my family? How is it MY fault how someone reacts to what I say... isn't every person accountable for their own emotions and reactions?

As I sat at the table alone- my parents taking care of the tantruming family member, and my husband in the other room for a moment, I realized that for my entire life, I have allowed my parents to blame me for how this other family member acts or reacts to something. If we teach others how to treat us, this is a very true statement. I will no longer take responsibility, nor will I allow my parents to try to place that responsibility on my shoulders. I have had enough of the blame game. I also hope and pray there comes a day when my parents can see and understand what they have done for so long. Each person is accountable for themselves. If I stood before God today and had to report to Him about what happened at that table, I would be able to honestly say "I have no idea. I asked an innocent question and someone else was offended by it, choosing to cause anger and hatred among family members, for which I was blamed."

I know there will be fall-out from what I am writing on my blog (for which I am not responsible). I also know I am writing from my heart, and I am writing truth. I will live in truth- I will no longer feel guilty or take the blame for someone else's emotional instability. I am who I am. I am a daughter of God and He loves me. He has given me a heart, a mind of my own and a life to live in the manner I see proper. I choose to live life in truth. I know God knows my heart. He understands and knows me better than any person on this earth. I am grateful to understand who I am, to know the strength I have and the opportunity to stand as a solid witness of God in my life. I am greateful to friends who love me and know my heart well. I count you as great blessings in my life- gifts sent from my Father in Heaven.

This week I am starting a new adventure. I am sure I will write about it soon- just not today. I am really looking forward to moving on to this new stage of my life!!!

SCHOOL!!!

2009-11-03T20:57:00.005-07:00

Who would have thought that jumping in, both feet first,could be so much work?! I have 4 fabulous classes- and each of them is an immense amount of homework!! I love my photography class- I am finally getting the opportunity to learn Photoshop, and that is GREAT alongside a teacher who is a professional photographer. To top it off, he uses a Nikon camera... the same brand I prefer, and it's great to have him share his knowledge! I have taken some great pictures this week- our photo assignment was "portaits" of people with things that interest them. I thought I would share a couple of my favorites... so far!!! Ok... so maybe technology isn't my friend right now- I can't get blogger to post my pictures. Sad. I will try again later.

It's been amazing to learn the things I have been learning! I have met some great people, and am really enjoying doing what I am doing!!! I look forward to class every day- just not necessarily the homework. Most of the time I feel like the "old lady" in the class... but I am ok with that. There is so much homework... sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode ~ But I somehow manage to get it all done, every week. This is a good thing.

Well, break over. Time to start up the homework machine again- and hopefully get in bed early tonight!!!

Every day a new day

2009-10-18T13:27:00.002-06:00

I started school this week! It feels so good to be back in class, striving for a goal. My degree will be in digital photography- something I have alway loved- photography. For over 20 years, I have been behind the camera taking pictures. It's amazing to see the world through a camera- I have the ability to see small details that others may not.

The classes I am taking this quarter are: obeservational drawing, basics of photography, speech and communication and computer literacy. It may sound strange, but the observational drawing is the most difficult class for me so far! Our homework this week is to draw 80 5 minute sketches. For the othe students in my class that isn't all that difficult- I am guessing a lot of them have been artists their entire lives. The girl who sat across the table from me Thursday was sitting sketching people- and she was really good! I haven't really taken the opportunity in my life to draw things, and this is a difficult class for me.

I did manage to draw a pretty life-like apple the other day, and was pretty impressed with it!

So what have I learned this week... other than not to let my perfectionism get in the way of accomplishing my goals? One line at a time- one mark at a time- a pencil creates the picture you guide it to create. Every day, one act at a time, one decision at a time... our lives are created. All I have to say is... thank goodness for erasers!!!

Pick your angle!

2009-10-08T11:43:00.003-06:00

The angle at which you approach something is exactly how you see it.

Have you ever noticed that when you approach a situation, the angle makes a complete difference on how it plays out? If you enter angry... more anger tends to grow. If you come at it from a place of peace, or being willing to "work things out" then usually things go peacefully? Of course, if there is another person involved, that can also affect the outcome, depending on their agle as well.

My camera taught me this profound truth this week, as I was attempting to take a picture. Things just weren't working the way I wanted them to, and I was getting horribly frustrated. I took 2 steps to the right, and realized I had simply been looking at the picture from the wrong angle.

What a profound lesson - and one I will always keep in my heart!

Tender Mercies

2009-09-24T14:36:00.003-06:00

Twice a year, my church has a "General Conference" which is shown world wide via staelite. In April of 2005, David A. Bednar, one of the speakers for that conference spoke on the tender mercies of the Lord. He said, "... I believe I have come to better understand that the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ."

(Sunset near Zion National Park)

I know many people have been praying for Zane and I. I know our friends have all been sad and grieved with us over this lost opportunity to be parents. I know our family has also been very saddened by everything that has happened. There is no possible way to express in words the experience we have had.

(Duck Creek)

(Mirror Lake at Duck Creek)

As you know, we took some time as a couple to be together and take a short trip. It was wonderful.

(Bryce Canyon)

To me, there is nothing more healing than to be able to go to nature. The Lord truly has blessed our lives with tender mercies... through the peace we have felt in our home, the thoughts and warm feelings and love we have been expressed through our friends and family... in so many ways, our lives are being truly blessed.

Our hearts have felt immense sorrow this week, this is true. Our hearts have also felt peace, comfort, and even joy. We may not know what is coming around the corner, but every new day brings the dawn of hope - as long as we choose it to be so.

We are well. There is peace in our home and in our hearts. We know the Lord is blessing us with many kind and tender mercies. We are truly grateful for the love that has been expressed, the prayers and thoughts on our behalf... thank you for your love.

Finding peace

2009-09-20T00:43:00.002-06:00

Have you ever sat and wondered what it is you have to offer the world? Or why you are here? I will be honest, this has been a week full of reflections, tears of joy, tears of pain, little sleep, worry, hiking... and sitting and communing with God. Why me? Who hasn't asked that question at least once in their lifetime?

Last night, Zane and I sat on the side of the road in Snow Canyon State Park in St George UT- one of the places I go when I am seeking solace. The sky was filled with stars. It was a warm desert night, and there were crickets chirping... and all kinds of things happening around us. It was amazing to sit and listen and ponder. I could feel an amazing peace as I thought about my week, and all it has brought for me.

This week has been an emotional roller-coaster, there is just no other possible way to describe it. One day I am preparing to be a mother, and the next I find out "not this week". How do you begin to understand? How do you sort through those emotions, pick up the pieces and move forward? The answer... I truly do not know.

We know we have many friends and family members praying for Zane and I... for which we are truly grateful. Your prayers are sustaining us, thank you.

I know everything will be ok. I can't really define what "ok" means, because I really don't know, but I do know that everything will turn out ok. How do I know this? I know that through the love of my Savior, and His power to heal, my heart will be ok. He will bless us to be able to pick up the pieces of our lives and move forward- stronger and more full of faith. We have come to understand more fully the scripture "Come unto me all ye that labour an are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me, and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

This week, he has surely made our burden lighter, and we have found some rest along the way. our hearts still ache- but not as much has they did just a few short days ago. For that I am truly grateful.

I know we will continue being guided as we seek to know what we need to do with our lives. I am looking for a venue to begin selling my photography, and Zane is hoping to be accepted in to law school... these are two of our next steps. Goals are important- they will help us continue looking toward the future instead of reflecting on the past.

Thank you for all your love, support and prayers.

The Lord opens a window...

2009-09-16T16:54:00.002-06:00

"The Sound of Music" is one of my favorite musicals. In it, there is a line... "When the Lord closes the door, somewhere he opens a window."

We got the word today that this birth mother is not going to place her child with us to adopt.

Does my heart ache? More than you can possibly imagine. I have wanted to be a mother more than anything in this world for as long as I can remember. Have I had the opportunity to look at myself, grow, and come to a deeper understanding of God's love? Absolutely. Does all that make it any easier for my hurting heart? Maybe.

Zane and I are going to take a short trip- to Zion National Park- my favorite place on earth!!! We will be leaving in the morning.

There are so many people who have been praying with us, and I also know you will be aching with us as well. When I am stronger emotionally, I will be able to talk about it. Right now, please respect that we are grieving the loss of a child. We need a little time to heal the hurting inside. Thank you for being so wonderful. We truly appreciate everything everyone has done for us!!

"When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window..." we have the hope to be able to adopt at a future date. We are now completely prepared!! What could be better? (It's always a good thing to look on the bright side... or so I am told.)

Please continue to pray for us. That will give us the strength to carry on!!

Hope

2009-09-16T08:48:00.003-06:00

Since last Thursday, I haven't heard anything from our birth mother. She was supposed to be induced yesterday, but as of last Thursday, she told me that had been changed. I don't know what the new date is, and I haven't heard anything from her. As you can imagine, my emotions are everywhere.

There is another family she had been considering placing her baby with. I have been wondering about that family this week.

I am holding out hope. We have waited to be parents for over 12 years now, and it is so close. Our birth mom is an amazing woman, and I know she is going through a very difficult time. We are praying for her. Only she can make the dscision of who to place her baby with. Of course, as you can imagine, we hope it is us.

Hope, prayers and faith. What more can one do?

2009-09-10T16:52:00.002-06:00

Today is an amazing day. I have a good friend who is making a very difficult decision, and I can say I can relate in a small way with the struggle, but not with the choices she is having to make. This a friend whom I love dearly. As I have become better friends with her over the past while, I have seen so many amazing qualities in her that I admire. I have come to see her more as a siser than a friend.

She is a strong woman who knows what it takes to do things on her own.... and she has done it. She is a single mother of amazing children- who have been guided and taught by her example and love. Her heart is good, and she always wants the very best for her family. Sometimes, that means a struggle in her heart between one choice and another. She has the amazing capacity to make friends, and is completely genuine. I am honored to call her friend.

If she reads what I write here (which I really don't know if she will or not) I want her to know I love her dearly. Her decision is a difficult one, and I know her heart is struggling. I wish there was something I could do to help lift that burden. I am praying for her - so she will be able to know the best decision to make. Only she can know what is the right choice for her is. I don't want to make that decision for her... it's not my place. I don't want to make her feel that I am trying to influence her, either.

Wonderful friend, follow your heart. Ask God for guidance. Listen, in those quiet moments, to the answers you feel inside your heart. I will always be here, a phone call away, willing to listen. I know you will make the right decision. I love you with all my heart!

How is he 2 already?

2009-08-29T21:43:00.005-06:00

How is it that my cute little nephew has already turned 2 years old?! They really do grow up so fast. Happy birthday little guy!!We had a gread day at Wheeler Historic Farm celebrating his special day! Who knew you could get so close to the geese?! What a great time we had!!!

How perfect is this little pony? All the kids were able to have a couple rides, and we had a great time!!!!

Miracles every day

2009-08-26T21:00:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was amazing. I got to go to an appointment with our baby's birth mom and see my little boy on an ultrasound. I got to hear his heart beat, watch it on the monitor... see his fingers and toes. Wow. I watched him move around in his birth mom's belly. It is so amazing to me that she is so willing to let me be a part of this incredible miracle.

After 12 years of wondering if this would ever happen, my heart is so full. How can I possibly explain the love I feel for this little one? His name is Samuel Joseph.

We are getting his nursery started this week-painting and decorating. Saturday we are going to put together his crib and put everything in order...

It truly almost seems like I am dreaming. If I am, I would rather not wake up!

Week full of blessings

2009-08-19T10:55:00.002-06:00

It never ceases to amaze me the goodness in people's hearts. My friends and neighbors, after hearing about this young mother in a car accident last week, have really opened their hearts in order to help her. I am so grateful! When I took her 4 beautiful children back to her- living in a motel for now until they find a place- I was able to take her clothing and toys for each of the children, as well as some clothing for her. Her boyfriend was also living with her at the time and has lost a lot of his belongings- so he is also being lend a hand.

There are programs in the state where they can all be helped, and as far as I know right now, there are people from the state helping this young family as they are struggling and trying to get their feet back on the ground. Workforce servies is helping her find employment, there is counseling offered fort he children... all the things this family will need. They have a marvelous bishop who is doing his best to help as well.

I am so grateful to have been able to be there, help where I was needed, and have good friends and neighbors willing to help me help her. What an incredible experience this has been for everyone involved! I hope and pray I will always be willing and able to be the Lord's hands when and where He needs me.

Miracles never cease!

2009-08-14T23:17:00.002-06:00

I know that God is a God of miracles. Yesterday, I brough 4 beautiful children in to my home who needed a place to go. Bit by bit, I have been learning about them. They are 2, 3, 5 and 6 years old. The 3 year old has autism, and the 5 year old has very angry, compulsive behaviors. The 6 year old feel responsible for the safety of all the others, and the 2 year old just wants to be reassured and held. Too much to handle for a woman who has no children? Maybe... unless Alicia and Emily spent the ENTIRE day with me, and Lorena spent the evening. These 3 incredible teen age girls have made all the difference in the world.

Neighbors and friends have brought things to my home for the kids- books, clothes, toys... anything you can think of. Complete strangers have brought clothing they have gone and purchased for this very reason. Each of the 4 kids have enough clothes for at least a week- if not more!

Their mother had surgery today on her hand. The doctors weren't sure what was going to happen... and thought they were going to have to perform multiple surgeries- and were prety sure they wouldn't be able to save her whole hand. Today, after about 6 hours of surgery, all went well. Her hand is repaired- she may not regain complete mobility of her wrist, and one of her fingers had to be fused... but she will have her hand.

I know that God is our Father, and He is aware of everything that is happening in our lives. He watches over us and protects us. There is a country song that says, "I believe there are angels among us" and I have to say, I have seen and felt those angels as they have come to my home to love this family. I know they were sent in to my life to remind me of the many blesings I have... where much is given, much is expected.

Following your heart

2009-08-14T00:26:00.002-06:00

Have you ever followed your heart, then stopeed to think hmmmmmmmmmmm.... I should have thought this through a little more than I did? I have a miracle to share.

Tuesday night, Zane and I were on the way to a parenting class. Just as we were getting off the exit, we noticed there was a vehicle overturned blocking traffic. There were already cars stopped ahead of us, so Zane jumped out of the car and starting directing traffic and calling Highway Patrol (as an officer, he knows just what to tell them) while others on the scene began to pull a mother and her 4 young children from the vehicle. I pulled off to the side of the road and approached the scene cautiously... finding 4 very frightened children, and a youth group (from my old ward!) there helping as best they could. I sat on the side of the road holding an amazingly brave 6 year old as his mother was life-flighted to the hospital. All the children were also taken to the hospital. I remember this little boy being terrified, and I asked him to be a soldier for me. He told me he couldn't be a soldier because soldiers aren't scared. I assured him that soldiers can be brave and scared at the same time- as fireman Sam strapped him to a backboard and wheeled him away.

I couldn't sleep Tuesday night, and I was pretty sure all the emotion had also impacted the youth that were on the scene as well. Wednesday, I called all the hospitals looking for my brave soldier. No one had him. I called around looking for the mom... and because of HIPPA laws, I was not able to find out anything. Finally, a nurse took compassion on me when I told her I had been there and I only wanted to know if she was ok. She placed me on hold, came back and assured me the mother was fine. I left my phone number and asked to have a member of the family call me. Within 45 minutes, the mother called.

This woman has seen her share of trials. Recently, she was homeless with her 4 beautiful children. She moved in to an apartment last Wednesday... to have it burn to the ground Friday. She was traveling with her kids- and new clothing that had been donated to her- when she had this accident on Tuesday. She had just found out her left wrist and hand were crushed so badly the doctors were going to amputate it. What a place to be. Thanks to my friend Tammy, we were able to make and take her a dinner in the hotel she is staying in... thanks to the Red Cross. I thought the kids would likd to know what happened, so I called Zac, one of the teen age boys that was on the scene. Immediately, this young man took action and began preparing a service project to help this single mother and her children... gathering school supplies, clothing... and the project has grown to un-imagineable proportions.

Today I called her again to see how things are going. The mother told me that she was going to meet with DCFS and her friend who was taking care of her children... but that the friend could no longer care for these 4 traumatized kids- it was too much for her. They would all become wards of the state, unless she could find someone to take care of them- and she has no friends and family in Utah.

The point of the story? Tonight, I have 4 beautiful children staying in my home. I have an army of wonderful neighbors, friends and complete strangers who have come from everywhere to donate things children need- tooth brushes, toys, clothes, pajamas, socks, food... you name it. My home has been innundated with goodness. Zac and his sister, as well as 2 other young women came to my hopme and played with the kids as we prepared placed to sleep and food to eat.

I believe there are no coincidences in life. The Lord puts us where he needs us... when he needs us. I am so grateful to all the hearts that have been open, the love that has been shared, and the compassion of friends and neighbors who had never before even met this family. I am eternally grateful for the outpouring of love. I am also overwhelmed and grateful that the Lord has allowed me to be a part of this experience.

Relay for Life

2009-08-12T11:21:00.014-06:00

This year marks the 25th annual American Cancer Society's "Relay for Life". It was, for Riverton, the 2nd annual event. I was involved on the committe in Riverton, along with my friend Tammy. We were in charge of the entertainment portion of the night.

A lot of people have asked me what the Relay for Life is... So I would like to share a little bit. It is a fund-raiser for the American Cancer society, getting funds for cancer research. Team captains find teams, and they get involved in fund-raising, as well as walking an actual relay. There is a track, and each member of the team is asked to walk the track... enough times so there is someone walking at all hours of the night. Cancer survivors are invited to come share this event, and share their stories and strength with others. Teams pitch tents and take time sleeping through the night. Local businesses can donate to the cause, and we had many there... Stefano's Gelatto, Water Mart, and others donated items that participants could purchase with the proceeds going to the American Cancer Society. There were also games for the kids to play and a midnight movie!

Our Relay was last Friday, and we had a great time! Interestingly enough, just 24 hours previous to the event, all but 2 of our entertainment options for the evening called and let us know they would be unable to make it. I was in somewhat of a panic as I called a band, Molly Drive, at 9:45 PM the night before our event. Wes was the member of the band I spoke with, and he performed a miracle for us. Molly Drive came and performed for the majority of the event. Thank you guys, for being our miracle!!!

Zane helped out with the flag ceremony- which was a life saver!!

Luminaries are placed around the track, and lit at night after dark, symbolizing the light of hope. The first lap of the Relay is walked by cancer survivors. They carry banners, helping everyone remember the purpose of the Relay. The second lap is completed by survivors and caregivers, and the third lap is walked by everyone present.

At our Relay, cancer survivors wore purple shirts. Commitee members wore blue, team captains yellow, and team members white. It was amazing to see the strngth and support of families and friends as each family member, team member and friend walked hand in hand in support of their loved one fighting/facing cancer.

I look forward to participating in next year's event!!

Miracles

2009-08-01T21:08:00.003-06:00

"Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles." -Mike Greenberg. I have thought about miracles a lot recently, and have begun to wonder is there truly such a thing as a tiny miracle?

In our life right now, Zane and I are living in the midst of miracles. Every day we feel and know of the marvelous things happening in our lives, for which we are truly, truly grateful.

The past 8 weeks have changed our lives forever. The Sunday before Father's Day, we made an amazing new friend. This beautiful young lady has been through many different experiences in her life that have taught her so many lessons. It has been a joy and a privelege getting to know her and her family.

Something that has really touched me, since the first day we met, is that she is expecting a baby, and had decided she wanted him to live in a home with a mother and a father...to give him the best possible opportunities in this life time. She is a single mother of 3 incredible children, and she strongly believed she was not able to give this new little boy the life she wanted for him. She made the decision to place him for adoption.

For 12 years now, Zane and I have wanted to be parents. We have prayed and prayed... and there were some days, honestly, I wondered if there was anyone listening to our prayers. Our hearts have been broken through my body's inability to carry a pregnancy- and there have been times I have been completely discouraged.

The miracle in our life right now is that our beautiful new friend wants to place her baby in our home for us to adopt him. Zane and I are blessed to become parents!!! September 17th, she will be induced, and we will bring him home just as soon after that as we can. 6 short weeks from now, our baby will be born!

Words cannot possibly express the way I am feeling tonight, as I sit here and try to share this incredible miracle! I went to her check-up appointment this week, and saw my baby's ultrasound- and heard his little heart beat. It completely took my breath away! I could not stop the tears from flowing as we saw his hands, feet, face, watched the heart beating... I knew it was real- this is a miracle.

How do you possibly thank someone who is giving you the most precious gift anyone could give you? How do you express gratitude for something so miraculous? I am so grateful for her ability to love and trust us to raise this beautiful little boy. I am so gratful to my Heavenly Father for having one of our friends be a the right place at the right time to get to know this amazing birth mother. I am overwhelmingly grateful for the answers to our prayers. I am grateful to my parents for their love and support as we face the newly discovered challenges in our lives. I am grateful to other family and friends for their love, support and understanding.

Miracles happen every day. I am grateful for every one of the miracles in my life!!

Every New Day

2009-07-20T11:48:00.003-06:00

Every day there is excitement. There are times when it's hard to believe something is really happening in my life right now- it seems too extraordinary to believe. I am not casting doubt, in any way, shape or form- it just is so surreal to me I don't quite know how to comprehend it all. Sometimes when we receive blessings, it's not in the way we expect, look for, or even dream of. Such is the situation I am living right now. I don't want to divulge a whole lot of details at this moment, so anyone reading this will just have to be patient and understand there will be more details in the near-ish future.

I am so greateful to know that I have a Heavenly Father who hears and answers my prayers. There have been many nights where I have wondered if anyone was really listening- and all was in vain. What I have come to understand is that the answers to our prayers aren't always "yes" ...or exactly the answers when and where we are seeking them. He does hear, yet allows us the freedom to make choices that will affect our own lives. He doesn't put a stumbling block in front of us- He simply allows us to create the challenges for ourselves that will stretch our faith and allow us to grow.

What challenges have I created for myself? I have the opportunity to make a new choice about that challenge and create a new outcome. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to live, love, and learn!

Moment of truth

2009-07-14T16:27:00.003-06:00

Something has been on my mind lately, and I want to share it. More than anything, I really want to get it out- so people know the truth about some things that I have maybe not been "quite so honest"about... and it's about time! First let me start with a little background.

I know a person who lives their life in a way that I don't understand. When something happens to them, they tell a different version of the story to everyone they meet- including their family members. Story to story, un-truth to un-truth, I have come to realize that I can't necessarily trust that person's verson of anything they tell me. I feel sad for them, as their life is difficult- and if they had told the truth each time, instead of telling the version of the story they thought the person listening wanted to hear... things would be much simpler for them. After all, if you tell a story to a particular person, you have to remember who you told what- and pretty soon, you can get caught in your own web of deceit. Friends and family begin to not trust you... and then where do you stand?

Well, here is my moment of truth. I know it sounds silly, but I really have the desire to share. Many of you know that I have been quite heavy at one point and time. I have said I weighed "about 300 pounds" and this is actually quite true. I want to come clean with everyone who knows me. At one point, I weighed 310 pounds. Today, I weigh 219. That extra 10 pounds may seem like not a lot... but imagine carrying around a 10 pound bag of sugar all the time... day and night. 10 pounds is 10 pounds!

I am on a journey of discovery- discovering who I am, and what I am capable of. I am absolutely capable of living my life in truth. The truth is- weight loss is difficult. Anyone who has tried knows!

I have so many wonderful friends, and family members who have supported me for a very long time. I have a goal to continue working in weight loss, and especially in the next 8 weeks, in a way that has integrity and honesty. Every day I am eating proper foods and doing the exercises that will help me gain the strength I need.

Every day is a challenge. I have to be honest with myself, and in keeping a journal of the things I eat. It's really ok for me to have a bowl of ice cream now and then... as long as I keep an honest record.

I have also decided to be completely honest with those around me. Why keep inside how I am truly feeling? Sometimes, in the past, I have not expressed my point of view for fear of how others might react to me. Isn't the same as doing what my friend mentioned above has done?

After all... "Honesty is the best policy!"

A sunset... on the old me!!!

Patriotism on my mind

2009-07-05T23:50:00.003-06:00

I had an experience today I would like to share.

At church, someone was playing prelude music for everyone to listen to as the meeting was getting started. Usually, people simply talk over the music- it's more of a background than much else- and that's pretty ok with me. What happened, though, is the National Anthem was being played as prelude. As a military wife, I immediately stood and placed my hand over my heart- along with a friend sitting next to me. One other person in the room did the same. Out of respect for our country... and those who have fought and lived, as well as fought and died, it has always been my understanding you stand while the Star Spangled Banner is played. I know many people were looking at us- wondering why we were doing what we were doing- but that was perfectly fine with me. less than 5 minutes later, the Star Spangled Banner was played again, and the same 3 of us stood. I closed my eyes and thought of the words- my heart was deeply touched.

Many people don't understand the story of the National Anthem. I have heard the story told a few times... and it truly moves me. The hymn was written during the war of 1812, when Francess Scott Key was a negotiatior, sent to negotiate the release of American prisoners. Once he reached the ship in the harbor, however, he was taken captive. The Americans had been told if the flag stood in the morning, it would be considered that the Americans were victorious in the battle. Through the night, the British focused all their firepower directly on our flag pole. Brave soldiers rushed to our country's aid, holding the flag erect through the night. In the morning, as Francess looked over the harbor, he was unable to see for all the smoke that filled the air. He wrote the Star Spangled Banner as a prayer from his heart... can the flag be seen- are we victorious? And there it was, leaning heavily to one side... yet standing. America was victorious! The price? The brave men who rushed to hold up the flag during the night... many of them perished. It was their bodies the flag pole was leaning on, standing where it could be seen through the thick morning smoke.

So when the Star Spangled Banner is playing, I will stand. I will not talk - must people usually do not talk through a prayer - and I will remember those who have lived and died to give me the freedoms I now enjoy. I am so grateful to live in this great land. I am deeply grateful to those who have paid the utimate price so that I may live free.

Thank you to all the families of miltary personel - past, present, and future, for allowing your loved one to serve our country in a way few people can, or will. May the Lord bless you every day for your great sacrifice.

Independence Day

2009-07-04T00:24:00.003-06:00

I was just refelcting on what Independence Day means to me. I know as Americans, we all enjoy the fireworks, the BBQs and picnics, the parades and swimming... but there is more to it than parties and pomp & circumstance.

What of those who have given us our freedoms? What of those families who send loved oned overseas- to have them return changed... or not return at all? I know we hear frequently that "freedom isn't free" but what does that truly mean?

For me, personally, it meant months of sleepless nights, worrying, praying. Watching a friend struggle when her husband was killed. Gathering with families of military serving over seas... just to know there was someone else in the world feeling the same way I was. Trying to explain to darling children where their favorite uncle Zane was... and taking the Zane-bear to girls camp, family reunions, youth outings, and to bed with me at night. It meant crying when I had to hang up the phone, hanging on to every word spoken- not knowing if it would be the last I heard for him. Wondering for weeks on end when he might be able to call, when a mission would end. It meant nights of staring at the phone and wishful thinking when awakening from a dream finding the phone really hadn't waken me from the slumber. It meant talking all night to him- and sleeping all day. It meant bursting in to tears for no apparent reason- and often cring myself to sleep at night. It meant being without someone I love.

Don't get me wrong. I love the parades. I love the fireworks and grilled chicken sandwich- I love the patriotic music... I love the celebrations we have! My perspective is just different than most, and I wanted to share it while it was fresh in my mind.

Happy Independence Day. This is a day I will always hold dear to my heart.

Family

2009-06-27T22:11:00.002-06:00

It's been a long, full week... with rain, gardening, organizing, learning... after a wonderful father's day last Sunday. I wanted to share a picture of my family... in my parent's yard. It's amazing to think of all the things my dad has taught me through the years. Thanks, dad, for everthing you have done for me!!!

Baptism day!

2009-06-21T08:48:00.002-06:00

Two weeks ago we had a very special baptism day! I can hardly believe this wonderful little boy has alreaday turned 8 years old... where has the time gone?

It was wonderful to be together- as many of the family members as could make it- to celebrate this very special day.
What an incredible family. I feel so blessed to be a part of their lives. My niece and nephews are such a joy to me. I really love spending time with them. I'd keep them... but I think their mom and dad might complain.

Father and son. What an amazing day!

Piano recital!

2009-06-21T08:40:00.003-06:00

It's hard to believe that it has been 10 and a half years since she was born in to our family! My cute niece had a piano recital this week... and we had the honor of hearing her play a duet. She is very gifted with music- and you can really tell she loves playing. Wow, how time flies! I still remember her first day of preschool... ((sigh))

Great lesson learned today

2009-06-17T23:08:00.004-06:00

For my elements of Design class, I am supposed to write a paper about an artist or field of art that is of interest to us. I have always like Ansel Adam's photography, so I decided to research morea bout his life and his work. I have watched a few interviews with him on the internet- and have come to realize I have some things in common with him. I had never considered that before! I love what he said... he simply finds the right subject- then waits 10-15 minutes for the right shot... not for hours.

People have often asked him to explain his photography to them... what he was seeing and feeling in the moment that he took a photograph. His response? "The element of verbalisation, of explaining what's in the picture, what you feel about it, it's very futile, because if it isn't in the picture... what are you talking about? I can never put in to words the feelings of that particular moment." When he talks about one of his pictures he said, "I just happened to see an extraordinary moment."

Isn't that what life is about?

For me, my photography is about seeing a beauty in something that I can share with others. My goal is to share with the world a "perfectly" captured moment that helps someone stop, take a breath, and ponder on the beauty of the earth around them... the beauty that God has created for each of us to enjoy.

I know I feel at peace while I am in nature... and I hope I can share a part of that moment with those who may not have the same opportunities that I have been given.

Good Morning Saturday!!!

2009-06-13T09:39:00.002-06:00

Today is a beautiful day! As I sit at my computer and look through the french doors in to the back yard, I feel so peaceful. Along the fence is my honeysuckle vine blooming, grandpa's white roses, as well as purple roses and clematis. My hummingbird feeder has been extremely busy this morning, and it has been a joy to watch my little friends zip in and out of my yard.

I know there is a lot of work to get done- but for me, I am grateful for the small moment to sit and reflect on the beauty just outside my window. I should do this more often!

Quite the week...

2009-06-10T19:11:00.006-06:00

It's only Wednesday, and it has been quite the week so far. Sunday I woke up woth an extreme stiff neck, unable to sit up long enough to sit through church... not my idea of fun. I waited anxiously for something to happen Sunday night ~ which didn't. (I understand there are things that are out of our control at times...) I love the thunderstorms- but how can I week my yard and pick the already bright red strawberries? Tuesday I was hoping for a little emotional help at school... and ended up being the one doing the helping. Today at school when I turned in my collage, the response was "This is a good effort, I would like to see you try it again." That's not quite what I was expecting... to say the least! Then I discovered that the project that is due on Friday- I have done wrong. After 10 hours of art work... time to start over. Hmmmmmmmm...

So what do you do? I guess dig in my heels and get to work!!

This is a picture I took earlier this week... and I thought I would share!!

Peaceful Drive

2009-05-31T21:58:00.005-06:00

As a surprise, Zane took me for a drive yesterday- to take pictures of wildflowers! I know sooooooo many people would be shocked to hear this... I took over 250. I love having the ability to capture a moment in time- whether it be a smile on a niece or nephew's face, a happy dance... or a single flower blowing in the wind.

I have a final project that I am doing for my design class- creating a collage of my pictures and arranging them in a way that is "properly" designed. I had been thinking about arranging pictures from Zane's deployment to Afghanistan, but have since changed my mind. I am going to make a collage of my pictures of nature. I have to bas the project around a single word, and the word I have chosen is serenity. For me, there is no place more serene than to be in nature- surrounded by God's beautiful creations! When I finish the project, I will put a picture on my blog- but for now, this is just a seed of an idea in my mind just starting to grow. I am really excited for the challenge!

I did want to share a few pictures from this weekend (of course) and some of the spectacular views I was witness to! I love how my heart feels when I can pause for a moment and reflect on every blessing I have in my life. I know I am truly blessed, and for that I am eternally grateful!

Life Lessons

2009-05-24T10:23:00.002-06:00

How do you react when a friend who is younger than you tells you he just purchased his wife's burial plot- she is dying of cancer. What do you do when you are with a friend who is allergic to nuts- and she unknowingly eats them and has a severe reaction- and you are the only one around? Or how about the police officer husband who is supposed to be home at 10:30 who doesn't return until 4 hours after that... having an "interesting night" playing cops and robbers? And what if all of this happened within 24 hours?!

I have had an incredibly peaceful weekend. Friday night, talking to my friend who will be burying his beautiful wife soon, I learned a great truth. I have never met her, but I know her spirit and her beauty. As we were talking, I was attempting to comfort him, and it was very difficult. I found myself crying with him- and that was an amazing experience. "...Mourn with those that mourn..."

My friend with the nut allergy? We left an event, came home and took care of her through allergy medication and rest. She kept telling me she could stay then go home an hour later... and I know that would have been a poor choice, as her airways were shutting off. I stayed home for concern there could be a more serious reaction "...comfort those that stand in need of comfort..."

And the cop husband? "...Stand as a witness of God in all times and in all things, and in all places..." He was arresting people and doing what is right , to keep the community a safer place to live. I felt in my heart that he was really ok... even though he was many hours late coming home. There was a peace that told me everything would be fine, and it was.

Alma 18:9 is a great scripture from the Book of Mormon- it's where all the quotes from above came from.

I am grateful for the experiences I had this weekend. There are moments when it is clear to me that Heavenly Father has had a hand in my life... and this is one of those moments. Through each of these experiences I have had a peace with me that is impossible to describe. I have been given words to say that I know are not my own. I have been guided in what to do. I have been watched over and blessed with peace. I am so grateful!

The bus ride

2009-05-17T11:08:00.003-06:00

For an emotional healing class I am taking right now, I am reading the book "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" by Debbie Ford. The sub-title of the book is "Reclaiming your power, creativity, brilliance, and dreams". This book is absolutely incredible! I highly recommend it.

There is one chapter in particular that has really moved me to see myself more clearly. I feel like in order to fully understand the meaning there, you need to read all the previous chapters- so I won't tell you which one it is- but I want to share the ideas learned that have helped me see myself more clearly. I believe this meditation would help anyone.

Debbie talks in her book about the fact there are aspect of ourselves that we either don't like, or we try to ignore and set aside. I absolutely can see some of those aspects of myself- some of them clear as day. I know others can see them too. She suggests a meditation in which we can face those aspects, see what we can learn from them, and learn to accept the face that whether we like it or not, we have that particular trait within us... and we have the ability to embrace it rather than run from it.

She suggests doing a meditation- sitting in a quiet place and visualizing yourself getting on a bus. Sit somewhere near the middle as the bus begins its journey. The bus is full of people- old, young, thin, not-so-thin, beautiful, not-so-beautiful... all types of people. There may even be animals on the bus- let nothing come as a surprise there. As you look at the other passengers on the bus, you realize each of them is an aspect of you- who you are. Continuing the meditation, looking around, you see a passenger that would like to talk with you one-on-one. Imagine the bus stopping, and the 2 of you getting off, going somewhere to talk. That passenger will either have a name- or you can help them find a name- and you spend time finding out what it is that personality trait has taught you in your life. You then, once the conversation is complete, re-embark the bus with that passenger, and continue that journey. Doing the meditation more than once, you can learn many things from many other personality traits within you.

I recently did this visualization. I was astounded! The passenger who wanted to speak with me was Fat Freddie- a passenger who seemed larger than any of the people I have even seen compete on "The Biggest Loser". He was huge- and very sad. Our conversation was very interesting. I asked him, first of all why he was sad. The reason he told me was "Because you don't accept yourself how you are. It doesn't matter what you look like, although being healthy is much better for you than what I am like, I am sad that you hate yourself. I feel sad for you that you don't understand what a beautiful person you really are." Wow. He continued, "You have learned so much in your life. Part of the reason you have so much compassion for others is that you have had such a deep struggle within. It would be wonderful for you to accept yourself as you truly are, let your light shine, and stop beating yourself up over small choices you make." When he was done talking to me, we were at a park in my mind, I sat there and cried. He was right! We re-joined the other passengers on the bus. I embraced him, then left the bus to end the meditation. There are many other passengers waiting for their opportunity to do the same thing as Freddie.

Many people have known me for a long time. I have tried, unsuccessfully at times I am sure, to hide my insecurity over my weight. I also have allowed my weight at times to become an excuse as to why I was unable to participate in certain activities... and there are activities that my weight has caused me to not be able to participate in. I have the desire to no longer struggle with any of that. Today is a new day in my life!

Debbie says in her book "If we don't shift our perception of our true selves, we'll be stuck repeating our past behavior". Isn't that profound? By talking with the passengers on my personal bus journey, I am sure I will learn many new things about myself. I am excited for the bus ride!

Blow Flowers

2009-05-12T19:15:00.005-06:00

Yesterday I took my nephew to a field full of dandelion puffs. I explained to him they are flowers you blow- and now we have "Blow flowers!" We spent nearly an hour in that field blowing, running through, laying in... dandelion puffs. What better free entertainment could we have had?! Love those memories!!!

Moab Sites!

2009-05-07T15:55:00.011-06:00

Last week, Zane and I went to Moab with my brother and his family. I thought I would share a few of the incredible sights!

Oh, and of course, some of the cutest kids on the planet!

Our camp site was infested with caterpillars... there were thousands of them everywhere!They were making cocoons in the chairs, coolers, tires... we brought a few home as unexpected souveniers!

This poor little guy got sick on our first day there.

Kung Fu in the river... and 3 heart-shaped rocks were found that day!

Zane checking out his girlish figure!

We had a great time! I hope there will be more trips like this one in the future!

Moab!

2009-04-30T07:44:00.002-06:00

What could possibly be more fun than camping?! Yesterday, We came to Moab with my brother and his family. Last summer, my dad bought a camper- and we are using it! I haven't slept in a camper since I was about 10 years old... and this has been a fun adventure!

We spent some time in the swimming pool at the camp site, and today we are going to take off for a couple of short hikes. Zane has never seen Delicate Arch- so that is where we are going to start. After that, we are planning on spending the rest on the day in Arches National Park. I am positive there will me TONS of pictures to share- so that will be something fun to look forward to!!!

We love birthdays!

2009-04-28T23:29:00.004-06:00

We always love celebrating birthdays! This week, our favorite Buddy-Do turned 8 years old! That means he will have the opportunity to get baptized soon. Wow, I can hardly believe it was 8 years ago this sweet boy came home from the hospital wrapped in a blanket... where has the time gone?

We know there will be many more fun-filled days and celebrations ahead of us! I love you with all the stars!!

A Special Angel

2009-04-26T16:40:00.004-06:00

A week ago, a special angel was sent in to my life- a young woman who had lived a difficult life. Her family had put her out in the street with no where to turn, and it was clear to me she had some very special needs. This beautiful angel spent nearly a week in my home. My friend and I felt very strongly she needed to be closer to her family in Idaho, so Friday afternoon we packed our car for an up and back trip. Whe we arrived in Idaho, all avenues seemed to come to a dead end. She wasn't able to live with her family there, either, for various reasons. As we continued to seek, we continued to find more and more dead ends.

We got in touch with a bishop from the LDS church, and he helped us get in touch with a social worker who would be able to help her... Monday morning. It was Saturday, and we were running out of options of how to help her. My thought was we would be bringing her home with us again.

Zane's sister lives about an hour away from where we were... and graciously agreed to allow her to stay with her until Monday when the social worker could help her.

Then a miracle occured. My special angel has an aunt- whom we had been trying to contact- that lives about 3 hours from Zane's sister. She returned my call. This aunt had been praying that God would put someone in to this young lad'y life that would help her get to her aunt... which will be happening tomorrow!

There are those who may doubt the existence of God. I am not among them. I know God lives. I know he is my Heavenly Father, and He loves me. I know he knows each of us personally- and He hears every prayer we pray. He knows our hearts, our desires, our pain. He loves us. He answers prayers and is our guide, our light and our hope.

I know this special angel- who was sent in to mylife for a brief moment- is His daughter. He loves her and will protect her. I am so gratful to have had the opportunity to meet this special angel... and have her touch my life.

Zoo day!

2009-04-20T23:07:00.005-06:00

Our family tradidion... the birthday child gets to pick a fun place for the family to spend time for their birthday celebration. This little aweetheart chose the zoo! We had a great time Saturday morning- on a beautiful spring day!

There is nothing like spending time with my favorite nieces and nephews! They make my heart feel so happy!

Some of the animals even obliged for a few fun-filled pictures!!

The birthday!!!

2009-04-20T09:27:00.006-06:00

We always have a fun time at grandma's house when there is a birthday!

Happy birthday to one of the sweetest little guys I know. He is definately one of my favorite nephews. We love to spend time playing Mario Kart Wii and Super Mario Galaxy with him... he definately kicks my tail in both!!

I'm not sure, but I think he likes his new "soft blankie"!

Look at that smile- it completely melts my heart!!

A Dream Come True!

2009-04-15T21:45:00.003-06:00

Last Friday, I found a place I really belong. On facebook, I had seen an ad for the "Art Institute of Salt Lake City" so I asked for information about the school. They offer a Bachelor's Degree in digital photography... what better fit for me?! I went in, had a short interview... and my heart and sould knew that I belong there!

I shared my portfolio, and wow! I know I am doing the right thing! There is an admissions process, and I am in the middle of that right now- but if all goes well, I will be able to begin classes on May 14th- I will become a profesisonal photographer by the time I graduate!!

For anyone who knows me... you know this is a perfect fit!

This is one of my most recent favorite photos!!

The Bronze Star

2009-04-06T23:47:00.005-06:00

Sunday evening, Zane was presented the Bronze Star that he had been awarded while he was in Afghanistan. There are only 2 awards that are higher ranking in the Army... the Silver Star and the Congressional Medal of Honor. I know he did an excellent job during his deployment- he always does his best. It was wonderful to have the family and friends come would could.

It was amazing.

We all love you, Zane!

Beauty all around...

2009-04-05T10:33:00.002-06:00

It neve ceases to amaze me the beauty our Heavenly Father has given us to enjoy. I love the moments when I feel at peace, knowing He has given me all that I have. I am grateful for the gift of being able to enjoy his beauty, and be able to share it with others through photography. My heart feels happy to know I can.

Trail under construction

2009-04-02T18:15:00.010-06:00

Last week I had the opportuinty to go to Moab and spend some time hiking and taking pictures. I spent a lot of time alone, and had the opportunity to think about a lot of things. The sign along Delicate Arch trail in Arches National Park really made me think... Trail work ahead. Isn't it true? In life, thre is a lot of trail work ahead...

There may be storms, but wothout them, how would we ever appreciate the sunny days?

Without the sunset, what would every day be?

There are so many wonders we rarely pasue to see.

It's all about perspective. The river has washed away so much... yet in doing so, created a natural beauty unseen anywhere else. The water flowed in the path of least resistance. Do I do the same?

Or do I stand, solitarily, and do what I feel is right at times when those around me do not?

Days, nights, storms, sun...

It's all about perspecive.

Twinkies!!

2009-03-16T12:56:00.003-06:00

Welcome to the fiesta!

In 1994, I was serving a mission in San Fernando CA for the LDS church. I was in Palmdale... and there was a family there that "adopted" the sister missionaries... Toby and Gabby Ramirez. There is no possible way to describe how I felt with their family... other that completely loved! This is one of the most amazing families on the face of the planet! I will admit I probably spent a little more time at their home than I should have... but what can I do about it now?!

They have twin daughters... Angie and Nellie. Gabby calls them her "twinkies". This weekend, we celebrated the twinkies coming home fom their full time missions! They both served in different missions in Texas: Houston, and McAllen.
Angie & Nellie

They have other beautiful children also... Mandy who is all grown up and married now to Brandon. I love them soooooooooooo much!

Mandy & Brandon

And then there's Nefi. He was about 2 years old when I was on my mission, and I have the cutest picture if him sitting on my lap. Now he's all grown up too- and a senior in high school. He is one of the most "travieso" kids I know... that means trouble-making, practical joking... I think he is the best! This weekend, someone suggested that I pick him up- just like "old times" for a picture... so I did. We all had a good laugh. Then- HE PICKED ME UP! Want to talk about laughing until you cry?!

Bianca and Chelsea, Gabby and Toby's nieces live with them also. I have to say... they are just adorable girls! I loved getting to know them better. I sort of helped them make a fruit punch- it was REALLY GOOD! They did the work... I just "helped" if you know what I mean.

Chelsea & Bianca... in the middle

I love Gabby and Toby. I wish everyone I know could meet them and know just how completely amazing they are! Toby is like a big old teddy bear... who you can talk to about anything. We had the best talk Saturday afternoon- he gave me some really good advice to follow, whice I really appreciate. Gabby- my favorite Gabby in the whole world! I ADORE HER! I wish the whole world could know her- we would have a better world if everyone did. She is the best!!!My favorite Gabby

Toby- the big teddy bear in the back row!

WOW!

2009-03-11T14:38:00.003-06:00

More than 20 years ago, I had a really good friend, Jeff. I haven't talked to him since 1992 or so, and we lost contact for a very long time. This past weekend, he found me on facebook. The only way to describe how I am feeling is WOW! We have been talking on the phone the past couple of days, and it has been amazing.

There has been a lot of life that has been lived by both of us. I have been through ups and downs... things he hasn't been there to experience with me. He has been through many ups and downs also- things I could never imagine. What is absolutely amazing to me is that in being reunited with him, the 'me' he remembers is the teen-age girl before many life struggles came my way. It has been so amazing to see that part of me again- and have a friend who knows that part well. It is so mind-boggling to realize that part of me is still in there... and really wants to be seen again!

Sometiemes, when we go through things in life, we hide our authentic self- behind a layer of 'armor'. We feel we are protecting our heart from getting hurt. What really happens is we are hiding our true self deeper and deeper behind layers of pain. We use those layers as a protection- not letting people see who we truly are in our heart, not letting them know our deepest desires. I know I have done this in my lifetime. I know exactly when I started trying to protect... or hide... myself, and I have seen the person I have become because of it. I have been a good person- but not complete.

There is a book, "The Knight in Rusty Armor" by Robert Fisher. I absolutely recommend it to everyone! It's a really quick read, but also very profound. One line, on page 9, has struck home to me this week... "One never knows be it days, weeks, or years, when the pupil is ready, the teacher appears." Finding Jeff is like finding that teacher. He is helping me remember the innocent, fun, cute part of me that I had hidden. The teacher has appeared for me- and I have to say, this is really fun! I am so excited to remember this part of me... WOW! What a journey this is going to be!!!

Thanks for finding me Jeff!

What a trip so far...

2009-03-07T09:09:00.002-07:00

Zane and I are in Las Veags. Our teen- age friends who live with us had a school sponsosred trip to see a couple of shows, and were in need of extra chaperones. Their mom came as well, and this has been absolutely amazing! Of course we were hard pressed (ya right!) to come down and have to see KA and Phantom of the Opera... and hang out with a bunch of the most amazing high school kids I have ever met. I would do it again in a heart beat!

KA was amazing. There is simply no way to describe how the entire stage floats on the air, moving here and there... and the actors were flying, doing acrobatics right over my head- we were 6 rows from the front! I highly recommend it!

Now Panhtom of the Opera on the other hand... no words could posily descrobe the experience! The drama teacher who was in charge of the trip has a friend in the cast. The performance was absolutely out of this world amazing! After the show, we waited in the theater and got to meet Ben, the friend. As we were asking him questions, the girl who plays Carlotta cam on the the stage... and she came and spoke to us too!! She was beautiful! I will post pictures on my blog later when I get the chance.

Then the most amazing part of all. Daniel, one of the theater techs, had come out before the actors to tell us they were on their way. After the actors went home, he asked if we would like a tour of the stage. That's a duh! We spent about an hour and a half on the stage! I got to touch the boat, (which cost $250,000!) learend how it works, see all th scenery hanging from the rafters... learned how everything works. It was mind boggling!! I am not sure there are too many people inthis lifetime that get the oportunity to do that! We also got to feel the material they use for the Phanton's scar on his face... that was a little gross.

One of of the girls who live with me is an amazing singer. She stood on the stage and sang "Over the Rainbow" and her voice filed the entire auditorium. That was amazing! The other cute girl that lives with us is just adorable, and a quite petite. Daniel called her a midget. It was hilarious!

Of course there is more to tell, but these are just the highlights so far. More will be coming...

Friendly admirations!

2009-03-05T02:14:00.003-07:00

Today I had a friend share something with me that is very personal, and very painful for them. The comment was made "I would understand if you want nothing to do with me ever again."

I want you to know, my friend - and this is for ANY friend of mine - I will always love you. We may not always see eye to eye on things, but I will always be there for you: through the good times, the bad, and the difficult times. To me, friends are not people that you take lightly in life. A friendship is an unwritten commitment in my heart forever. Seasons come and go, flowers bloom and die... but a friendship is something more precious than gold. My friends might make choices that I do not agree with, but how does that make them any less of a friend today than it did yesterday? They are still the same person, they are just experiencing their life in a way that I choose not to. It isn't good, it isn't bad... it just is.

I wish all my friends in this world could meet this one particular friend... they are so amazing! There is nothing like being with them to make you feel happy, light-hearted and free. I want you to know, friend, that you are absolutely wonderful. There is a very special place in my heart for you. I will be your friend forever... I guess you are stuck with me!!!

"Dance with life...
Feel the rhythm in your feet
And the music in your soul!" - Brittany Gonder

Photo Journal

2009-03-04T00:22:00.004-07:00

"The reflections of a million years can never be seen or heard
in the images we percieve as truth, as real, as life." -Brittany Gonder

Kolob Canyon

Zion National Park

Snow Canyon

I have had an amazing week. I am amazed at the absolute beauty that we can find all around us. There are times, I realize, that I haven't taken the time to stop and see the wonder that God has created. All creations are there for us te be reminded of God's great love for each of us. Each day, as we acknowledge beautiful things, we are, in essence acknowledging God. Today I will take the time to slow down, see the beauty, and take the time to share it with those I love.

Be the star!

2009-02-25T18:31:00.003-07:00

"There are two ways to shine: be the star, or the eye that reflects it. Today I decide to be the star." That thought actually came to me as I drove home from school yesterday. There are so many times in this life where we have the opportunity to stand up for what we feel, what we believe. It really doesn't matter if someone else thinks our decisions are "right" or "wrong". What matters most is: does that choice ring true to my own belief in accordance to how I feel I should live my life?

I am making a lot of decisions in my life right now. Some of them, I have been afraid to make because I was worried about what others might think of my choices. I have come to the conclusion that every decision I make impacts me the most, and the only opinion I should really consider is my own.... not oters, so much. I should listen to the other opinions to get information regarding my decisions, but base the decision on what I feel lis the right thing to do. Wow, that is really a powerful thing to learn!!!

Acceptance

2009-02-22T20:42:00.003-07:00

"We work so hard to find acceptance, and then discover the acceptance we are truly looking for is our own; to believe, to feel and to recognize that we were perfect all along. Those "imperfections" we found in ourselves are nothing more than traits that make us who we are. When we get to where we can truly accept ourselves, then what others think and say about us means very little. Then an odd thing happens, these other people look at us and say, oh that's just who they are." - Max Crapo

It never ceases to amaze me the things we learn from our friends. I love that true friends are like mirrors, and can reflect to us the lessons we need to learn the most. For a long time I have struggled with self esteem. I felt that happiness came from sources outside of me... and the more I did for others the "happier" I could feel. I have discovered this is not the case.

Recently, I have discovered that there is a beautiful person that looks back at me every morning in the mirror. I actually feel she is pretty cool! I have always hidden from the camera-by being behind one. It's been pretty amazing to me to see myself in pictures. In the last couple days I have looked excessively cute, and have had 2 friends take my picture... it feels really good to like myself!

Profound thoughts

2009-02-19T13:35:00.004-07:00

"I believe with all my heart that life is not black and white. It is not only shades of gray, it is all the colors of the universe. Only when we step out of our black and white world do we actually begin to see it." -Max Crapo

What an amazing quote from my friend today. I have been seeing things through eyes for the past 24 hours, and this quote really struck true to my heart.

I know I have posted this picture before, but I have been spiritually touched today- and I want to share it. Would this picture be as moving in black and white? Would it have the same feeling, the same impression? For me, honestly, this picture would not draw me in if it didn't have the colors. That is what grabbed my attention enough for me to take it in the first place. I want to move out of that black-and-white world, and live in a universe of color- to see and feel and sense all the wonderful things God has given to us. Isn't that why He gave them to us in the first place?!

Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T22:51:00.005-07:00

Since my cute niece was born 10 years ago... I think, Zane and I have had a tradition. We go to my brother's house, and my sister's house, and give them a "Heart Atack"! We put cut out hearts all over the door, and write each of them a special message about how much we love them. It has been so much fun for so long! It was so cute today at 8:45 when my phone rang, and it was my favorite T. She asked me "Brittany, did you put all those hearts all over my door?" I told her she was being silly, of course I did!! Then she opened the door and found the hearts we had written on.

I have felt like Valentine's Day has become so commercialized that it drives me crazy. Why is there only 1 day a year when my husband should remember to tell me he loves me? I have told him no flowers for Valentine's... so today, instead, he took me for a drive with my camera, and we took pictures together. We even found another bald eagle- a male this time! He is beautiful! I want to share some pictures from the day!!!

A really long day...

2009-02-10T22:31:00.003-07:00

My frineds Mike and Nikki are on vacation. Tammy and I have been tag-team taking care of their two beautiful boys. What a surprise it was this morning at 5:00 when my phone rang saying thre was an emergency with one of the kids and Zane and I needed to get there immediately! Zane, sicker that I remember for a long time, dragged himself out of bed and we ran over quickly. The 10 year old boy we are taking care of had just gone through a grand-mal seizure. Tammy and her girls had taken care of him... but it was a good idea to take him to the hospital to get things checked out. I held this sweet boy in my limp in my lap while Tammy got dressed: Zane laying on the floor like a dead man. Ane then came the second seizure.

I cannot begin to explain the feeling that came over me as I sat, holding a seizing child. I prayed quickly, sang a hymn, and held him until he finished. It was only one minute... but the longest minute of my life.

We drove to Primary Children's Hospital where this young man was poked, prodded and tested every which way. We arrived around 6:00 A.M. and finally were able to return about 5:00 P.M. It was a very long day.

There were many important lessons I learned today, but among one of them was: some things are truly more important than others. A loved friend or family member are priority over anything else there may be on this planet. Jobs come and go, we may hold 50 in a lifetime... but there is only 1 of a particular person, and they can never be replaced.

Happily I can report that the IV came out... and we brought the sweetest young man home to sleep in his very own house today! The Lord is a Lord of miracles, and he truly does hear and answer our prayers!!

Photo shoot!

2009-01-29T21:47:00.009-07:00

So... earlier today I decided that I wanted to take a few momnets and go out wth my camera. I found a few things that intereste me that I wanted to share- but I also had the most incredible experience also! I stopped at this old house with broken windows... abandoned... it was really cool!!!! Ok, so I was taking the pictures, got bored and staerted getting back in to my car. I heard an eagle cry. I didn't see it- so I was looking around, and it cried again. There was a brautiful eag;e sitting in the tree in front of me. WOW! I took some pictures... and then went on to take a few more that I want to share!

I also got to watch a beaver swim along a canal... if you look closely at the picture where the water is bending, there is a little dark spot in the middle of the water -that's the beaver. =) I had a wonderful day!

Feelings 101

2009-01-24T09:21:00.004-07:00

Last night, my family went and saw the play "Cash on Delivery" at the Hale Center Theater. I have to say, I have not laughed that hard a play in a long time! My tummy hurt from laughing so hard. I highly recommend seeing it- but kids wouldn't understand the humor.

I love the feeling you get when you laugh!

I learned about a book yesterday called "Molecules of Emotion". I am really interested in owning it. There are neuropeptides in the brain- these are chemicals that carry messages throughout the body. Some of those peptides are emotionally triggered. As the emotion is triggered, we react because of the chemical release. For example... if you were bitten by a black dog when you were a child, it's highly possible that as you go through the rest of your life, you may feel instant fear of all black dogs... no matter how illogical it may seem. Your mind remembers the fear from years before - and triggers that feeling. I am intrigued by this book! I want to read and study more!!!

What I am learning in my school is to help, through a guided meditation, people find emotional triggers. During meditation, I help the person I am guiding find and replace negative emotions about a situation, and replace them with positive. Using the example above, a person might quite feasably- no longer be afraid of dogs!!

What a gift- to be learning how to be able to help people change their lives!

Wow, what a life!

2009-01-19T22:26:00.003-07:00

I can hardly believe I haven't taken the time to write for over a week now! OK, so I decided to go back to school, and have had a lot going on with my missionary work, and photography... I just didn't know where to start!

Two weeks ago I started back to school... The Institute of Healng Arts. I AM SOOOOOOOOOOO excited! This is an education where I am truly learning to help others heal their lives and make permanent changes. If you want to know more, ask...

I have the awesome opportunity that my photography may soon be seen on bilboards here in the Salt Lake area. I am blown away! There is a long story there, but I will REALLY shorten it: I met a really nice man looking for a photographer one day in my chiropractor's office. Some of my photography already hangs in his office, we talked, and I will have the opportunity to move on from there. YAY!

Awesomely, I have found many friends from school on facebook, and this weekend, even found a friend I hadn't talked to since elementary school. That's pretty cool!

My home made soap business is really beginning to pick up right now. That is also very good news. My partner and I are excited to get things moving along a little faster... and that is happeneing! What I love about our soap is there are no chemicals in it, and recently we started using essential oils for fragrance. Lily's Lathers is the name of my company... check it out a lilys.lathers.googlepages.com !

I am helping write a riad show for the wonderful youth in my Spanish branch. I am the young women's president there, and we have way too much fun! I love the girls, and it is such a privelege to get to spend time with them. They are teaching me soooooooo much!

It is late. I have school tomorrow... so I will have to write more when I get a chance. Hopefully it will be less than 10 days away...

Genuine...

2009-01-10T23:53:00.004-07:00

Do you have anyone you admire?

There is a man who has really inspired me throughout the last 10 years or so, and tonight I got the opportunity to talk with him. His name is Thomas Mangelsen, and he is an absolutely awe-inspiring photographer. His work truly envokes a feeling. He has more than one gallery, but there is one here in the Park City area about 45 minutes away from my home. (You can go to http://www.mangelsen.com/ to see his work.)

Last summer, some friends and I went to Antelope Island, out on the Great Salt Lake. We didn't know it at the time, but Mr. Mangelsen was on the beach taking pictures of the sunset - right near where we were. He was a very gracious man. We startled him, as he was standing there, lost in the music from his MP3 player.

Anyway... today, I went to an open house that was being held in his gallery. He was introducing pew photographs. WOW! I was absolutely blown away at the beauty of his work. It was really incredible to see his photography. I wish I was in a place in my life right now where I could afford to purchase one of his works. I found the photo I want... and know where I would put it.

I got the opportunity to talk to him for just a moment tonight. I was so impressed at how genuine he is. I told him I was a photographer and would some day like to be able to share my photography with others the way he does. I asked him if he ever looks at others' works, and he told me yes. I gave him a place on the internet he could see mine. I wonder what he will think.

I have a lot of favorite pictures that I have taken... and I want to put one on my blog tonight. It's one that really means a lot to me.

I had always liked this picture - I love Zion National Park. A friend of mine pointed something out to me that I hadn't thought of before. This picture represents God's perspective vs. man's. The reflection in the globe represents the fact that we as humans sometimes see things in a different maner than God presents them to us. I hope, some day, this photo will touch lives. I have shared it with family and friends - and have the desire to share it with so many others! This picture is on display in 2 different offices right now, and hopefully soon will be on display in another location. I am keeping my fingers crossed, and will let you know when and where.

"The best thing about the futures is that is comes one day at a time." -Abraham Lincoln.

Stillness

2009-01-07T21:38:00.003-07:00

"Stillness is the language that God speaks, and everything else is a bad translation." -unknown

"To be aware of little, quite things, however, you need to be quiet inside. A high degree of alertness is required. Be Still. Look. Listen. Be Present." -Eckhart Tolle.

Photography

2009-01-02T13:14:00.005-07:00

I have always tried my best in life to bring peace wherever I go. I do things because it is what makes me feel good, or it is something I enjoy. If you see me somewhere without my camera... you know for sure it was an accident! I especially love to capture moments others haven't - becuase I share those photos with everone. I know one particular person who has scapbooks full of my pictures! It makes me feel good to know I can give that gift to others. I freely give it. (Maybe I should charge them for the copywright! Just kidding...)

I know a lot of people enjoy reading my blog and looking at the pictures I post there also. I feel comforted to know that I have friends who are interested in my life and the ups and downs of the trail I am traveling along. It is always peaceful to me to know I have friends along the path of life who care about me. Sometimes, the path can seem dark and lonely, and I want my friends to know that they help create a light that makes the percieved darkness seem a little less overwhelming.

I am excited for the next couple of days. It is my goal to take a (local) road trip and take some more pictures. There are a couple canyons near by- with water falls and cool trees. Waterfall in the winter! That sounds really cool. Photography helps bring peace to my heart and mind. There is just something awesome about being able to capture something beautiful to share with others... I don't create it, but I do have the unique ability to see things in a way others don't. I look forward to discovering what I get to see today! I know Heavenly Father will help me see what it is He would have me see. I am getting my shoes on, packing my camera...

Out with the Old...

2008-12-31T18:06:00.003-07:00

Just as many people must be doing this evening, I am reflecting on this past year. Did I accomplish my goals? Have I become a better person? Have others been blessed because I am a part of their life? Have I done anything to change the world for the better?

I did accomplish many goals. I did set some goals I didn't accomplish... and one realization brought me to tears today, thinking about how poorly I have done recently at trying to achieve a specific goal. Tomorrow is always a new day: I will wake up and start again.

Have I become a better person? I believe I have. I know I have shortcomings - but I also have come to realize many of my strengths. Have others been blessed because I am a part of their life? I have many close friendships that have grown closer in the past year. Some friends have become so dear to me I consider them family.

Have I done anything to change the world for the better? That is a difficult question to answer. I have loved those who needed to be loved. I have shared my home. I have finished a race. I have made soap. I have begun serving a mission. I have been a visiting teacher. I have grown a garden and shared the produce. I have shared my photography, been a shoulder to cry on, visited friends in the hospital... Have I changed the world? Maybe not in a headline sort of way. I would like to believe that somewhere in the lives I have been blessed to be a part of, I have touched someone's heart. Changing a heart can change the world.

"The key to the ability to change is a changeless sense of who you are, what you are about, and what you value." Stephen R. Covey

My life is my own. I choose to be who I am - and no one else can make that decision for me. Some people may not like my decisions, but they are mine to make and mine to be accountable to the Lord for. I am grateful I have lived the life I have. I know it's not perfect, but it's mine. This year will bring so many changes... I look forward to being the best me I can be!!!

A New Entry...

2008-12-30T01:08:00.002-07:00

Many of you will notice that a blog entry has been deleted... not because of what I wrote was untrue, but because my dad asked me to re-consider how others might feel about what I had written.

I have decided I am tired of all the hateful comments that are being made about me- on my own blog. Please, if you don't like what I put on my blog... don't read it. Or if you do, have the courtesey not to say hateful things. I don't do things out of hate or to cause hard feelings. That is not the kind of person I am. I write things that are true... and I write how it is for me.

I have especially felt under attack from Cambrey lately... and yes, I am going to write about it here on my blog. Yes, I called DCFS, and I know you have known that. I did it out of concern for Hayden, and as a law abiding citizen. I have taken the courses required to be a foster mother, and I am fully aware of what constitutes endangering a child. At the time I called, I felt your son was not safe. I am not the only one. Since then, you have threatened me with "legal injunctions" trying to force me to remove pictures of him from my blog. Not once have you asked politely. Not once have you ever had the decency to talk to me about it - you have threatened me through text messenging. And no, I will not. Just because you feel hate toward me... does not mean that I do not love him. I feel sorry for you that you feel the world needs to revolve around your demands. In the past I have given in. On this point, I will not.

I was told "you are not allowed to be at the birth of my son". That broke my heart... and Zane and I went on vacation that week specifically to obey your wishes. I will never again miss a part of your son's life because of your selfishness. I will be there, and I will have my camera as always. Pictures of him will continue to be part of my blog.

I don't understand all the chaos you feel necessary to have in your life, but I do not appreciate how you drag other people in to it. I am no longer a stranger sitting on the sideline wishing I was a member of the family. I am the oldest sibling. I have known for years that my opinion really didn't matter... so I chose not to voice it. Now I choose to say what I am thinking, and it sometimes ends up in a fight because my opinion doesn't always conform with what others "think is right". A quote I read once said "When you believe something you assume you are right, and you may even destroy relationships to defend your position." Plenty of relationships in this family have been destroyed. Some have never been allowed to form. I have a responsibility to be an example. I will live in the way I feel is best. Accept it or not.

So blessed!

2008-12-27T22:56:00.002-07:00

Today, Zane and I attended 2 more family Christmas parties... the last 2 of the year. We have been so greatly blessed to have spent so much time with our family and friens this year. Christmas Eve alone, we went to three different gatherings! We are greatly blessed with wonderful friends. Thank you for being such an important part of our lives.

I am sad for those who do not have the kind of friends I do... someone to talk to when lonely, go out and have fun with - someone who will be there no matter the situation in life. I know there are many poeple who live a bitter and clsoed off life - by the choices they make - and I feel sad for them. However, I understand that they are choosing to remain miserable. I wish for them to find within themselves to find happiness.

I loved the Christmas party tonight... watch out Aunt Jo- you took my favorite gift tonight! ;) We always have white elephant gifts, and she took the gift I was most excited to have! I did come home with some really yummy hot cocoa and an amaryliss bulb though, so all is well!! I loved getting to know you better David... and Nicole, sorry about Zane's relentless teasing. Maybe next year will be a little better? Jayla, really, where was your earring after all that looking?! Did we really have to have death by chocolate cake? Karley... you didn't pop after all! I had a great night! I am grateful to have such a wonderful family!

A New Earth - book club

2008-12-26T20:52:00.002-07:00

Recently, I have become a member of a book club. We are reading "A NewEarth" by Eckhart Tolle. Each week we gather and discuss a chapter, and the things that have made an impact in our lives. There are so many things that have really hit home for me. I have been reading and getting ready for next week's discussion - we are supposed to bring one or two things that really stand out in our minds.

As we just celebrated Christmas, something really touched me. We run from here to there gathering, buying, celebrating with each other. How many people did you see that were unhappy? Honestly, I saw a few... but not as many as usual. Eckhart says "Unhappiness or negativity is a disease on our planet." How true is that! I know so many people that all they seem to be able to do is live their live complaining... it's almost as if they don't have any other language. Why is that? It's like a small child throwing a temper tantrum... they learn at a young age they can mainpulate others -"the more unhappy I become, the more likely I am to get what I want." Does that really work as an adult? How many adults do you know that believe it does? From my life experience, it doesn't. It simply makes you more miserable.

When my husband was deployed, I could sit around and feel sorry for myself and all my problems - or I could stand up and take charge. When I weighed nearly 300 pounds, I could give up and pity myself, get surgey and complain about being fat... or I could eat right, get myself to the gym, and un-do what I did to myself. When I was wrongly accused of harming a foster child placed in my home, I could go in to a huge rage and depression, or I could stand up and do what I know is right, clearing my name of all accusations. When I am falsely accused of being a bad person, I could let it affect me... or I can choose to do what I know is right, stand up for those who are in need of my love, and continue to live my life as I know is best.

I know that God loves me. There are challenges I have been blessed with, trials that may seem insurmountable - but I know that the Lord will not give me any challenge I cannot overcome. I am so blessed to have a husband to whom I am married in the temple. I know we will be married for eternity. I am grateful we choose to work together and honor the covenants we have made. I am grateful to not have chaos in my relationship with him, as many people do in their relationships.

On page 65 of his book, Eckhart Tolle says, "There are many people who are always waiting for the next thing to react against, to feel annoyed or disturbrd about - and it never takes long before they find it. They are addicted to upset and anger as others are to a drug." I am sure almost everyone in the world knows someone like this. "Depression, breakdowns, and overreactions are common when unhappiness is covered up behind a smiling exterior and brilliant white teeth, when there is denial, sometimes even to one's self, that there is much unhappiness." (page 95) Why choose to be unhappy? I choose happiness and peace in my life.

So what have I learned in all of this? Why am I writing a blog about it? My life is changing. The storms may rage around me- false accusations, lies or constant chaos. I choose to not let that affect me. Psalms 46:10 says "Be still and know that I am God." As the Christmas season is now coming to an end, and the chaos of life is starting up again with the new year, I choose to be still. I will follow my heart. I will do what is right for me in my own life, and not let any other person's chaos change what I do. I am a daughter of God who loves me and will bless my life as I follow what is right. I am grateful to know who I am, where I am going in life, and the direction to turn to find peace and stillness in my heart.

Christmas!

2008-12-25T19:35:00.013-07:00

Christmas morning, we woke to nearly 8 inches of snow over night! I would say we definately celebrated a white Christmas this year!

We don't have our own children, so today we borrowed our niece and nephews... and a few friends... and had a wonderful Christmas! There is nothing that compares to the magic of a child on Christmas morning. We are so grateful to those who love us so much. I wanted to share a (VERY) few pictures out of the 750 or so that I took today!!!!

My brother's house ~

Waiting for the kids...

Under our very own Christmas tree!

Our best friends we "borrowed" for Christmas!

Grandma and grandpa's tree...

This is the first year she got to help make hootennanny pancakes ~ our long time family tradition!

The beautiful spread for our traditional Christmas breakfast!

At the end of the day, I think we all felt this way!!

Christmas Gifts

2008-12-24T21:59:00.003-07:00

Today, I was given a tremendous gift. I want to explain a little before I arrive at that gift.

My enire life, I have felt like serving others is thew way for me to feel good about myself. I have neglected myself fo so many years, that it seemed normal to overlook my needs and simply give and give.

I felt like people liked me because I am a nice person. I tend to avoid conflicts, keep my opinions to myself, and observe. I have many friends... but most of them will tell you they don't know all that much about me. I have spent years getting to know others likes and dislikes... that I have hardly paid any attention to my own, to be honest. I have lived a very "safe" life.

Today I went to a friend's home to take a family portrait of he and his family for Christmas. I almost felt like I was intruding there... so I wanted to get in, take the pictures and leave. He, however, had a different plan. After the pictures, he invited Zane and I to stay for their family Christmas Eve dinner. At first I was a little uncomfortable - but we stayed. And then, they asked us to stay for their family tradition of acting out the birth of the Savior. Members of the family dress as "characters" and re-inact the traveling to Bethlehem, etc. It was beautiful!

Afterwords, my friend other members of his family who have been to Jerusalem took turns telling the children how they had felt when the visited the spot they believe the Savior had been born. Some talked of the tomb where He was buried, and others spoke of the Hill where He was crucified. There was such a peaceful feeling there. It was one of the best Christmas gifts I have ever received - the reminder of why we celebrate Christmas in the first place, and to feel of he Savior's love. It was amazing!

The second gift I received was this: I realized that people genuinely liked me for who I am. 4 different people, today alone, told me how much they appreciate my friendship. I realized, for the first time ever, that I really am a good person, and I don't have to live up to any expectations, real or imagined, that anyone has. I am enough just being me. What better gifts could I have received this Christmas Eve?!

Truth?

2008-12-18T21:19:00.004-07:00

I cannot fathom living in a world where it is acceptable to lie.

Someone who I implicitly trusted outright lied to me today. Part of the dilemma for me is that this lie actually puts her in jepardy.Finding out the truth to the situation nearly a half hour later, it physically hurt my heart. I understand she is young, but I still could not believe that such a close friend would betray my trust. I know this situation has nothing to do with me as a person... but it does have to do with my trust. In some ways, I wonder if I am too trusting. Should I have trusted this friend as much as I have? Should I trust all my other good friends as much as I do? How do I know?

What would you do? Of course, this situation will be resolved. I know that. I will sit down with this friend... who I love with all my heart... and talk to her. But how do I know they can be trusted again? OR... do I just completely open myself up for future possible disappointments? Any suggestions?

"You want to make your own decisions, but you ought to make those decisions with an eternal perspective. With age, experience, and faith, you will have the wisdom to make good decisions and also to make the right ones. I believe you young people know where to get the right answers." - James E. Faust

"Presumption of trust is not trust. It's blind hope. Trust is based on knowledge not presumption. Without knowledge you cannot have trust you can only have risk. You have no knowledge to base your trust when you presume. That is not trust, it is a gamble. Are you looking for a reason to trust, or not to trust?" -Unknown

My heart is torn, as you can tell!

Family Christmas party!

2008-12-16T00:11:00.008-07:00

There is nothing better than getting together with family and friends at Christmas. Tonight, we had the family party on my dad's side... a huge tradition. After we eat together, we all gather around the piano and sing Christmas carols.

My grandpa taught me to play the piano. It is always a special thing to me to be able to play while everyone else sings. Usually, Uncle Roger directs the music, and tonight was no exception. We have a very musically gifted family, and it is always fun to me to hear everyone singing - always in 4 part harmony. I think if I stopped playing we could even do it acapella! I just want to put 1 or 2 pictures up... as a reminder (maybe to myself) that we may not be able to pick and choose our family, but our lives can be greatly enriched as we learn the things the Lord would have us learn from them. We can also make family members in to our friends (Whitney, Maria, Tori, Laikin, Andrea, Elaine, Karen, Jen, Josh, Blair... should I just name everyone?!) that can also help us learn many great lessons throughout our lives. I am so grateful for my family, and the marvelous relationship we have. I wish everyone in the world were so blessed!

P.S. If you are ever at the family party, watch for the dish that Jana brings. It always wins "first place" on the taste prize (Not that we really have one, but everyone loves it!)

Also. NO ONE can make cheesy potatoes like my mom!

Nutcracker Ballet

2008-12-15T23:51:00.007-07:00

Whether you have ever seen the ballet or not, I know the music to "The Nutcracker" is familiar to almost everyone - whether the music is heard at Christmas or on cartoons, I know at some point in our lives we have heard the lively music of Peter Tchaicovsky - the "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" or the "Battle of the Toy Soldiers" there is some part of the music that has reached our ears.

My favorite Tarryn had the opportunity to dance in the Nutcracker this year, as part of the Mountain West Ballet. She is nearly 10, and has taken less that one year of ballet. She was a bon bon... for anyone who has seen the ballet and can't remember what that is, she was one of the children hiding under the huge skirt of a lady. She was actually one of the "main" bon bons, because she was one of the ones that lifted the skirt and let the others out. SHE WAS AMAZING! Because of copywright, we weren't allowed to take pictures during the performance... and we also weren't allowed to see her in her costume... but here are a couple pictures I took after the show.

As a tradition, we always go out to ice cream as a family after a performance. I can't really imagine why, but Uncle Zane didn't want to share his ice cream with my favorite bon bon!

Sweet 16!

2008-12-12T22:36:00.014-07:00

Tonight we had a sweet 16 surprise party at our house. What could be any more fun than that?! I know a picture is worth a thousand words... so I will let these pictures speak for themselves!

What's a sweet 16 without candy? "I have never..."
"Spoons"
Dare you to sing a song! David Cook- too bad she's unhappy about the gift!

"Dark Knight"

Great friends are the best!

We sorta forgot to get candles... improvisation!

I want this sweetheart to know how much I love her. She has brought such joy into my life. I love her laugh, her fun personality, and her sensitivity. If I ever have the opportunity to be a mother, I hope I have a daughter just like her!

Piano Recital!

2008-12-11T23:19:00.004-07:00

Monday night I went to my niece's first piano recital. She played "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and did such an awesome job. I am so proud of her! I know she practiced a lot - and it was awesome to watch her perform. I am sure there will be more performances this weekend... as she is in the Nutcracker and I get to go see her Saturday afternoon!!

Bikram Yoga

2008-12-11T23:08:00.002-07:00

Ever imagined doing yoga, is a sauna? For the next month, I have an unlimited pass to try Bikram yoga... and today was my first day! I was pretty impressed, actually, at my strength. I wasn't sure I would be able to stay in the room the whole time, but I did! There were 26 poses that were practiced, and I was able to try 24 of them. At one point, I got so hot I had to lay down and rest- but I did well! I was happy!!!

What a great philosophy!

2008-12-08T22:39:00.004-07:00

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read straight through -- you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do? The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are not second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners. Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier? The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care. 'Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. ' (Charles Schultz)

WOW!

2008-12-05T00:47:00.009-07:00

I am on an email list from Carol Tuttle... author of "Remembering Wholeness". Tonight there were 2 quotes she sent that really touched my heart: (I love her book, by the way!)

Remember your life is a mirror. What you feel about others is really what you feel about yourself, otherwise you would not be able to feel it.

and

Remember, feeling your feelings is the most powerful gift you can give yourself. Just notice what you are feeling and feel it full out.

What kind of friend are you?

2008-12-04T19:51:00.004-07:00

I have been thinking.

What kind of friend am I? How do I show others I care about them? With some friends, I am one way, and with others another. Why is that? Some friends I can be bold with, share the truth as it is - and know that no matter what, they will still be my friend. Others, I simply strive to keep the peace... and in doing so I have allowed my opinions and feelings not not count. (Is that really a friendship?)

A friend recently shared a quote with me: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter!"

Sometimes with friends, we have a falling out. Eckhart Tolle wrote in his book The New Earth "Whenever you are upset about an event, a person, or a situation, the real cause is not the event, person, or situation, but a loss of true perspective." How profound!

So who am I, really? A poem I wrote for a friend a while ago:

A true friend is someone who loves us for who we are -
Not that they can't see our faults,
But they refuse to define us by them.
A friend helps our heart feel happy
In moments of sadness-
Like spring warming the winter away.
True friends are eternal...
Tides may ebb and flow -
Yet a friend is strong and stays the course.
When sunshine drives storm clouds from the sky,
A friend will be there with a smile and say
"I knew this day would come."
Loyal, true, caring, sensitive, giving,
Gentle, teaching, funny, comforting...
Qualities searched for in a friend...
The qualities I found in you.

Just something to think about - the qualities I seek in a friend are qualities I should seek to instill in my own life. That way, I will always have a best friend! =)

Christmas Traditions

2008-12-02T18:06:00.002-07:00

It is hard to believe that 24 years ago a Christams tradition began for me - and that I am actually old enought to remember it!

1984 is the year my family moved to the Worcester Massachusetts area, and I met Dick and Nelia Hopkins. The Hopkins family is one of the most musically gifted family I have ever met. Their tradition in our ward was to perform Handel's Messiah annually at Christmas. Not just the extremely well known "Hallelujah" ckorus, but many other choruses and solos. It was an amazing experience to learn such inspired music! To me Christmas simply is not Christmas without either singing in or attending a performance.

This past Sunday, Zane and I were blessed with the awesome opportunity to attend a performance of the Messiah - directed by Dick Hopkins! He and Nelia have moved to Utah - and we have been fortunate to be able to keep in touch. Clay Christiansen, the Tabernacle Organist, accompanied the choir along with a fabulous chamber orchestra. It was astounding!

We are hoping to attend another performance before Christmas. I hope we can find a sing along!

Just a silly little side note- my favorite number is 107. You may wonder why, and here is the story. The "Hallelujah" chorus is on page 107 in some additions of the Messiah score. My freind Jessica and I really wanted to sing it one day at a rehersal, so we sat and chanted under our breath "107, 107..." and that is the next song we sang. The things you remember!

Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T23:37:00.006-07:00

Thanksgiving.What a wonderful day - time to reflect on the blessings you have received in your life. I have 2 wonderful nephews who are in the same preschool class, and yesterday their class held a Thanksgiving feast. Some of the students dressed up as Pilgrims, and others as Indians. (As you can see, one of their hats was a little too big!) It was a neat experience to be there with them, and to think about what the first Thanksgiving might have been like. I imagine there weren't any bananas as we had at preschool...

I can't imagine what it would have been like to live the way the Pilgrims did. I have been to Plymouth Plantation in Massachusetts - and seen the replicas of homes the early settlers lived in. I have seen the way they grew their food, the hard work to prepare everything over the fire... and I am so grateful to not have lived during that time in history.

I am so grateful to have a beautiful home to live in, plenty of food to eat (which I didn't have to grow/store) and plenty to share with others as well. I know that I have lived an extremely blessed life. There are so many things I have taken for granted - home, food, clothing, warmth, friends, freedoms ~ the list is long. My goal for the next year is to find one new thing to be grateful for each day. I know I will be able to see more things that I have taken for granted ~ it will change my life... and for that I am grateful!!

Freedom & gratitude

2008-11-24T21:54:00.002-07:00

What freedoms do you take for granted? The opportunity to talk to your brother? Hug a spouse? Speak your mind? Ability to atend church?

Zane has been home from Afghanistan since the end of August 2007. This weekend I had the opportunity to visit with a brother I don't get to see very often.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I know many people like to reflect on blessings they are grateful for. I am grateful to have my husband home. I am grateful for my family, for the opportunity we have to keep in touch. I feel so grateful to have the gospel in my life, and the love of my Savior.

I can't put in to wird what I am feeling tonight about being gratful for everything the Lord has given me. I just pray we can all take that time to realize how blessed we are.

A big step!

2008-11-18T22:31:00.002-07:00

Today I took a huge leap of faith. I have always wanted to share my photography with the world... and today I took some of my work, framed, to hang in my chiropractor's office. I have always loved my work, but have kept it to myself, not willing to let that private part of my life be seen. I have just started opoening that door. I showed some of my pictures to friends on Saturday - and was even given requests of places to photograph. What a great way to have the opportunity to see some of the Lord's creations that I might not have otherwise thought of photographing? I am anxious to begin my new adventure!

I just pray that the photos on display will touch people enough for them to stop and enjoy some of the Lord's beauty, if only for a moment. That is my goal in sharing the gift I have been given - to encourage others to appreciate the Lord's beauty.

Choices and consequences

2008-11-13T08:51:00.006-07:00

I have been thinking this morning about choices and consequences.

We have agency to make choices, however, we do not always have the agency to choose what the consequence will be. We break the law, we either will or will not get caught. We tell lies... we will either be caught - or not. It is not up to us.

The kind of person we are, however, is up to us. We can choose to be honest in all we do. We decide whether or not we obey the laws of the land. We choose to have integrity, doing what is right when others around us may not be. We are on this earth to learn these lessons - not to float through life. We may not always get our way. There are many people who have become experts at manipulation, causing others to believe "it's my way or the highway". To them, I say... or not.

I will be honest and say I have, at times, had a difficult time facing the truth of my life. I have struggled when I was with friends to make the right choices. I have made choices where I was not pleased with the consequences that followed. I am learning in life, just as everyone else is.

The picture of the trees above I took yesterday. I see a meaning thre for me that is very profound. Sometimes in life we have friends or family that stand by us, who "back us up" just like I see these trees standind "back to back". The trees have seen the same weather patterns, have the same view from the top of the mountain... yet they grew differently. Just something to reflect on.

Birthday determinations

2008-11-11T18:17:00.003-07:00

Yesterday was my birthday. I am 36, can you believe it? I don't feel any older than I did 3 days ago... but I certainly feel wiser! Crossing that finish line at the end of the half marathon Saturday certainly taught me some valuable life lessons. I have been doing a lot of reading - surprise, surprise. Recently, I have been finding my place in life, and the path I am to take.

Buddah said:

We are what we think.
All that we are arises
With our thoughts.
With our thoughts,
We make our world.

In the past, for some unknown reason, I have felt that my opinion is less valuable than others. I felt that in order to have friends, I had to do what they wanted - in order for them to like me. I have allowed people to run my life for me by pushing their opinions on me.. and I have allowed that. In order to preserve peace, I have allowed my own desires to be pushed aside. I used to believe this is what "good people" do - sacrifice everything for everybody else. I was very wrong.

In his book "Awaken the Giant Within" Anthony Robbins makes a very good point. He says we should ask questions in order to find the place we are - and the place we want to be. Here is a list that has become important to me to consider:

1. What is great about this problem?
2. What is not perfect yet?
3. What am I willing to do to make it the way I want it?
4. What am I willing to no longer do in order to make it the way I want it?
5. How can I enjoy the process while I do what is necessary to make it the way I want it?

In the book "The New Earth" Eckhart Tolle points out:
"There are many people who are waiting for the next thing to react against, to feel annoyed or disturbed about - and it never takes long before they find it. They are addicted to upset and anger as others are addicted to a drug."

I have been reflecting on my life. I have not been a person to seek out anger or upset - I have been the kind of person who is the "people pleaser" avoiding upset at all costs... including letting my point of view be ignored - allowing people to put me last. My friends and family will tell you that I have allowed myself to be a "pushover" when it comes to certain circumstances.

Crossing that finish line Saturday, and having my birthday yesterday, I have started a new life for me. I was "re-born" in to a world where I will make my opinion known. I will stand for what I feel is right. I understand that other people may not like that... and that may cause difficulties in some relationships. That is not my intent at all. What my intention is: to become who I was sent to this earth to be. I am going to stand for what I feel is good and right.

Who am I?

I am a strong, faithful daughter of a Heavenly Father who will continue to bless me as I follow His gospel and share the things I learn with others. I am a woman of conviction - who will no longer allow my conviction to be discounted by others. I have a beauty within I will share with the world; through words, art, or by example. I will live my life as a testimony of the divinity of Jesus Christ and His love for us. I fulfil the promises I have made in my life, and I will stand strong and tall as an example to those who are seeking direction in their lives.

I crossed the finish line!

2008-11-09T15:17:00.007-07:00

I may not have been the fastest, nor the most beautiful person in the race yesterday... but I crossed the finish line! A full 2 hours behind the leader of the race, I walked across a line I thought I might never see.

This race was on Saturday, and on Thursday my doctor told me I had bronchitis. Then; less than 2 miles in to the race I injured my right foot - in a way where every step you take feels like someone is stabbing a knife right from the top of my foot through to the ground. (This is the 3rd time with the same injury...) by the time I saw the marked that said 7 miles, I wasn't sure I even wanted to go on any more. I wasn't sure I could. I also ended up with a blister on the side of my left foot that is half as long as my thumb... that's fun.

At the 10 mile marker: alone, in excruciating pain, and overwhelmed, I broke down and cried. I prayed with all my heart that my Heavenly Father would give me the strength to go on. I was in an area where new homes are being developed - and this road didn't have a single home on it yet. It was completely deserted. I felt so discouraged I simply wanted to lay down on the side of the road and let someone come back and find me... Zane was waiting at the finish line for me, and I knew he would bring the race directors to find me. I still had 3 miles left to go... and I wasn't sure that was even humanly possible to do. I was crying so hard I could barely see one foot in front of the other as I went along. If I stopped walking, I knew I would not start again.

I know the Lord sent angels to stand by my side and strengthen me. One of those angels was my friend Tammy. She came just at the time when I was struggling the most - and she encouraged me forward.

After mile marker 11, the route was very poorly marked. Apparently, there had been a police officer there earlier in the race to tell runners where to go - but he had long since gone. 2 runners in front of me ran right past the turn we had to make - and a kind woman stopped to tell them they had passed the turn. I saw them, and followed the path they took. I will forever be grateful for that kind woman who made it possible for me to reach my goal of crossing the finish line without getting lost.

So what did I learn in all of this? MANY THINGS!

1. We choose our own path in life.

2. No matter how difficult the path, the Lord is there.

3. Don't quit.

4. When you say you are going to do something - follow through. It may be harder than you ever thought it would be, but knowing you accomplished something you set out to do is worth every blister, cough, sore muscle, or heartache it takes. You will only become stronger in the long run.

5. It is a long run. Life isn't meant to be easy - so why quit during the hard times?

6. Angels are all around us. Friends and family are sometimes the angels sent to us to help us grow.

7. Run, walk or crawl across that finish line. It's your line to cross.

8. Be true to yourself. Never cheat your own value because someone else puts you down.

9. If someone puts you down, do all you can to help lift them up.

10. At the end of a race, take a long nap. YOU DESERVE IT!

A finish line to cross

2008-11-06T19:18:00.008-07:00

This weekend is one of the most nerve-wracking weekends in my life! I am gearing up to run the Snow Canyon Half Marathon this Saturday! 13 miles is a long way to run, (walk?) and I am very nervous - but I am very excited to have this challenge ahead of me... I will probably be more excited to have it behind me by Saturday night.

My best friend Tammy (more like a sister) and I are going to be running it together. We have been looking forward to this and training for this for a long time now.

Why run a half marathon, you ask? That's a simple answer. People who run complete marathons (26.2 miles) are completely crazy - but those of us who choose to run half marathons.... well... we are only half way crazy. =) Just kidding.

I decided , in my weight loss journey, that I wanted to accomplish something others I knew had not. (As if loosing 100 pounds is something done by anyone else I know.) When I saw there was going to be a half marathon through Snow Canyon, my favorite place on earth, I figured that would be a good goal to make - run the half! Snow Canyon!

When people hear that I have lost 100 pounds, the first thing they ask me is how I did it. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it's a secret. (Well, it's Emily's Secret...) I did it all through hard work, proper diet and exercise. I have a nutritional/exercise consultant (Emily) who is a close friend. She has given me all the tools - just like Jillian and Bob on the Biggest Loser. Never seen the show? Watch it! I love Emily and am so grateful for her confidence and support. I decided, a long time ago, I got myself to the weight that I was... and I could un-do it. No surgery, no pills, andno pre-packaged meals. I had to learn on my own what it meant to live healthy. I am grateful for the challenges I have overcome.

I really look forward to writing when I get back from the race!

A lonely place to be

2008-11-06T10:12:00.002-07:00

Sometimes when you make the right choice, it is a very lonely place to be. As you can imagine, there have been hurt feelings and horrible accusations against me, and my decision to protect a child this week. It has felt to me, that even part of my family feel I made a wrong choice, and they are standing in defense of the person I called the report to DCFS on.

All I know is this: Even the Savior knelt alone in Gethsemane. Even His closest friends did not stand at His side while he made the greatest sacrifice ever made. I know I am not the Savior, nor do I pretend to be perfect - I just feel that I am in good company as I stand, feeling judged, alone, and hated.

At one point during His ministry on earth, the Savior entered the temple. There He found money changers who were defiling it's sacredness. He would no longer stand for allowing those people to defile His father's house, and He threw them out. We are taught in the church that the second most sacred place to us should be our home, and we should not allow any television program, person or thought to take away from the sacredness we should have there. So why do we? Why do we not expect friends and family to treat us with honesty and respect? We are all children of a Heavenly Father who loves us - and we should reflect that light... not the hate that is so prevalent on earth today.

I choose to walk the path of the Savior and show His love to all around me. I pray my friends and family will choose to do the same. If not, I understand, we have agency. I choose to use mine in a positive, not a destructive, manner.

The Love of a Child

2008-11-04T16:06:00.004-07:00

Yesterday I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life. As any of you who know me will attest, I love all children - and want them to be safe and happy. I know a child whom I felt was living in a situation that was not safe. I felt their needs were not being looked after, and the home they were living in was not an appropriate envirnoment for a child. After having reflected on what to do for 5 days, I finally came to the conclusion that I should call DCFS (Department of Child and Family Services).

One of the most difficult parts about making that decision is that this child's mother is my friend, and I love her dearly. I felt afraid that she would find out that I had been the one who called, and it would cause major problems with our friendship. She did find out, and so far there has been fall-out; but not just from her.

I feel badly that people who are involved think this is some kind of "getting even" with my friend. It has nothing to do with her, or the choices which she is making in her life. All it really has to do with is the child, and their emotional and physical well being.

It's true that I may not agree with my friend's choices, but that is why we have agency. God allows us to make choices that affect us - and He allows us to experience the consequences of those choices. That is the purpose of this life. He does, however, expect children to be protected and taken care of. When a child is caught in the middle of a bad situation, they have no voice. I chose to give a child a voice this week.

In the Proclamation on the Family, written by the first presidency of the LDS church, it states: "Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs... Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations... Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity... Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities... We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God." I believe that family and friends will alse be held accountable before God if they stand by and do nothing to protect His children from harm.

I have watched for a year as this child has struggled emotionally, and I finally made a judgement call. I know I will be held accountable before God for that decision. I would rather err on the side of protecting a child than on the side of allowing them to remain in an environment that is not conducive to a safe, happy life.

If my friend reads this post, I hope she understands that I did what I did out of lover for her child. I love them both dearly, and I made a decision I felt would help them improve their life situation. I hope all others reading this post also understand the reasons behind my decision. Children are a precious gift from God, and His desire is that we cherish each gift and love it to the fullness of our capacity - before we return home to His presence. My hope, in calling DCFS, was to give my friend a new perspective and a new hope on how to better her life ~ and how to create a home that is safer and more appropriate for her child to live in.

Everything I have done is out of love. I pray my friends, and family, can truly see where my decision came from - my heart, and my love of a child.

Halloween

2008-11-01T10:33:00.006-06:00

For those of you who know me well, you understand that halloween is not my favorite holiday. I don't understand why we send children door to door begging for candy from strangers - when we usually tell them they shouldn't take candy from strangers. The logic there? Then, we also tell them to be true to themselves... yet we dress them up as something they aren't. Hmm.

That being said, I like carving pumpkins. I also see the cuteness of kids playing dress up and using their imagination.

Yesterday, 2 of my nephews dressed up for preschool. One refused to wear the costume his mom bought... so they ended up wearing each others! It was sooooooooooooooo adorable I just have to share some of the pictures!

The night before halloween, we had the Elders over for a dinner appointment, and we bought them their own pumpkins - that was a lot of fun! I wanted to share one of those pictures as well!

There are no coincidences in life

2008-10-31T07:50:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I went to costco. Zane was is in the car with pneumonia waiting for me, so I was in somewhat of a hurry. That, plus I was having the Elders over for pizza and carving pumkins, and I was trying to get home to set up for that.

As I was on my out of the store, I saw a familiar face. A friend of mine from college was there. It was so good to see him and talk to him!

Have you ever had a friend on your life that you knew, no matter what, they would always be your friend? Someone who loves you for who you are (even though you might not?) and treats you as if you are a gift in their life? That's the kind of friend he is. My heart felt happy to see him - and spend a few minutes talking.

I believe there are no coincidences in life. People are gifts given to us by our Heavenly Father. He isn't able to be here in person, so he gives us friends who are able to help us see things from a different perspective than our own. Without a doubt, I know this friend was sent in to my life to help me learn to love myself years ago, and a reminder to me now. I had been wondering where he had gone in life just a few short days ago... and there he was all of a sudden! It was Heavenly Father's way of reminding me just how much he truly loves me.

I am grateful to have good friends!!

Decision time

2008-10-27T22:50:00.004-06:00

Have you ever had a time in your life when you didn't know what you really wanted, or what direction you wanted to go? I had an experience this weekend where I had the opportunity to sit and really think about the direction I am going, and where I have come from.

For over a year now, I have had the chance to live a more healthy life than I have in a long time. After dropping 100 pounds, I have been able to run around, hike... do all kinds of things I had never had the health to do. I had become comfortable with the changes I had made in my life. So comfortable, in fact, it seems I had become unwilling to continue to make any new changes in my life. I have been sitting at nearly the same fitness and health level for over a year.

Saturday I had the opportunity to do some deep reflection. Why was I putting so much effort in to staying the same - appearing to put in the effort to lose weight, but sabotaging my own success? I go to the gym 3-4 times a week, work out hard - but choose to eat in a way that will not allow me to meet my goal to drop another 50 pounds. (I say drop... because in my opinion if I say "loose" that means I intend to "find" weight.)

My conclusion was this: if I lose the weight, people who are concerned about me trying to lose weight will no longer have that connection to me. I was afraid that losing the weight will cause me to lose those relationships. I was afraid to lose that connection. In doing so, I have actually given up learning how to connect with myself - in a better way than I have in my life. I have been giving up knowing myself, in order to feel connected to other people. My head wanted to lose weight - but a part of my heart really wasn't in it.

I realized that other people will not be around forever. I will always have to live with me - but friends or family have different directions they go in life. People move on or pass away - and the only person on this earth who is permanent to me... is me. My decision to drop weight really only affects my own quality of life - my health, the way I feel about myself, etc. It also affects the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father. Because I haven't been my full, true self, I haven't been able to connect fully to Him.

"You create your own universe as you go along." -Winston Churchill

"The past has no power to keep you from being present now." -Eckhart Tolle

I have a new responsibility to me now. I have the ability to make new choices that will make my life better from now on. This really is my life to live, and I get to choose how I will live it. I create everything in my day - I feel the way I choose. I act the way I choose. No past experiences or current events can effect me unless I choose to allow them to. Things in my life are going to be different from now on.

Ok ok...

2008-10-20T20:47:00.007-06:00

So kids are just too cute and too fun to photograph - to not share with the world! Summer, Zane and I took her kids to a pumpkin patch near by and found a couple pumpkins that grew a little bigger than grandpa's this year. Some of these pictures are too cute to not share! I guess instead of a blog I really need an online photo album... I take WAY too many pictures. The funny thing is that you would never know I was actually there, I am always behind the lens. = )

Grandpa's Pumpkin Patch

2008-10-19T21:09:00.009-06:00

Every year, grandpa grows pumpkins in the garden for the grandkids. Tonight, we all went out to the garden and each kid got to pick their own. What a great tradition! Grandpa, this is something the kids will always remember about your garden... just like I remember the raspberries from my grandpa's garden, or rolling down the hill wrapped in a blanket. Thank you for having such a fun tradition!

ZOO!

2008-10-18T02:25:00.007-06:00

Is there anything more beautiful in the world than children?

We went to the zoo today to celebrate a birthday!